Sometimes I forget I have a blog.

I literally forget. I forget so many things these days. Having kids, being married — it all seems to make a woman become dull. When you're doing something constantly (like thinking, or learning, or working) everything is in the forefront of your mind. When you're not, it all goes into some dark little corner somewhere. I don't know how to find it.

There are so many things I don't know. I have an antagonizing friend that constantly reminds me of this. Of all the times in my life that school would seem fascinating, now is that time. I'm a late bloomer, just like my father. It's NOW that I think learning in school would be fascinating.

My whole house smells like buttered bagels. I guess the diner on the corner has it's door open.

I continue to half-exist in my reality, quietly experiencing exhilaration through imagination -- whether it's with success of a business, success in a project or imagining the days of total freedom -- I'm only half here. I've sort of given up on a perfectly clean house. It's impossible with two kids. Ethan steals my heart, but he is in constant motion -- so unlike Emmett. I allow him to destroy everything so I can get something done.

As far as relationships go -- do actions really speak louder than words? Or do we make our actions reflect our feelings. In other words, are we intentionally communicating through actions? Like, the actions aren't natural -- we do them ON PURPOSE to communicate something?

For example, there's someone I like that I want to know better, so in a given situation, I will purposely help them "clean up" or bring an extra water for them -- knowing that it will show the fact that I want to be their friend. I wonder if actions are just as confusing as words.

On the opposite side of this, if I'm hurt or angry at someone, I will purposely not respond to an email or not take a call or not help them with something. My action here isn't natural. It's reflective of something I want that person to know.

Some of my words speak louder than my actions. Many times my actions are plotted to communicate. I am so complicated, I can't even understand myself sometimes. I know how I feel. The problem is, it's not constant. As much as I seem like an open book, I have a weave of what works in communication. And much of me stays behind that weave, filtering what I want and what I don't want people to know.And I'm not really saying I do this perfectly. I reveal too much, I go too far at times, but I'm aware that I don't like to cry in front of people and I don't like people to know I'm weak.

I don't know if people can actually read people by way of words and actions. I think you just have to perceive and trust your feelings. The problem for me with this is that I get things wrong. I have to go to the most extreme scenario first and operate from there.


Here's what's happening:

Living Room Photo Shoot: I've only showed these to a few people (Mike, Butch and Jessica) but here are a few photos from our Living Room Photo Shoot. She took about 1,000 photos. These are the ones she put on her personal account. I can't wait to start advertising.

SpyGate 08: I'm involved in a spy mission and JB and I have gone twice to spy. Once, MG was with us too. I can't get into details here, but let's just say I'm part of Spygate 08. No makeup. Jocky outfit. Hair in ponytail.

Fair Trade 10-4: I am part of a team working to do this event. If you click on the picture, you can read more. Our original dream was to get big bands, but did you know they cost around 25-35,000? I was kind of shocked. We're going smaller. I am still waiting back to hear from the city for final approval. It's making me very, very nervous.

Work: I feel like I really messed up with one of my clients and my favorite one. I'm worried they'll never call me for work again. It's depressing to even think about this. Still, I have my other two clients. Emmett asked me the other day "Soon your work will end, right mommy"? and I said "It's going to become less" and he said "but soon it will be over, right"? I miss not working.