When you get married, then have a baby
you're adding boundaries to your life. I feel that I've boxed myself into a very small place. I'm questioning my life. There are things that were left undone. I just try to live with these things when I feel them or more often, I try to push them away or cover them over. There are things I can't resolve and things I never did that I'll never do. None of this is anyone's fault but my own, and Mike is a victim of this insanity and insatiablity. I am not worthy of this marriage. I am not worthy of my perfect child. I am a complete mess, unable to exist in the present. I'm always in the past or the future, desperately trying to thwart routine and find something else. I am basically, very lonely because there are parts of me that have been hiding in dark corners most of my adult life. Some of this, I don't even understand. I wish I were normal and am so sick of living with all this complicated thinking. I want to uncover everything, but realize that doing that will lead me to misery, so I don't. Or sometimes I do, and I get like how I am right now.
posted by sabbeth @ 2:13 PM
5 comments
5 Comments:
I can't even really comment on this post because the last time I expressed feelings regarding a very similar situation, I got divorced.
I love you, even though i haven't seen you in ages and don't know you that well in person. I love you because, well, I do indeed know you in a way that "in person" will never strengthen or change or morph or imbed.
I love you because in a very strange, peculiar, bizaree subcontext of my life, you're me.
Let me just say that perfect children are not born, they're made. You must be doing something extraordinarily right with Emmett to make him so good. I know you are. And you should be proud of this. And probably you need a night of just being carefree and a little wild and feeling really alive and away from routine. This is (as I understand it) hard to do when one is pregnant. So maybe how you're feeling is circumstantial, not global.
I miss you. I always wish we lived closer.
Also: there are things all of us haven't done that we'll never do. To wit:
I'll never be a young mom. It's increasingly looking like I'll never be a mom at all.
I'll never backpack through the world as a care-free twenty something.
I'll never teach English in an exotic country wearing long skirts and living in a tiny studio in Cairo.
I'll never live on a beach during a period where I'm proud to be in a bikini (in fact I may never be proud to be in a bikini again and it's almost certain I'll never live on a beach).
I'll never marry a rich man, nor will I ever be really rich (Despite how Hollywood makes it look, magazine editors do not make very much $$).
I'll probably never have a farm and feed my favorite goat and run around with my dog and hang my clothes out to dry on a line.
I wanted all of these things. They were not meant to be.
Every choice we make negates another one. And as we've discussed before, the grass is always greener. I look at you and think your life is awesome and free and you accomplish so much that looks so fun while having a community of genuine, true friends around you.
I think the greatest challenge is coming to peace and finding a place of deep gratitude for what we have. The craving for more/better/different is what will spiral you into negativity every time. Your life has it's own path and meaning. You are not missing out on anything.
xoxoxo
I think some of the beauty of the gift of children is since it's impossible to experience everything ourselves... as a parent you get to experience certain things through them... not in the cheezy parent forcibly living through their child way... but being able to share their joy as they do certain things...(this is stacey... I'm having trouble loggin in)
Yay Jen-- I heartily agree with Jen's second post. I don't have kids and believe that it enhances the "boxed in" feeling...but I still feel the same way simply b/c I'm getting older, and I can't do and be everything.
For me, the "uncovering", while really painful at times, is helpful b/c it helps me figure out what I really want and what I can still do with my life. Or that's the theory... JB
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