Background music is on every

every blog I write. I'm going to start to include the song, if I can. If you want to hear what I'm writing to, just the play button on the gray bar. I think the music always affects my post.

So much has happened. There are the "actual events" ...and then there are the things I think about. The things that you can't see happening, but this is the actual event for me.

So, I guess I'll start with Knoebels. We went there for a week on our first family vacation. And I had all these G rated TV show dreams of my family running around so perfect and so loving. I felt like I would be lavishing attention on Emmett -- playing Little Legos, playing Memory. Listening to his dreams and thoughts with undivided attention. I thought I would hold Ethan the whole time. Kissing him and making him laugh. But these things didn't happen like I wanted them to. Instead, we went to a far away cabin in the middle of nowhere and I couldn't stand being away from the Internet and my friends. The first day was good...all of us in our matching green shirts. But after that, I got distracted. I got distracted by my excitement for the weekend. I got distracted by text messages. I got distracted by my fear of heights. I got distracted by the fact I was distracted. I was half present, sort of like a zombie. I was physically there, but mentally very far away. And it continued for the rest of the week...this inability to concentrate on what I wanted to do.
So then, on Wednesday, my parents came up and they hung out there until Friday. And again, i was barely there. I was going thing to thing, text messaging caustically with a friendship that's defined by these meaningless altercations. And suddenly it was Friday and my children were leaving and I cried and cried and am crying now, because all that I wanted this vacation to be, it wasn't. And all the attention I wanted to give to my children, I didn't. And suddenly, they were leaving.

Now I can't say that anyone but Mike and I were fully aware of it. Mike is amazing in the way that somehow he understands this side of me, and "fills in" when I'm not there mentally. He helps me cover. But he was very aware of it, and kept trying to get me out of it. I was escaping and I don't know why. And there WERE memories. There were moments and times of richness, but overarching that was my absence.

Then Friday, my friends came up, and I was nervous. I was nervous because of combining two groups that I feel are so different. I was so extremely worried about one group offending the other or being too crude for my other group. These groups represent two very real sides of myself -- the first, gentle, intellectual, sensitive, silly and intentional. The second, reckless, rebellious, pushing boundaries, insulting and fun in a reckless way. By the time Saturday rolled around, I had a serious amount of gray hair (and this is by no means a joke). But, it all worked. I don't give my "home" group enough credit in an ability to handle recklessness. And I don't give my other group enough credit in reflecting based on situations and having the ability to enjoy something besides borderline behavior. Everyone melded beautifully...everyone liked everyone.

My favorite memories include going randomly to a slightly cold pool with Phil, Psydde, Mike, Colin, Jessica and Chris -- the waterslide competitions and Chris "dissing the man" without paying for a pass, and going down the slide fully clothed. And the late night "horror movie" we made right before a 1am smorgasborg of food. And did I get drunk? no. I didn't need to. The shocking "Sloosh" with Psydde, Chris and Phil, and how we "thought" the ride was over, but got soaked when we were walking off the ride, backs to the floon on the splash bridge, and shocked (literally) when we were hit with a huge wave. Laser tag...Chris' victorious win and my second place status. The balloons Seph decorated the cabin with. The impromptu crossword puzzling started by Jessica and Colin that included Psydde. And of course, the Tilt-a-Whirl.

So there it was...Sunday morning. Over. And all my excitement about my children and the quality vacation were wrong...I failed. And all my apprehension about combining groups that I was sure would cause conflict were wrong. So I got nothing right. And I was sad it was over, but so guilted by having fun without my children...and knowing Ethan was sick, I couldn't wait to get home and stop having fun.

The ride home was difficult for Mike. I went through my failings realizing that I cannot stand boundaries of any kind -- including that of my role as a wife and mother and I'm destined to continue failing. That even if the walls are harmless and meaningless, as soon as they're up, I'm devising ways to knock them down. Anything I "have" to do, I don't want to do. And I hate myself for these things. I just want to be normal and I feel at times angry at God for creating a person like me and expecting me to fit into these normal social roles. I feel like picking up and running away from everything 25% of the time and grabbing one friend and going somewhere very far away without a trace. But I would die without my children and would probably be a drug addict without my husband. As much as I rebel against boundaries, these are the things that keep me in check. But somehow, Mike got me out of it. Listening patiently and asking gentle questions. He made it all stop.

Sorry for going off like this. Blog-wise, it's probably more interesting to read about events. Just events, without all the drama in my head. The problem is, in this situtation (for me) the event was what was in my head.

TODAY is a last minute BBQ and pool party here
WEDNESDAY is Ani DiFranco
and the story continues.

And the other thing that's been really affecting me is this: http://www.punkrockmommy.org
I've been following her blog for awhile. I knew her way, way back, but have no relationship with her now. She's got less than 3 weeks to live.