I'm sort of depressed today.

Spring brings out passion in me and I can't satisfy it. I love spontaneity, getting into a project on a whim, going somewhere for no reason...i love everything about spring in terms of something new. All of my emotions are at their highest mark. All of my excitement is at a peak. I love life in the spring more than any other time, and it's in a fairy tale kind of way. And being a wife and mother is in direct conflict with what I want to feel and what I want to do.

I endlessly cry on about this, but I am a serious dreamer. Being in a role that's defined by it's boundaries directly conflicts with this nature. I am euphoric when I'm driving alone in the car with the music turned up very loud on my way to something without my family.

I don't think I'll ever be able to resolve this, but for the record, I'm doing my best. It never occurred to me that I wouldn't fit seamlessly into these positions. There's a book somewhere by Sylvia Plath that I remember reading when I was younger and I thought she was horrible, but I understand it all now. I was born free spirited and even though I want boundaries, too many of them make me feel like running. Okay, I'm writing this, but of course everyone knows that more than myself I love my family so it would never happen. I'm just saying I get it.

I wish so much, and I mean this, that I was a normal mother and wife. And if my children ever read this, I'm trying my hardest. I love you both more than anything in the world. I want more than anything for the two of you to be happy, well-adjusted and to love life. I am doing my best. I'm trying my best.