I said to Mike last night

when we were talking about leadership and roles, I said "Mike, I know I have a strong personality and it seems like I'm a good leader, but I'm a disaster. I'm a mess. I try my best to disguise it, but I am not together". I married Mike, in part, because he is stable, methodical and mentally clear. I want Mike to lead us but I overpower him with the things I think I want. I just do things, whether they're focused or not. I want to do everything. It's a serious problem because I am constantly jumping, like a child without a sense of fear. And when I'm at the bottom of the slide with a cut on my knee, Mike is always there helping me up.

Last night I went out with two friends, both of whom (I think) will read this at some point. One of them was playing a show and I love the way she plays her instrument. And I even loved the singer she played with, and i had fun going out with them. But near the end, I started to worry. I am sensitive, but talk from my hip when I'm out, and then worry that I said something wrong. I thought I caught something negative -- and I actually addressed it, but I was off. My perception was off. So this morning, I was really thinking about it. What was I picking up on? And I solved it, I think.

In my history, I was a part of three trio friendship circles. I was always the add on to two existing best friends. And in all three cases, I was part of the trio for years, but, in each one, at some point, I was the one that was cut out and not always in a mean way. I just realized that over time, the two stayed close and I was sort of out.

I realized this morning that somewhere along the line, I got over my fear of women and that is totally over. But, I am only realizing today that I'm afraid of a rejection in three. I'm afraid that I will do something wrong or that I will be the one that they talk about. Now granted, my historical trios were all "under 25" and I had my share of wrong doings, but I don't think I realized how much these divides hurt me. When I'm a friend, I'm loyal no matter what.

This whole post is a mess. Reflecting on last night, hanging out with these women that are kind, loving, fun and just hanging out... and I have issues with rejection. I have issues with past hurts, more from women than from men, and so I'm sorry to my girlfriends because I guess I'm still working stuff out that I didn't even know was there. So please forgive my paranoia because, at the time, I think I'm catching an energy. I guess it's really just my own fear.

And my last thoughts about this blog, myself etc. etc. I have to just write it all out. This is who and how I am. There are 5 people that read my blog that know they're in this post, but this is real life and this is what I do with writing. I just try to work it all out, and paramount to that is understanding people and myself in relationships.