I'm still

sorting myself out. I am having a hard time feeling silly right now. Something in me has changed with this woman's death.

I think I've closed off my deeper side for awhile now. It's been replaced by a surface light, fun and focus on humor. I went through something a long time ago where I was very, very deep all the time...enjoying the company of others only for productive purposes (projects). And at the end of that 1 year stint, I vowed that I would live lightly and not carry the weight of the world on my shoulders. It was a dark and very alone period and overriding it was Ayn Rand's philosophy of objectivism and the whole Camus extentialism.

I feel like I'm opening that side of myself for the first time in 10 years, but there's something different now. It's a focus on God, spirituality and meaning. My first round was based on a distaste for people and human activity and the meaninglessness of it. But now it's the opposite. I feel aware of the meaningfulness of human activity and interaction where God is involved.

I am entering a new phase now. I don't know how my silly side will fit into all this, except that there may be an awareness that it's covering what is underneath.

I don't know that I've ever been more profoundly touched by a person than Andrea. And the most amazing part is that I barely even knew her. It was her writings, her strength and her attitude that have me in this bittersweet way. This blog might be turning.