I'm in

malevich.black-red-square
Originally uploaded by sabbeth.

a bad mood.

Today is a crappy, ugly day and I want to be in a clean, perfect house. I'm eternally tired, I'm sick of feeling a little bit sick, and I don't like the way noise sounds or skin looks today.

On the up side, everyone is very nice to me on rainy days. I'm not sure why. It's something I've pondered with Mike. Strangers talk to me endlessly (about medical problems, their birds, offering me help etc.), but only on rainy days.

Usually, the rain is like a snow day for me. But today, it's not. There was a period of time this morning where Emmett's voice was grating on me. I ended up in an avalance of tears, with Ana as my counselor.

I feel like an inadequate mother. That's the bottom line.

Chemistry is something

Chemistry
Originally uploaded by sabbeth.

I'm still trying to figure out. And to me, the people in this photo don't have it...but who knows. This post is about chemistry.

Frae's friend B.T. is most likely coming in from LA for a big Thanksgiving dinner (that he plans to make). He was in town yesterday and committed to this.

I threw out an idea I've had for a long, long time for a real life "Dating Game" where the guy gets his choice of 3 women, hidden, and talks to them (without seeing their faces) and decides which of them to take out on a date.

He was into it, and I began making calls thinking of it as a huge event. I may even have found a space for it. I called my idea friend to tell him about it, we began brainstorming about the idea of a dating event that's different. After many many rounds of ideas (including table changing, freeze tag etc.), I was most excited by this idea:

An event called "Chemistry". The event would involve a group of people, pre-screened and deteremined to get along with all the basics. The event would be only to discover physical chemistry.

People would never see each others faces. They would stand back to back and feel what they could feel. They would catch calculated glimpses of each other, but the event would be more about determining the chemical attraction two people have to each other.

At the end of the event, I'm not sure exactly what happens, but one idea is that the individuals would state the person numbers that they felt chemistry with, and they would begin to email (if both parties agreed).

The point would be to skip the step of "who's supposed to get along" and get right to what makes relationships go which is chemical attraction. It's something I've never fully understood, but something I'm keenly aware of. I've felt chemistry with people walking past me at a supermarket. It's a weird physical reaction and I want the event to expose only that.

We're still going to do the original idea for BT, but this idea sounds a little more unusual.

Other ideas included:

• Indie Dating Event (incoroporating music)
• Game Group (where people play kids games like Freeze Tag etc.)
• Photo Scavenger Hunt
• Compettition Dating
• More produced ideas, designed for TV

Emmett's napping

There is not too much new to report, except that I have a few pictures from our anniversary trip. Mike, Emmett & I went to an MD house overlooking the Chesapeake Bay for our 5th Anniversary. I was sick most of the time, and all of us slept a lot.

Emmett spent the morning with Craig and Ana. They went to Lord & Taylor for clothes and then went to lunch at the diner on the corner. Ana can't be Emmett's nanny anymore because of school. There is no one in the world like her and I'm trying to figure this out. For now, I have a friend that's going to watch him until he finds other work. I want to leave him with someone he loves.

I'm busily trying to get the house together while he sleeps.

I thought when we bought a house

totem,
originally uploaded by sabbeth.

that it meant that we were automatically "in" with regard to helping the neighborhood and being involved. But it's the weirdest thing. There's a major hirearchy here and I keep forgetting it.

I thought my desire to help would be met with great reception, and it's not NOT being met with OK reception, but there are toes I have to be super careful of. It almost feels like I need permission to get involved in certain aspects of the community (specifically the park). It is so hard for me to get used to this.

The neighbors here are really great, don't get me wrong. But I am a newcomer and even as adults there's a certain sniffing out process that has to take place. I have to be just the right amount of quiet and talkative to be accepted. So far, it's going fine, but it's work and not work that I expected.

Thank God I found another bottom runger that wants to get involved and I'm meeting her today at the park which we so desperatly want to improve.

Here's the real scene at 8:25 AM Monday Morning.

surprise adventure tours,
originally uploaded by sabbeth.

COLD: I'm over it.

