and I can't sleep. Mike is beside me in bed, very soundly sleeping -- snoring slightly.
I don't know if it's the fact that I took a nap today or if it's stress or if it's that I have this dark, sinking feeling right now, but I can't sleep.
Here's what's making me feel bothered:
A CD: ___________________________________There's a CD that Jessica gave to Mike that's from This American Life (he loves that show). On our way out to dinner tonight for my mom's birthday, we started talking about
Hands on a Hardbody (one of my favorite documentaries ever), and the CD from Jessica happened to have an interview from one of the winners of the contest. In trying to find it, we stumbled upon a section of the CD that was talking about this radio program where people would call in and (literally) apologize to an answering machine. The apologies were played on the air.
The first few were really sad. One guy was apologizing because when his mother was bedridden and dying, he didn't have a job, so he would "charge" her for things she needed. $5 for a glass of water. $10 for a sandwhich etc. Then, she died and he never got to apologize.
Another call was from a 16 year old who committed crime after crime and admitted them all (stealing, firestarting, flooding and destroying buildings etc. etc.) and apologized for them.
But it was the last one that I was most bothered by.A man that started out by saying in a slightly cracking voice "I've never admitted this to anyone besides my shrink, but I accidentally killed my..." and my dad, who'd listened to the CD, said "Ana, switch it. Your mother can't handle this one".
I was bothered by it all night. And when we got home, I told Mike about it. He had listened the CD a long time ago, knew exactly what I was refering to, and told me not to ask about it. That it was something he wished he hadn't heard.
So of course, at first I thought it was about a dog or a cat. Then I realized that the only thing I couldn't handle and the thing I wouldn't want to know that the man did, was to kill his own child. And so what became of my feelings, within this assumption, was a dark sadness and I never actually confirmed it or heard the man's remorse.
THE ONION: ___________________________________Mike and I adore the Onion, and when Ana got him the 3 book set for his birthday, we immediately began laughing. Before bed tonight I started flipping through it and seemed to find only the entries that were not funny, but grotesquely sad to me. The first one was about Columbine and it was written 4 months after the shooting. It was about how the school was "returning to normal" and the jocks were making fun of the goths again...slowly but surely. But mixed with the joking were the "real facts" and I found it to be not only not funny, but terribly sad that anyone could feel THAT disconnected from the tragedy of it all.
Then I found another one about the Jon Bonet Ramsey case titled "Don't worry about me, I'm in heaven and all these little angels are flying around." The reaction for me was the same -- BUT STRONGER. When that case came out in the news, it was devestating to me. Any story involving children destroys me inside. And I'm so bothered by the disregard for this, I feel unsteady. I feel sickened by the fact that this sort of thing can ever be funny. It's not to me. At all.
THE WAITRESS: ___________________________________For breakfast, we went to Perkins (my mom's birthday from my grandmother) and the waitress was really slow and she was forgetting things and not asking us if we needed anything, and I got irritated with her becuase we were her biggest table. She was young, but as a former waitress, I learned a few things during my brief stint. So she came over and I said "I had to get syrup from someone else and she still needs coffee. Can you "check" on us a little more often?" and I said it more harshly than I knew, becuase Ana said "Elisabeth!". I felt bad about it, and she did come over more often, but I couldn't say anthing -- there wasn't an opportunity. There was a damper I felt for about 20 minutes after it happened and it came close to ruining the experience for me.
I ended up calling Perkins after we got home and (first) asking them if they still had Emmett's favorite and first pacifier (which he left there and they didn't have it) and secondly asking them to pass along my apology message. It turned out the girl had gone home sick. I said "I hope it's not becuase of what I said to her" and the manager told me she hadn't been feeling well.
I feel TERRIBLE about this and of course believe that I devestated her, because at her age, I would have been devestated too.
MIKE'S FRIEND: ___________________________________Mike's friend sent an email describing his own slow climb out of depression and how his boss spends portions of the day weeping in another room, and Mike's friend can hear him sobbing -- and that he starts sobbing too. That his boss has a deep, deep depression. Something in this is bothering me to the core. It's leading me to feel that this man is suicidal and I feel worried for him although I don't know him. I wish I could help him.
3rd WORLD COUNTRIES: ___________________________________ I was looking at Angelina Jolie's baby today and have been recently noticing how "rich" Emmett is and how comparatively spoiled he is when examining the rest of the world. It has been bothering me quite a lot lately. I am so tired of living in this pretend world where our material problems are so pathetic. I am trying to gain relief by pushing these thoughts out of my mind, but it's very hard.
Tonight I read a story on Angelina Jolie's new baby and felt overcome with emotions -- joy for Zahara, but devestation for the rest of the kids that aren't adopted and that are dying.
It is so hard for me to not become obsessed with this. Like how I was with eating meat before, I force the idea out of my mind in order to live peacably. If I let myself go, I think I would become an obsessed radical -- consumed with third world countries and thoroughly depressed in my inability to make a significant change.
I had an idea of an art installation where people would send in the crusts of bread that children reject. (Emmett will not eat crust). And that there would be a huge pile in the middle of the floor and it would be directly contrasted with starving children that are literally dying without food.
MY FIGHT WITH MIKE: ___________________________________Mike and I had a huge fight Monday night that was directly my fault. I am not over the fact that I am capable of being so mean.
I should mention that I'm hormonally sensitive right now. Still. These feelings are normally filtered by a need to exist peacefully and Ithink that during these times, I'm more in touch with the reality of my sensitivity.
SMOKING: ___________________________________I don't want to get too into this. Ana found my lighter and put a note that said "STOP SMOKING. YOU'RE KILLING YOURSELF".
OTHER THINGS: ___________________________________ Seeing an overturned car and tractor trailer on the road and knowing that probably the driver had died. Reading an article about a young woman who has been lost for 5 years with no trace and a different story in which a child was found dead, stuffed in a suitcase. I am feeling sad and depressed and I hope that sleep will cure this.
