It has been really tough

these past few weeks. I'm going to use this blog to empty my head and to complain and to organize most of my real thoughts. And this is where the public part gets in the way. Because you don't really want to be negative on your blog. When you're writing for a reader, you want to condense your thoughts and stay positive and focused. But awhile ago, I decided to move this blog away from writing for other people and into writing for myself. All I write in my career are words that prove something. What I need is a place where I don't have to think about what words are doing.

Preschool: Emmett hasn't been in school for a month. The preschool we had him in has turned out to be a total disaster. It was wonderful last year. It was great the year before. But this year, it's totally different, and I pulled him out. I'd rather have him home with me than have him at a school that's not good for him.

In a nutshell, the Pre-k he was in became a daycare center in a way. They began admitting 2 year olds, and the calibur of kids coming in were not what I want surrounding Emmett. I am extremely protective of who he's with and where he plays and what's influencing him. And picking him up from a place I'm not comfortable with is not okay with me.

There are people who feel okay with having their kids in situations that are not perfect, but I am not one of them. Put me on the front lines. I'm fine to bridge a divide. I'm okay to hang out with "even the least of these". I grew up in an environment with people that were very different than our family. But with Emmett, No. I don't care what anyone says. Emmett is far too sensitive and too easily influenced. I want to control the environments that he's in, and this is one that I'm going to control. So I called every top level Pre-school in the city. I stopped worrying about the cost. I stopped caring about the distance. If it was a yuppie, urban, academically superior school -- I called it. And every, single one of them is full. So, I have a sketchy plan to try to start a co-op -- an academically-focused Pre School with other parents that want something better. In my head I have the plans for this, but I haven't had time to write it up.

Kindergarten: this is the next stress for me. I will not send Emmett to a sub-par school. Having grown up going to crappy schools, it is extremely important to me that my kids grow in a place that pushes them. My schools didn't. My Elementary school and Middle school had a lot of neighborhood kids that loved getting F's. It was cool to do drugs. It was cool to come from a broken home. It was cool to be on the lowest level track. My block had a massive amount of domestic and sexual abuse, and one of the neighbors (a boy a little older than us) tried to do something in that realm with us. No. I will not do it. I want Emmett separated from all of that. I want him in the best school with the best kids, because then I know the focus is different. So, I'm looking at the city's top school. It costs $16,000 a year. We'd have to get massive financial aid. But I'm going to try for it. And if it doesn't work out, I don't know what we're going to do. Maybe we'll just pay for it and hope for the best. I can't send Emmett to a school I'm worried about. This is the most major thing in raising my kids.

Living Room Clothing: Why is this so hard? We have people that want to buy our shirts. We can't get a t-shirt sample that's right. I don't know what the deal is. I don't know what to do.I wonder if our designer is into this anymore. She seems irritated with us. She seems frustrated. We have a quality first mentality with this whole thing and have spent thousands of dollars trying to get this right. It is depressing for me to talk about this but...

We have an El Salvador trip scheduled in November: I don't want to go. I can't go. Mike has to go himself...for a week. I am so nervous about this in many, many ways. Aside from the fact that this vendor has been difficult to work with...

We don't have any money: We are struggling to make ends meet. Mike needs to work, yet I need him here. Work is harder for him to find. His feild is saturated. Mine isn't. Right now, Mike is Ethan's primary care provider. I want to work but I miss worry-free raising of my child.

Fair Trade 10-4 was not approved by the city: I don't even want to talk about this 50 hour fight. I now have direct connections to the mayor's office to try to get it approved above Capitolo Park.

The FEstival Magazine: Came and went and this year was the hardest ever. The printer didn't print all of our books. They came out looking not so great. Mike and I have been in extremely strained relations as a result of the failure of this. No one there knows the behind-the-scenes of this terrible, terrible ordeal. 150 combined hours PLUS. Several overnights. A printer that promised the world and delivered 500 of our 700 books.

Lastly, my ears: If you want to read the long story of what's gone wrong, go to Philly Blog and read my detailed post. Then, know that yesterday, they poured Hydrogen Peroxide into my ear and the hole (the pointless hole in my ear drum that they made) wasn't healed. Can you imagine what it feels like to have Hydrogen Peroxide drip into your inner ear? It is excruciating pain. As it was happening, I was thinking this is torture. This is a form of torture. Chop someone's finger off or insert a hole into their eardrum and pour hydrogen peroxide and water into it. It's the same level of pain. I came home and cried for 3 hours about the whole of this terrible experience. (Again, you have to read Philly blog to understand this terrible experience).

The result of all this? An anxiety attack. Massive stomach problems and diarriah. Lack of sleep. Depression on and off. Divorce talks with Mike.Irritability with children. Crying for hours and hours. Things are very, very bad. I long for the light at the end of this tunnel. I want God to save me. I have so little interest in God right now.

Here are other things depressing: A messy house. I lost my notes for one of my clients and they were very important notes for an upcoming project. SElf-time, there ins't any and I need to take care of myself. Smoking -- I have a serious smokers cough that I can't control and am worried that it's too late. In addition, my friend predicated that I have 3 years to live. Marriage is hard. It's on the rocks. We are not acting like we're married. We're just dwelling. Mildew in the bathroom. The cat's peeing somewhere on the rug. I'm dropping the ball with getting involved in Capitolo Park winning a contest. I am not teaching Emmett every day. He's not learning anything. There's very little family time. My ear still hurts. I lost my nose piercing. I see aging in my face. I don't have work clothing. Our house is way too small. I need to repot plants, as if I have the time. We are living in chaos.