She's deep,

is one of the reasons Mike gave the priest for loving me. I believe (and have always believed) that although I'm forever entertained in my thinking, there's a pain that comes with feeling so much of what I feel. And there's a perpetual desire to be alone in my thoughts and to go away from the burden I feel in how wrong everything is.

You'd look at me and think you knew it all. I talk incessently and I talk deeply, but the thrill of my existence comes in thoughts that aren't boxed in by anything, that aren't "solving" anything, and thoughts that I don't really have to explain or justify. It's like the boy playhouse in Pinnocchio — everything I want is in my mind and I can do whatever I want with it. My dreamer quality is a playground for my thinking. It allows me to escape the horrific reality of how mean this life is, and go to places that I like.

And here's what it's like.

Everything is techni-colored, overly saturated and over-blown, like when they were first figuring it out. All the images are beautiful. People look beautiful, and there's a soundtrack to everything. There are snippets of conversations that fade in above music, powerful single sentences that represent things I wish I had, accompanied by visions of grandeuer. But mostly, it's just scenes. Images of me running into the ocean naked with 15 other people that get it. Thoughts of freaking out and kicking something hard, denting my boots, and expressing the joy in a detatched depression. (always this one), standing up in a car packed with people that don't talk deeply, people that just do things together, and screaming fuck you at the top of my lungs at people driving by. Then, a version of me doing some project, and glimpses of building the project, and then suceeding. When I go into my dreamy state, I can only describe it as a feeling of running on top of the sky. Like nothing can hold me down. I can do and feel anything I want here.

And the truth is, I'm in this world about 50% of the time. And I know, if I ever go crazy, this is where I'll be.