Phineas.

This post goes out to one of Emmett's closest friends -- Phineas.

When we first moved to the city 3 years ago, I joined a playgroup with Emmett. He was two at the time and I hated going to the playgroup. I hated going because no one was nice to me. I didn't talk to anyone. I only played with the kids. I felt totally different than everyone else. I felt completely off from the other moms. I remember saying to Mike, "I'm going for Emmett" and I forced myself to go.

The weird thing was that Emmett also seemed to be sort of an outcast. The playgroup had about 15 kids in it and took place in a karate studio which was all padded. Emmett was always playing by himself. But I took him twice a week, paid my $3, and just sort of stood off to the side or talked to the ones I knew would accept me (the kids).

After a long time of going, I had a birthday party for Emmett and invited the kids. And that was sort of a big deal. It kind of moved Emmett "in". But still, I wasn't in. I knew that my life was extremely different than these other women's lives and I kept myself sort of side-lined. But still, after you are around long enough, it doesn't matter who you are. If you have a nice kid -- you have a nice kid and when Emmett turned 3 I decided he needed to have a close friend. I chose a little boy named Phineas for Emmett. Unlike the other kids, Phineas seemed a little younger. He was able to concentrate on things for longer periods of time, and there was no alpha-male issue with Emmett. They just seemed equal.

So, one day I called his mom and asked her if we could start getting them together. And I just told her that I really felt like Emmett and Phineas were alike in certain ways and (in a strange way) indicated that I was picking him as Emmett's friend. She said sure. She was into it. And for the next year, Emmett and Phineas played together once or twice a week. They grew together during a period of time kind of overlooked when parents talk about it. They developed the same interests (Playmobil, Little Legos, Revolutionary War etc.). They grew to be like brothers that didn't fight and I felt to Phineas like I've never felt to another unrelated child -- I felt like his Aunt.

Phineas and Emmett did everything together and then things changed. His mother had a baby and went back to work. And I had a baby. In the course of this time, we were unable to do the "switch-off" and something happened that I regret.

I began to feel offended by the parents. I was unable to separate myself from my child's relationship. After several weeks of trying to resolve it, I was not able to do it. For about 3 or 4 months, we would have Phineas over and they would not recpriocate. She would try to arrange my meeting the nanny at the park, which was something I really did not like. So, I worked it out that Emmett could go over with their nanny and we'd pay to help cover the costs. But I began to feel resentful. I would pay for them to play together, and then invite Phineas over to play here with just us. They stopped having sleepovers with Emmett at their house. They stopped inviting Emmett over. And I internalized it all. I felt rejected by his mother and father.

So I started pulling back. Phineas, who'd come to think of our house as his second home, would beg me to come over, and I would hold back. I became convinced that the parents were not inviting Emmett over there enough and that it was a rejection to my family -- or that I'd become like additional childcare for them. And for the next 9 months, I was putting it off. And Emmett would beg to see Phineas. And Phineas would beg to come over, but the ugly pride in me would keep it to a once a month type of thing.

3 weeks ago, Phineas' mother told me that they were moving to Michigan. All of my regret was drained into a strained response. Not only that, but moving in a month. And explaining this to Emmett has been one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do.

So in that time, we've had Phineas over twice for a sleepover. I make him bacon (his favorite thing in the world) in the morning and I let him have extra applesauce at dinner. Phineas is an amazing kid. He is quirky and unusual with his forceful opinions and his obsession with the revolutionary war. He's alergic to milk and eggs. He has a volcano of curly brown hair and a missing bottom tooth. His voice is shrill and demanding. He treats me like a relative. He thinks I'm funny. He wishes he lived with us. I will also miss him.

And I want to tell these children that I'm sorry — and I wish I could. Because 9 mnths of time passed that would have been precious to them both. And rather than focusing on the most important thing (them), I reacted with my pride and my issues with rejection. And having him over a million times before they leave isn't going to fix anything. It will only make them realize what they missed.