I just ripped off something

that is causing me more pain than I've experienced in years. I wish i could write everything here, but I can't because you all know me. But I'm going to write more freely than I normally would, despite the fact that all of this is secret.

I had to cut someone out of my life that I love dearly. I am inconsolable right now, unable to not be on the verge of crying, but knowing that it's something I had to do at least for now. And knowing that I have some serious problems that I can't fix and probably never will.

This is all about my inability to forgive and a connection that interferes in my life and marriage. It's about wanting things I don't and can't have, and a lot of bad water under the bridge. Making it worse, I'm alone experiencing all of this and it was never that big of a deal for them.

I continue to struggle with rejection. People that have rejected me have more power over me than anyone else. My desperate desire to be accepted leads me to open up most readily to people that can hurt me the most. As I mature, "mean people" like that are not as common.

But I'm going off on a tangent. The truth is, I feel like I broke up with someone and the relationship wasn't bad. I feel like I'm in a circle and there is no possible way for anything to be okay. I also feel unresolved and want to ask why, why, why and what. But i can't and there's not openness there anyway.

I'm incredibly sad today and will be for a long time. Please don't ask me about this too much. I don't want to talk about it. It has nothing to do with anyone that reads this blog. And if you have it all figured out, please don't judge me on any actions now or in the future. I am a messed up, horrible person that continues to struggle, every single day, with being normal and staying in line with the life I've created.