I'm crying.

i'm sitting in my bed. it's 2am and i'm listening to the same song over and over. And somehow, beautiful exhillerating music makes me lament the things I never did. it doesn't make me love my husband or my life. instead i'm sitting here, tears streaming down my face, because i never mourned my dreams of living in new york city. and i know, it's something i'll never get to do.

i'm in touch with the dreamer that is such a gigantic part of me - and a part i've been trying to put to sleep for 5 years.only it feels more like euthansia.

i miss the days before i became a christian, when i could do whatever i wanted, and when pain felt sharp and euphoria felt wild.

at some point in time, god didn't want me to move to new york. i believe that firmly, but there's a passion and a love for that city that i feel, have always felt, and will always feel.

i tried to take off the comments, because i realize there's nothing to say. don't feel pressured to write anything. it's so hard to be this way. why is this my favorite part of myself?

and the song is "i look in the mirror" by nada surf.