I'm forcing coffee

down. i'm so tired and feel overly introspective because of it. I've been in a trance for 2 or 3 days and can't seem to snap back to reality.

This whole period of questioning everything is taking a toll on me. I feel like my joy is on hiatus and I'm slugging along like some aloof, depressed movie character. It could be that God brings joy and in stepping back, it's gone. I don't know. But I think I have to go through this.

It's weird, because I told my mom what I was going through yesterday and she said that she went through the same thing in her earlly 30's. I just don't understand the way things work. I feel at odds with everyone and everything right now. There seems to be so little purpose for living, even when I think about God being involved. Why couldn't we just skip this step.

Feeling overly tired makes things kind of fuzzy and lights overblow detail and darks are harsh, so even the way things look is sort of strange right now. I wish I could turn on and off at will. I wish I could erase certain eras of my life like in Spotless Mind. I just wish this would all stop and I could feel blissfully happy again. Sleep would probably help.