I'm moving from surface to surface

with no energy and feeling totally depressed. This is pregnancy. I know that, but it's leading me into sadness. I keep looking at my list, knowing that all I want to do is go to sleep. But Emmett doesn't want to go to sleep and to get my attention, he's talking non-stop. And when he's not talking, he's just making noises. His voice is irritating to me, and that's making me even sadder.

Finally, I just let him watch TV, hating myself for this. Every time Emmett watches TV, I feel like I'm failing. I don't know how I'm going to get through another 6 months of this. I'm so unstable with my emotions. I have lost interest in everything. I'm not meeting my obligations. I wish we had a different life right now.

The party went well I think. There was some weird depression that followed. I guess it relates to my sister and the difference in response by my mother to her child and mine. It's very difficult for me to be with my entire family. My dad is exempt from these feelings. It's all about my mom, who keeps trying to convince me that she can't wait for this baby to be born. I don't believe that she'll be here for me. It just annoys me when she acts interested.

Everything in life is so disapointing. I think the most satisfaction I've found are independant projects I've done that have been successful --or climbing the corporate ladder. These are the only two things that seem to have fulfilled me. Being a mother hasn't fulfilled me, although I experience a certain joy with Emmett that is different than anything else.

It's day to day with me.

10:58-my friend just called me and told me that he and my housemate were making fun of the outfit I wore at the party telling me I looked like I was at a jewish wedding or a gypsy. I acted like it didn't bother me, but it topped everything off and led me into a 20 second crying fit.