I get caught up in my

strange thoughts. I cherish the strange things I think of, feeling like they're so important and so defining of who I am. I always think I should post them here, but I forget them so easily. They're thoughts of inventions, philosophies, etc. etc. And this morning I was thinking about which strange thought I should put in here, and realized that a) they won't fascinate anyone but me and b) that I can never remember them.

Then I thought about the fact that, like precious moments with Emmett, althought I feel every single one is so important, some things are just to be enjoyed for the moment. To try to write them down, although I would appreciate them later, is simply too hard and is giving more momentum to what I was thinking than is actually there. In other words, when I think about these things -- they're flashes. If I write about them, it seems there's more weight than actually exists.

No, wait. This is all a gross untruth. I'm justifying myself here. I want this blog to be about these thoughts and I'm making excuses for a poor memory. The truth is, this blog isn't about the reader -- it's about me. It's like a diary that is almost totally uninhibited (I have minor restraints that are in odd ways freeing). I am frustrated that I can't remember anything and that my mind goes in these ADD like flashes. This is my favorite part of myself, and I can't seem to write it down.

Alright, let me try to force some memory. Here are some of my recent thoughts:

1. Human Life: Sometimes I wonder if we're all cells in an organisms body or if the world is something we don't think it is. Like I wonder if the ground is what we're doing here (planting and nourishing) and we're actually feeding something else.

2. Diner Invention: A call button for waitresses at every diner table. The table computer would have commands such as "Need straw" or "Ready to order" or "Need condiments" etc. and a patron could simply push the button they want and the waitress could come out with what they need. (I feel trapped inside of restaurants sometimes, waiting for the waitress...especially when I can see the thing I'm looking for at the server counter).

3. Gossip: When I get on a track of talking about someone behind their back, even if it's somewhat harmless, I know they're doing it about me too.

4. Aging: Being thin slows down this process visually.

5. Me As a Boss:I realize, I hate being the boss. I can't stand managing people on the front line. i don't like telling people what to do, but I am good at distribution of tasks. I used to not mind telling people what to do, but somehow this changed, and I can't seem to allow people (even that we're paying) to do their work professionally. I'm constantly blurring the lines.

6. Mike and I as Artists: In the "DIY" age, Mike and I are hiring people and creating an uncreative, modern house. I realized that this is because I can't even allow myself to think creatively, because I know there's no time to fulfil any of the projects I want to. As I said to JB last night, I believe arists that have their art as a core part of them can maintain this. I'm a jack-of-all-trades...master-of-none. This leaves me without the passion to use the little time I have to create.

7. Me, not being offended: Last night, my housemate told me that his x-wife called me bossy and for some reason this didn't offend me at all. I'm not sure why.

8. New Advertising Campaigns: For Trojan condoms, taking ground up shots of various water towers of different sizes with the word Trojan spraypainted on the top. I had another one that I can't think of. A political campaign focused on the politician saying he/she refuses to be a part of the slander, that their morality dictates a different campaign -- one based on respect etc. (I have this all worked out).

9. Sneakers: I do not like sneakers that are trimmed with a white sole. Mine are.

10. Benefits of not hearing well: I can't hear well, as everyone knows (to the point that I actually used closed captioning the other night because Emmett was sleeping and I couldn't hear the TV). There are few benefits to this except that I've sort of learned to read lips and that no one will ever have a problem hearing me. There are two other benefits: 1. I hear things incorrectly, particularly in music, and usually the lyrics I'm hearing are far more beautiful than what's actually being sung. 2) Outdoor sounds seem to make music for me -- like right now, a trash truck is beeping like a bass and there's this whirring sound of traffic that's like a guitar.

11. Sleep: I hate it and wish I didn't have to do it.

12. Theme Song Right Now: This Nada Surf song (I think it's called "Always Love" -- about Loving people instead of hating them. It's on my myspace page. Whenever I start to overanalyze something that someone said or did that brings me into a defensive mode, I think about that song and force myself to sing it outloud.

13. Offenses and The Human Condition: Everyone thinks critical, terrible thoughts all the time of other people. But they're tiny flashes and don't represent the majority of what the person is thinking. It's easily overcome by a positive interaction. I tend to dwell on this energy...if I perceive a negative thought, I make a big deal of it rather than letting it be what it is. Not serious.

14. My Strange Personality: I want to read a book on manners and responses. It would make life easier with people I don't really know.

15. The Benefit of the Doubt: This is my new mantra. Giving this to people around me.

16. Me hating psychology: I wish I didn't know what Fruedian Slips were. Life would be a lot easier. My existance pivots on diagnosing strange and awkward behavior. I forget so easily that the human condition is awkward and that interactions are filtered (and not often filtered well). The ability to socialize is difficult for mankind because there's a layer behind what we're hearing. Some of us try to see through that layer by mannerisms that we've learned about, and try to figure out what the person is "really thinking" rather than allowing them to give us what they want us to know.

17. Jewish People: I am convinced this is the strongest culture. I wish I were Jewish.

18. Beauty is not a waste: I value beauty, particularly in women. I don't think it's superficial or a waste. I think it adds to the human landscape. I think women should have higher standards for themselves...I think it's natural. But our culture doesn't allow for this because we're all way too busy.

19. Fear of Nature: More than being shot, I fear wilderness (wild animals, elements etc.) There would be nothing more scary to me than dropping me off in the middle of the safari by myself. I'm certain that I would be immediately killed.

In chronological order, those are my thoughts over a first cup of coffee. Some of them I sort of thought about before. Other ones are new. Emmett is ploping down the steps. I LOVE HIM!