The importance of a domineering

man for me is incredibly high. It's because I'm domineering and I never want to be one of those Harriet/Nells relationships. So this is something Mike and I are working on. Me being less dominating and him being more. But I don't know how to make strength go away. I don't really know how to make myself become less decisive and less opinionated. I always have a strong feeling about things and I don't know how to not have that reflected in my reactions. Mike rarely feels anything strongly. This is a really difficult thing.

Having said that, this kind of relationship enables me total freedom. I never feel cramped by Mike with regard to friendships with guys -- going out -- involving myself in projects etc. etc. But at the same time, I often feel not taken care of. I feel alone and on my own in this marriage, which in a lot of ways is something I need. Still, there's this desire to have someone contain me slightly. I don't know how this can possibly work in a marriage. I view Mike as a captor sometimes, even though he allows me total freedom. Yet in that freedom, it takes a lot for me to control the wild nature of my personality, so I view Mike as negligent in his caring for me. He can't win.

I always related to the film "Taming of the Shrew" and felt that was what would happen to me. But I didn't marry someone like that and it didn't happen that way. Instead, the modifications I've made have more to do with my child and having to be more mature than I actually feel.

I'm just rambling on. Things are not terrible in my marriage right now, but we did have a few problems on the trip. And I still wonder what would have happened if I married a more controlling type of guy. I wish I could just be happy with SOMETHING besides my son.

Being home is like

relaxing and unsettling. I am happy to be home, but not necessarily happy to be in "my home" back in my life. When I was in Florida, there were a lot of things that happened that made me want to come back right away. Mainly, I couldn't sleep.

Being back though, with the impending routine on me, is sort of depressing. I want to live near the water.

To boldy ask "Is everyone having a good time".

We're in Florida at my grandmother's house. It's 4:22 in the morning and I'm the only one up. I went to sleep at around 6pm yesterday. I realized yesterday that being tired makes me very critical and irritable with my family. I get very touchy about everything and rethink events in a more negative (than actual reality) way. All this to say, I'm looking forward to my dad waking up so I can apologize to him. But I'm looking at about 4 hours before that happens.

My grandmother is so, so sweet. There are pictures of Emmett up everywhere (and Audrey -- there is a whole piece of furniture dedicated to Javin). Her entire goal is for us to have a good time. I know very much where I got my desire to host -- she's just more honest than me. We'll be sitting there, and she's bringing out all kinds of food, in odd combinations, but you know she's doing it because she has no idea what anyone is hungry for and thinks if she can just put the right thing out, when the person sees it they'll eat it. And then she will keep asking "Is everyone happy? Is everyone having a good time?" I WISH I could ask that! When I'm entertaining, even in the smallest way, all I'm trying to do is make the person or people have a good time. If they're happy, I'm happy. My grandmother is the same way.

Here's the weird thing. The reaction when someone asks you if you're happy is to not give too much response. I've made a mental note of this for when I'm older and become exactly like my grandmother. When someone is trying hard to make you happy and you're content, there's some weird desire to make that person feel like it's not working. You're not happy. Now I don't do this with my grandmother, but I see other relatives do it with her. Her dream would be for us to say "Wow Yaya! We are having a great time! The food you put out hit the spot and everything is so comfortable. We are so glad we are here!" I am making a note of this so that the next time she asks me I can enthustiacally reply that I am having a great time. (Because I am -- I'm just relaxing). One more mental note. I need to tell Yaya what a great host she is. She tries so hard and she really does succeed.

One more thought about hosting, and something that's happened to every single friend I have including every person that reads this blog. Althought I don't ask everyone if they're having a good time when they're at my house, I will secretly ask a close friend that's over if they think things are "going well". If it's a smaller group or one friend, when everyone leaves, I'll ask Mike if he thought everyone had a good time. In fact, whenever anyone comes for a visit, even if it's just for a short time, me asking Mike if he thought it was fun is a definite. The only thing that holds me back from having fun is when other people can't.

Very often, my after-visit conversations with Mike involve analyzing even the tiniest "off" reaction to ensure the person truly had fun. There is little room in the conversation for Mike to reply "yeah, it was okay". That statement for me is deadly. I don't think I ever realized this before now.

