getting worse

every single second. Emmett wants to go to playgroup. I wont take him. Emmett wants to go to the park. I won't take him. Emmett wants to talk to me. I'm just snappy. I talked to my dad about going and staying with them tonight, they welcomed me and told me to come, but I"m looking around at the big mess and Emmett in his pajamas and thinking about a flea market meeting i need to cancel at 12:30 and the sign I spent so long on and never hung up, and I don't want to do anything but crawl into bed and never get out. I wish Emmett would stop talking and be tired. I hate myself right now. I am so deeply depressed. This isn't a call out for help or support. i feel alone but not because i am. My own problems bore me. I mask my whole life with activity to avoid these moments, and now Mike is complaining about my mask - the thing I need to make it through. i wish that I was nothing right now. It's rare that I go this low, but today i am here and wishing for nothing more than sleep and nonexistance.