AUD'S BIRTHDAY: I got her something super special. I don't want to post it here because who knows, she might read it before it comes. If you want to see it, email me.

HOUSE: On Wed., we're starting the heater process and I can't wait becuase it's FREEZING.

PROVIDENCE RI: Tickets are $29 one way to RI and NH, two places I've always wanted to see. But you have to go this weekend or one of the first two in November. Anyone want to go?

GOALS: I realize from reading SB's blog and FRAE's blog that we are all thinking in the same weird way lately. Mike and I saw Life Aquatic and we had an odd reaction. For Mike, he felt inadequate and a desire to do more adventuerous things. For me, I felt a tug to life a little more aloofly, not following rules. The conversation that we had concluded with this realization: We are not those people and we'll never feel satisfied by the adventure or mood of our goals, because our goals aren't glamorous. For me, all I want is to own a business and keep doing strange fun things with my friends. As simple as this sounds, that's enough for me. What I need to reconcile is that that's who I really am.

I'm starting to rethink

untie,
originally uploaded by sabbeth.

everything i know and it's leading to strange thoughts every day.

_________________________________________
Here's the philosophical scene at 8:25 AM Monday Morning.

What if newborn babies have the mental apitude of very old people, but are limited in their audio and motor skills and slowly, with each year, they lose their intelligence, slowly declining to toddler. In other words, what if when you're an infant, you're concious of it...knowing everything that's happening, but unable to respond and you slowly lose your intelligence and memory and have to start over. I say this because there's a strange old wisdom in the eyes of an infant.

And what if there are parallel truths, which is something we can't understand. Like what if an absolute that I believe in God is coupled by a paralleling absolute, and they're both true even though they contradict each other. I'm very aware that I could never understand this, which makes me think it's possible.

It's an odd thing lately. I am opening my mind in every way I think, and I'm not sure why. Some of my thoughts are too unsteady to write here. But truly, I'm thinking less safely lately and I can see that it's scaring Mike.

We're on our anniversary trip

anniversary-1
Originally uploaded by sabbeth.

And I'm watching Mike as he tries to hang a pink blanket over the door in this Maryland Chesepeake house we're in. He needs a haircut pretty desperately, but somehow, these days. Doing things like getting a haircut feels impossibly difficult.

We came in on Friday night, despite the fact that I was (and am) very, very sick. I didn't want to go. I was coughing flem, sneezing constantly, headachy, stuffy etc. etc. I knew I should be happy with the anniversary gift and want to go, but a 4 hour trip seemed draining. So, I called Jessica to confirm that I should not try to get out of going. She was at a Pornographers show. I called Craig who'd just spent the week with me. Iknew he'd regurgetate the advice I needed him to and he did.

We drove out here at 11 and got in at 3. I slept most of the way. The house is so modern and cool and ugly, all at the same time. It's newly built with gigantic windows all around the second story living room. Called "The Sunrise/Sunset House", you can see both along with a view of the Chespake bay. I've slept most of the time we've been here and am almost over my cold. It's been a good, very relaxing anniversary.

We're about to watch Life Aquatic which Colin lent us. Emmett's down for his nap. Mike is dealing with the glare on the TV since all these beautiful windows have no curtains. The sun is streaming in and Mike is ready. I'll write more soon.

So, it's been forever

thiscouldbeforever
Originally uploaded by sabbeth.

since I blogged and every day that passes means another day I don't dare logon because I know how behind I am. Both with this blog, and even more with Emmett's. Tehre's so much that's happened. So many thoughts I've been wanting to write down. So many realizations I've come to and so many things that have happened.

In terms of living in our new house, I love it and hate it at the same time. The house is small for us. The drop ceilings, blue carpet and fake brick is getting on my nerves and gives me little incentive to decorate. Yet, I love being here and I love the fact that we have something that's ours. But it's not how I thought it would be. I thought that I would care about every detail being perfect, but I don't. I just want this to be livable.

I've stopped working for my old client, pretty much officially. He continues to pay drastically late and this time, one of the invoices is 4 months overdue. I'm looking for new work and may have found some. Being a copywriter is awesome because there are so few. Finding work is not that hard.