WARNING: THIS BLOG IS GETTING VERY DEEP INTO MY CRAZY WAY OF THINKING. YOU MAY NOT BE ABLE TO FOLLOW FROM THIS POINT ON

(The thinking pattern that's about to happen is proof of my insane map approach to thinking) So I wonder about my ability to have fun with a person that's not fun. I don't think it can be done. As I'm writing this, I'm realizing that paramount to me is a happy person, at least during a visit. A person that I perceive as unhappy when visiting, I take as a direct reflection of discontentment with me (unless there's been a deep discussion outlining why they're not happy). In other words, if a person is over and seems downcast, I must talk to them and try to help them out of it. This is part of my desire to create happiness around me. If I can't get into that part of them, I give up. My happiness at their visit is over.

I'm realizing now that friendships fall into two categories for me: Close, deep & analytical or fun, silly and happy. There is very little outside of these two. And when someone is on my turf, my need to show them a good time takes over, and my enjoyment is mirrored directly from the amount of happiness I perceive in them.

so so tired and about to go on trip

I am. To the point that I'm thinking like Yoda, in that strange sentence kind of way. Anyway, it's 4:42 and I've had 2 hours sleep. When Mike came in (at like 3) he woke me up and I wasn't able to get back. He kept grinding his teeth and I kept yelling at him, hoping that subconsciously, he'd associate grinding his teeth with being yelled at.

My dad is going to be here in 15 minutes and then we're off to Florida for 10 days. I got a flight deal for $35 round trip and my relatives decided to have their baby's christening when we were there (and asked me to be the godmother). I'm honored but nervous.

I'm irritated with the weight of this pregnancy and can't wait until I can have my old body back again. I realize that it's very important for me to feel pretty and that being pregnant, I feel sort of "cute" sometimes, but it really doesn't do it for me.

Other than that, I go through infatuations with people and things like a little girl in a babydoll aisle. I'm constantly becoming entranced with someone or something new, and then it fades away like the hum after a delusional, dreamer-based conversation with a pile of friends. I can't keep up with myself and wish I didn't want to be so "in touch" with what I feel. Because unlike a regular person, I can't just be in touch with the actual feeling. I have to figure out why I'm feeling it. And if you do this, you know, that there are 50 million conclusions you can come to -- like a map with millions of different routes to get to the destination. So you keep thinking -- until you find the one you like, and you never know if it's even right. Or if you should keep thinking.

I am becoming an old woman.

There is no question about this.

Here's the proof:

1. Crosswords. It's ridiculous. Look, I write about them here, but I am not really explaining how much I love them. How I look forward to "my crossword" as I call it.

2. Murder Mysteries. I don't write about them here, but they are far and away my favorite TV shows. Sure. It started out "normally" with shows like CSI, but I needed more. More meaning Dateline...20/20.

3. "Honey". I NEVER thought I would call Emmett "honey", but I do it. I'm out of the closet on this.

4. Weather Moodiness. As some of you know, I have slight ARTHRITIS. When it's going to rain, my hands feel it. Additionally, "the weather" will change my plans. If it's raining, I don't want to drive. If it's too hot, I'm just too tired.

5. Life Documents. I know nothing about the legal and billing side of our lives. Today Mike informed me that "if anything should happen", he has life insurance. Enough to "pay off the house". I was frozen like "Well what will I do? How will I know what to do." It was when Mike said "Don't worry. There are papers in my files. Someone will figure it out", that I realized that I don't have a clue...even about HOW or WHO to pay our mortgage to.

(ADD ON)

6. The post below. Old ladies giggly talk about "their boyfriends" even though they (the old ladies) are married and have no chance.

Things that are changing or that I figured out.

In some bizarre way, i am in love with the young Chevy Chase. I actually feel slightly infatuated with him and think he is my dream guy of all times. I also feel that way about the young Jack Nicholson, but not as much. In today's day and age, the only one is Jason Bateman, but in an Alex P. Keaton kind of way.

It may be that it's the pregnancy, but my longstanding affair with frosted mini wheats is ending. I don't want them. I don't like how they taste with Soy Milk. Honey Bunches of Oats seems to satisfy me.

While talking about food, I can't get enough pizza these days.

Crosswords are becoming an obsession and I'm actually getting better at them. I usually get very close to completion, but can't seem to get the last few. Thank you Jessica for the STAR magazine which contains my favorite crosswords.

I really like underlining my eyes with red lip liner

If I don't wash my face and brush my teeth before bed, sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and have to do it. If i don't, I wake up earlier because of it.

