I am like a crazy person.

Emotionally, every second I am feeling something extreme. Today, I'm depressed. I'm confused about my life. I'm not sure if the decisions I made are right. I can't figure myself out totally. No one around me would ever guess this. I'm great at faking things and building facades.

Part of me is stable and *NEEDS* the confines of boundaries and peace in God. The other part of me is wreckless, pulled towards unstable things, and I'm not dealing with that side of myself. It's something I should have dealt with when I was younger, because the situation I'm in (married with a kid) has a responsibility connected to it that dictates this repression. I don't allow myself to think agnostically. I don't allow myself to think about "if I made a mistake" (not with Mike, but with ever being married) because where will it lead me? On both counts, concluding anything but the positive will spin me into serious depression and crossroads that will affect my family, so why even bother.

I'm afraid of my own thoughts. In response, I layer my thinking with distraction. It leads me to do is cover my life with activity and business...to get caught up in things that are silly...to invest in projects that give me some temporal satisfaction. It's all in avoidance of a deep sadness and insatiability that I can't seem to permanently get rid of. Having written this is even against my natural reasoning, because I think words make things worse for people that are word (or "in between lines", actually) and not action revealing.

I dream about everything to the point of disapointment. I'm not sure how I can be a stable force as a mother and a wife with these thought patterns. I get confused with who I am.

I go through these waves of trying to cut out whatever causes this thinking, and in this case, I know what the problem is. Does it make anything easier? No. I just start to think about how going around cutting things out is adding to the problem, not fixing it. But really, it does fix it, but cutting anything is ususally difficult for me.

I wish sometimes I could move far away from everything and everyone I know in complete isolation, except with Mike and Emmett and just try to focus only on them. But of course, we did that, and that was the most depressing time of my life.