Movie drama feels like

the ultimate catharsis for me right now, and last night, we saw one that made me feel quiet afterward. All along, my baby is kicking inside of me, and I want the excitement to hit me. I want to want this baby.

I wish I could change my feelings.

emmett is outside

in the pool we got him. He's having so much fun. Ana is watching him today and my mother is here. I have a very hard time being around my mother. There isn't anything she's doing wrong, but when she's on her brand new computer that Audrey and Josh gave her as a gift for helping them with Javin for 4 months fulltime...and when she's making plans to go back to LA, promising to be back by October 1 (the month I'm due)...Even though she says she'll help me, in some ways, I don't want her to. And I'm paying Ana to watch Emmett while my mother sits inside. Something feels wrong. (NOT about paying Ana. She's not getting a job so she can do this for me. I need her to do this. I don't mind...don't get me wrong. The juxtaposition is just weird).

I don't know what she's doing here today. I don't know what she wants from me. She swears she's going to be there when I have this baby, but I will not allow myself to believe her. Anything she does is a shock to me. I expect nothing from her ever. But where Audrey and her child is involved, I start to become resentful.

"God forgive me everything...

she said, feeling the impossibility of struggling...A little peasant muttering something was working at the rails. The candle, by the light of which she had been reading that book filled with anxieties, deceptions, grief, and evil, flared up with a brighter light than before, lit up for her all that had been dark, flickered, began to grow dim, and went out forever." Anna Karenina

My feelings are beyond me. I long to not feel the things I feel. I understand the peace and harmony in dying. Not feeling the guilt. Not trying to rearrange a puzzle with pieces that simply don't fit. Not trying to figure out solutions to things that feel like understanding the concept of infinity. There is no solution to the problems I have, and as a person that feels more than other people, I am left with a lifetime of internal conflict.

I am inconsolably sad today. I can barely sit here without crying. I am so afraid of the choices I've made. I'm so afraid of the things I've given up...the things I didn't do...the passions I didn't follow. I'm afraid of spending the rest of my life in complacency. I'm afraid that I've made myself stuck, and there is no way out. I feel caged, trapped and scared. My family loves me so much and wants more than anything for me to be with them, devote myself to them and be happy with them.

I can't talk too much about this. Suffice to say, that the majority of my time is spent in a quietude of sadness -- completely alone in my mind, trying to reconcile things that can't be reconciled. I'm deeply, deeply confused.

It's 11:24

and I am constantly thirsty for popsicles, especially very flavorable ones. I can't say much right now, becuase there are people reading over my shoulder and I can't write freely.

These dreams.... (Warning: Sexual Content)

Before you start reading this blog, let me make a disclaimer. The reason I write this blog is because in some weird way it helps me. I'm not sure what the difference is between this and a private journal in terms of feeling satisfied, but this feels more satisfying. Maybe there's something to being honest about what you're going through, and not apologizing for it. Having said that, this entry has sexual content. I don't know who reads this blog anyomre, but this is just real life. If you can't handle it, don't read it.
are making me crazy. Every night I have these deeply saturated dreams -- sometimes about people I know. Last night was one of these, very, very detailed in every way. I felt like it was actually happening. It wasn't a bad dream, just very very vivid. And every dream seems to get more vivid. Someone told me you remember more dreams when you're pregnant. I'm starting to believe that person.

Some of my dreams these days have sexual content, so sharing them feels like a purposeful ommission of half the information. I'm realizing that this pregnancy is very different from my first one in the way of sexual energy. With my first pregnancy, sexuality was something I was so far away from. With this pregnancy, it's something I feel very in touch with -- separate from my emotions. That is a first.

Quite honestly, I don't know if I've ever thought about sex this much in my life. Why it's happening when I'm pregnant...I don't know. I might be starting to understand a more male mentality. That somehow everything connects to something sexual. I feel like an 18 year old. Is it possible I"m going through a mid-life crisis?

There are moments (and I mean MOMENTS ONLY) that I think about the 1960's and the concept of free love, and I sort of get it. But, I get it in a utopia kind of way. An impossible kind of way. Because I feel completely disconnected from my emotions right now, the concept of sexuality has become limited to the physical body. My emotions control me, but I don't trust anything I feel. Nothing is valid. So my feelings have become false mirrors of what's really going on. I'm operating on logic, knowing my "feelings" are hormonal and temporary. Like quitting smoking and feeling withdraw irritation. Even though it feels real, you know it's connected to smoking not to reality. Well, that's how my emotions are right now.

The only struggle I have is with energy. I wish so much that I had more. I sleep way too much. It's another beautiful day. I hope I still feel this way (and not tired) in like 2 hours.

I am 100% greek

and that's why ridiculously hot weather, beating sun, and humidity make me so happy. Today, in my opinion, is the best day of the summer so far. Plus today we're getting our above ground pool. i don't care if it's white trash.

I said to Wayne the other day

"You know, life is really a lot better with an addiction". Wayne actually agreed with me. I've been an addictive type of person my entire life. I find very little freedom in a "lack" of addiction excpect for the fact that it's healthier for me. My addiction to projects and being overly busy never feels like an addiction because it's healthy. But actually, I think I operate my entire life around addiction. I'm going to analye this here, because I haven't thought about this until right now:

1) Coffee-Drink it every day. Definite addiction
2) Email/Myspace-Definite addiction, but not as bad right now
3) Shower-Small addiction, but if I don't get one I'm unhappy
4) Phone Calls-Unless Im really busy, I have a small addiction to my afternoon phone call from my friend during lunch.
5) Crosswords-Very tiny addiction to crossword puzzzles from Star magazine before bed

Okay. I don't think I operate my life on addictions now that I made that list. I think what I'm realizing is that some of these things are called "habits" (am I slow right now or what), but in reality, they're just small versions of addiction without the negative connotation. Like I could give them up. So I wonder, is any relationship free of addiction to the person?

