It's like every day

you're entering a contest. That's what I miss the most about Los Angeles. Every single day is filled with promise.

When we lived here, Mike was riding his bike down Main Street in Santa Monica, and was stopped at a light. He saw a man looking at him -- trying to figure out if he had the right look for a certain role. The man decided he didn't.

I get it here. I get the sense that anything can happen at anytime. If you're in the industry, every single day is filled with promise. In a matter of hours, you can book a commercial that can pay hundreds of thousands of dollars. You can meet someone that can book you behind the scenes of your favorite TV show. All you have to do is go outside.

More than anything, this is what I feel is missing in Philadelphia. I wake up every day knowing that the only surprises are the ones I've possibly set up to happen. So I enter contests, I contact people, I spread little feelers around in search of that surprise: a letter...a phone call...something.

If you are beautiful (or really, even unusual looking), you can come out here with one focus -- to take care of yourself. To stay healthy. To stay attractive. To look stylish. To align yourself with an agency that will represent you. The rest is about enjoying the in-between times. There are no regular schedules. You wake up every day knowing that anything is possible.

I was talking to Mike about a perpetual bordem and restlessness I have and how, somehow, this has become the structure for the female herion in movies like Eternal Sunshine and Garden State. This crazy sort of girl that seems insatiable and full of passion and dreams. And it's the way I really am (some of it, not all), and I think it's funny that someone deemed these traits as appealing. I can say quite truthfully it's a hellish way to live. I am easily bored by my surroundings and generally insane with my desires. Being a dreamer is forever feeling unhappy with where I am now and having delisusions that I don't have the energy to see through. Someone compared me to Clementine and while I watched that movie again, I realized I felt somewhat insulted at the halfway point. Until she said something that I really related to. She said to Jim Carrey "Why should we bother trying this again. You'll get irritated with me and I'll get bored with you like i always do with every guy".

That bordem...that A.D.D of life...is something that is corrupting my entire world. This dreamer quality manifests itself in a seeming bi-polar disorder kind of way. Visiting a place like Venice Beach doesn't help. Going ANYWHERE doesn't help. I'm constantly wanting to move anywhere but where I am.

Mike is a stable force for me. Thank God he's not like me and I don't know how he puts up with this. If he wasn't a 1-track mind, I don't know what we'd be doing. In response to all of this craziness, he keeps saying he loves our house and sees so much happening in Philadelphia. He can't wait to get home and work on our business. I'm on the side dreaming of having apartments in Venice, New York and Philadelphia with these delusions of living everywhere. And Mike has learned, at this point, to just let me go on and say nothing. That eventually it will pass.