I feel like I heard God say

why are you betraying me. I was sitting in the living room this morning trying to figure out if I'm in a good mood or a bad mood and thinking about the fact that I wrote that I'm doubting the existance of God and this little tiny impression came over me, very gently, that said that.

Because I guess I'm not really doubting the existance of God. I'm more frustrated with the structure of my life and doubting God or not believing in God would give me the license to be selfish.

What was even more surprising is that I feel like God isn't angry at me.Because in that little interaction, I felt like God understood. Kind of like a father.

For the past few weeks I have felt far from God in this sewing wild oats kind of mood. I've felt rebellious about my life. I've been wanting freedom from all of this. I've felt tired of structure and have just wanted freedom. In these thoughts, I decided that God was probably furious with me and would probably let me die in an effort to save Mike and Emmett from the horror of who I am. I've always felt there's a complicated war going on. I keep writing more about this belief and deleting it because it sounds crazy and wrong.

I was born a freespirit and every few months, I desire to run. It's not something I would ever do, but it's a feeling that puts me in a bad mood and makes me irritable and depressed. As I'm thinking about it, I'm realizing that this quality (although leading to euphoria and passion) isn't necessarily best unmanned. If I talked to a therapist, they might tell me to "get in touch with and allow" myself to continue down these paths of thoughts and to consider what might be best for "the way I am". (i.e. leaving Mike etc.) But when I think about living with myself for 33 years, I realize that the times I've been the most together (and the happiest) are the times I've forced control on this freespiritedness -- and didn't notice it. That being free in a controlled environment is what works best. I'm a dreamer and reality never lives up to my dreams.

As a disclaimer, I need to write that Mike is not and has never been the problem. Mike is the best husband I could ever have, allowing me to do what I want with complete trust. There is no other man I've ever met that would allow me to be fully who I am -- in every way. He's flexible to my needs and wants and tries to let me go through things instead of taking it personally. Over the weekend I realized (and actually said to him) that he is the best husband for me because he gets me...he doesn't question my movements, and he lets me have as much freedom as is possible in a marriage. It's just hard to be married with a kid when you're a person that rebels against routine etc. etc. Why am I so messed up? TV mothers are infuriating to me right now. I hate them due to my own feelings of inadequacy.

I'm working all of this out and I don't believe a therapist can help me. It's just something I have to deal with every so often, recognizing that it's probably something that will always be there -- just something I need to *NOT* allow myself to feel so much. (Let the field of psychaitry sigh).