It's like someones cutting down
my strength. I operate on this pillar of independance and for the past few days, I feel like I can't stand up on my own.My entire life, I've operated behind thick walls that allow me to empathise, sympathise and feel -- but never reveal myself as vulernable. I have this so perfectly figured out, that when I reveal too much, I actually feel embarassed and worried. I'm very happy with the ice pond above my feelings and am content with the semi-permeable shields I have up. It's enough to create friendships and form bonds (and is truly sincere) but allows me to filter out how much I show and how much I actually need to express.
This is way too honest for a blog read by people I know, nonetheless, it's where I am right now. Because lately, my ability to hold this up is slipping. Yesterday, I found myself clinging to Mike for basic human functioning in this really co-dependant way. I can't seem to motivate myself to do basic things (like driving to a place I don't know) without him.
Last night, Mike and I got into an argument because I opened up some of this vulernability to him. He responded lovingly, but later I noticed he became sharper with me than he usually is, telling me things that bothered him etc. Unfortunately, Mike and I are in a power pattern. Before we got married, he was in power and I was always seeking his approval. Then, when I finally started to leave, I got the power and he is seeking to make me happy. When I remove all of my defenses and become vulernable to him, he begins to retaliate. This is either because (his opinion) he's finally able to tell me what he thinks in a safe environment or (my opinion) he doesn't know how to love me when I'm not somewhat cold. So we go back and forth, with me showing and then hiding a weakness that I don't feel on the surface, but I guess is there underneath.
I start to wonder, is there really anything wrong with this if I can refine it a little better? I think of myself as an open and honest person -- and I am for the most part. I just don't like feeling vulernable. At the same time, Mike and I are wondering if this circular pattern is actually our biggest problem.
posted by sabbeth @ 8:17 AM
4 comments
4 Comments:
I think most marriages and love relationships have some sort of power dynamic that gets established pretty early on. I think it's good you guys are examining it; this process alone will make you closer, I bet.
jb
I agree with JB. Alex and I have this whole I'm-the-teacher thing because I'm four years older. When I'm weak, he can't handle it because he feels like he doesn't know how to take care of me (and I think gets scared).
I'm so happy that you are exploring this side of yourself. It's something I actually remember about being your close friend years ago-- that I could never really get close to you and feel truly loved by you. That was in part, admittedly, because I wasn't the most trust-worthy in those days, but also like you say a layer of ice. I love you so much and find you endlessly interesting.
JR
Can you imagine if you were existing in this condition and not able to recognize and address it? Your ability to question yourself is perhaps your greatest gift... and no doubt at times your cross to bear. Hmmm, reminds me of someone I know...
Personally, I think power shifts keep a relationship in check and healthy. Relationships are never consistantly balanced - that is an idealistic fantasy. I can't imagine having an "equal" relationship - to me, that's as silly as believing men and women are equal. I also can't imagine bearing the burden of knowing I'll never experience what it's like to have the power in a particular relationship because that power belongs to someone else. I would spend all of my time trying to usurp power while whining about it the whole time.
I also never want to be the one wielding the power in a relationship because I know I would use it to emasculate my partner. I would also grow quite bored and apathetic toward the relationship.
Therefore, for me, a cyclical power exchange is perhaps ideal because it allows me to run the gamet of human existence and it would keep me in check and allow me to check my mate as well.
If you need anything, let me know.
Gawd. How perfectly normal and sane. At least you are thinking about it, arguing about it, working through it as best as you can. The silence is the thing that kills you. Don't let that shit set in.
We love you.
ws
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