"Sunday Morning-You're doing your thing and I...am doing mine"

Yard Sale, Selling CDs & Emmett's Lemonade Stand

There's some remorse after having a yard sale...it's weird. There's some odd sadness that happens when you've gotten rid of things --even if you don't use them anymore. I didn't get rid of the CD with the song in my title, because CDs are extremely hard for me to give up. I didn't sell any. I don't even throw away scratched ones. And mix CDs are the worst. Scratched, caseless CD's without liner notes. Mike is begging me to go through them, but somehow that music relates to my history.

So yesterday we had a yard sale, and weird as it is, the hardest thing for me to let go were Mike's CD's. He had years and years of what most people would consider a great collection. Daniel Johnston, Radiohead, Half Japanese, Luna, (I saved Sigorous) and on and on. Early on, a young indie rock record shop owner who saw my post on craigslist came and bought all the best ones. About 30. Mike sold them for $100 and they were just gone. Mike doesn't care, but for me it's monumental. Like we just aged. Like, he just did something that years down the line he'll say "Yeah, I used to have an awesome CD collection". Like one of the coolest parts of my husband is now in a record store. To Mike, he has them all in his computer and doesn't feel this at all.

Emmett's Lemonade stand didn't work. Called "The Superhero Refill Station", he is way too young to have a Lemonade stand and was asking me to tell every person that "If they wanted Lemonade, he had some". It was very cute, but also embarrassing and it put me in a hard position. I was (obviously) not going to tell people that but I didn't want to let emmett down. We didn't have the kind of cooler with the spicket, so I had to pour every glass (so suddenly it's "My" stand). Additionally, Emmett became reattached to his toys -- the ones he told us we could sell. We let him keep a few. I want Emmett to get into Lemonade stands someday. For Audrey and I, this was a major step in our entereprenural development (I really believe that) and was one of the most fun things we could do on a summer day. In fact, my dad actually made us a real wood lemonade stand with a shelf and a wood banner area at the top. We'd wake up in the summer and just decide to do a Lemonade stand on Marshall Road.


Watching a disturbing show.

Then, Mike and Emmett went to a fair and I opted not to go. This was the right move as I ended up sleeping for 6 hours in the afternoon, waking up, and going back to bed for the night. I forced myself to watch something I would never otherwise watch. An MSNBC report on a case of child molesting.

Anything dealing with harm to children is something that upsets me so deeply, that I avoid it. But last night I decided that I NEED to realize that not all people are good and that I am too trusting. That I AM good and that sort of mindset is something I don't understand. That I need to, as a mother, become a little more wary of people I don't know. So I watched it. The entire thing. And then I watched a show about Maximum Security Inmates. And as hard for me as it was, I am glad I did it. I need to err on my instinct. I need to allow my instincts to be wrong when it comes to people I don't know well. Emmett is the most important thing in my life and protecting him is the only thing in the world that pumps me into extreme pride and furious defense. Seeing that has positioned me in a different way.
The most important job I have is protecting him.

We live in an evil world. It's like, there are two types of people -- good and bad. I have surrounded myself with good people. Not to say the people I know don't have a sinister side, but it's not one that does serious damage to other people. I believe that ruining another person or harming another person physically or emotionally for the long term, is the most terrible thing a person can do.

Feeling happier being married

Having said all that, lately, I've been feeling happy with my marriage and my husband. For so long, I thought we were destined for a life of misery. I'm not sure what happened, but somehow, things are getting a million times better. I've been feeling lately like Mike is my partner. Like I made a really solid choice -- something that's good for me. And that even though I feel squashed by the idea of marriage sometimes, that without Mike, I don't even know who I am anymore. That he IS MY FAMILY. That HE IS part of me. And without him, I'd be lost. I'm a mess and Mike is the binding around my edges. He (literally) keeps me together. To some people, that statement could have a flip side like "But you should be free...you should be unstuffed...what are you missing that's not coming out". But if you really think about the analogy, a stuffed animal coming unstuffed, is a disaster. Stuffing falls out, it gets everywhere --- the toy loses it's shape. It gets old. It rips more. It becomes trash.

It's like I picked a very reliable, very solid used car. I runs well, the air conditioner is ice cold, the seats are leather, the radio has good speakers, there aren't any rips or stains and I got a fair deal. A good deal. And people always remark at what a good deal I got. Instead of realizing that, I've been looking at people with sports cars (often ones that are not reliable, or very used on the inside) and feeling jealous and thinking that I made the wrong choice. When I think about an analogy like this as it relates to my marriage...it all makes sense.

I'm crazy.