I totally believe that life is best with at least one really strong addiction. I'm not saying it's healthy, but it's more fun getting through.

I'm venturing

into dark tunnels of thought, as it relates to my religious upbringing. Mike and I were raised with the belief that premarital sex and divorce are two of the worst sins imaginable. I'm starting to really question this. It seems that Christianity has bumped out other sins, determining that changes in society don't allow for them (ie - loans, mortgages etc.). Yet these are considered unchangable.

In a society where early and young marriages don't work, the natural reaction is to wait longer before making the commitment (which I believe is correct. We're stunted in our growth and ability to commit since we don't commit to ANYTHING else like we do to marriage). Having said that, Biblical law calls us to wait until marriage before having sex. This makes NO SENSE to me. So, if you don't have sex, you rush into marriage because you want to have sex and you get a divorce because it was based on something physical. Or, you have sex before you're married and you're considered a sinner. It doesn't make sense to me.

And with marriage, we live in an environment where men and women are constantly intereacting, working together, seeing one another at their best and worst, and in some cases, filling in for each other in a husband/wife capacity (particularly at offices). It's not like the old days where these little families lived isolated in fields and women were at home. OF COURSE affairs and a divorce will result. The difference is in society, not in humanity. I said to Mike "you know, Christians are the only ones that are intolerant of divorce, yet more than 50% of Chrisitans get divorced. when do we just admit the problem isn't necessarily a lack of commitment, but it's a change in society that we're not acknowledging". I'm starting to think all this is impossible on a grand scale.

Having said all this, I'm sure you're thinking that I want a divorce from Mike and that I have my eye on an affair. The truth is, I go through periods of wanting both, but right now I'm not in either of those. Things are actually getting better in this marriage, but I guess it's because I think if we work hard enough, we can make it. I'm just ready to begin thinking outside of traditional Christian norms, because the legalism is frustrating to me and I don't understand it.

I'm confused by the structure of love, sex and marriage -- EXCEPT as it relates to children. That is the one thing I can't explain and that religion completely covers. this is something that sex produces (creating a sense in choosing a life parnter) and that marriage protects (creating a sense in staying with the same person). So I wonder, maybe it is actually better to isolate yourself when you marry so that you lose some of your independance and actually focus only on your family and the value there. I keep trying to move forward as an individual and I'm starting to think that's hurting my marriage.

I deleted my other post

because I realized what i did wasn't right. Or, it was a little right, but it's not the problem. Last time I got pregnant, I did the same thing. I went around hacking things out of my life hoping that would make me feel happy. The truth is, my sadness is my own and my problems can't really be put onto a person. Unfortunately, I always seem to pick the same people to blame and it's never really them.

I feel like I"m not allowed to have too much fun without Mike and Emmett. I am very frustrated that I am not like other mothers and wives. I wish that I could feel contementment in being this. I probably will when I'm older. Right now, I just want to be single and free. I wish I could go back in time and have fun again and be free again. I don't want to give up what I have. I just wish I had more of the other thing. And being pregnant is bringing this out so much more because I know I'm captive for a year.

I talked to two people about "my problem" yesterday. Both had good advice. Here's the meat of what I got:

JB- You need counseling.
CD- You are misdirecting your feelings. Undo what you did.

So, I'm going to do both. I have some people to call for counseling and I'm trying to undo what I did. I need to focus on the real problem. My situation is more like this one: A person hates their job. They get stuck in a traffic jam and get cut off. They blame traffic for their misery.

If I think about the fabric of who I am, I see myself as a person that has tears, rips and fraying. But, I'm starting to believe that, when you control the amount of damage to the fabric, it can actually add beauty and dimension to a person. I need to stop certain rips from continuing and allow the other ones to be there. Because even if I try to fix them, it will never be seamless.

gender

I just ripped off something

that is causing me more pain than I've experienced in years. I wish i could write everything here, but I can't because you all know me. But I'm going to write more freely than I normally would, despite the fact that all of this is secret.

I had to cut someone out of my life that I love dearly. I am inconsolable right now, unable to not be on the verge of crying, but knowing that it's something I had to do at least for now. And knowing that I have some serious problems that I can't fix and probably never will.

This is all about my inability to forgive and a connection that interferes in my life and marriage. It's about wanting things I don't and can't have, and a lot of bad water under the bridge. Making it worse, I'm alone experiencing all of this and it was never that big of a deal for them.

I continue to struggle with rejection. People that have rejected me have more power over me than anyone else. My desperate desire to be accepted leads me to open up most readily to people that can hurt me the most. As I mature, "mean people" like that are not as common.

But I'm going off on a tangent. The truth is, I feel like I broke up with someone and the relationship wasn't bad. I feel like I'm in a circle and there is no possible way for anything to be okay. I also feel unresolved and want to ask why, why, why and what. But i can't and there's not openness there anyway.

I'm incredibly sad today and will be for a long time. Please don't ask me about this too much. I don't want to talk about it. It has nothing to do with anyone that reads this blog. And if you have it all figured out, please don't judge me on any actions now or in the future. I am a messed up, horrible person that continues to struggle, every single day, with being normal and staying in line with the life I've created.

I'm on my way.

5 days without smoking. For the first time, I feel like I'm really pregnant.

Today I have to get a special ultrasound to make sure we have the right due date. Friday I find out the gender. Wed I have another appointment. I'm wearing maternity clothes now and need more. It's hard to look good when you're pregnant.