I feel exhilarated

because I listened to music and drove by myself in the car singing. There's something about doing that that puts me into a trance. And it continues after the music is off.

I've begun re-evaluating my entire life and every social convention I've ever been a part of. This isn't easy to do when you're married and have a baby. But I have to undo what I've learned and rethink it all.

I'm dissecting marriage right now, realizing that I don't fully understand this convention. Everyone seems so unhappy in marriage. I don't know why this is the standard. In addition, I'm examining the definition of motherhood and what I've always thought a good mom was. I'm starting over everywhere -- including with my faith.

Mike said to me last night "Do you believe in God" and I said "Yes, I think so, or maybe I'm scared not to believe in God".

I'm starting over.

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One of the songs that pushes me over:

Third Planet
Modest Mouse

Everything that keeps me together is falling apart, I've got
this thing that I consider my only art of fucking people over
My boss just quit the job says he's goin' out to find blind
spots and he'll do it
The 3rd Planet is sure that they're being watched by an
eye in the sky that can't be stopped
When you get to the promise land your gonna shake that
eyes hand
Your heart felt good it was drippin' pitch and made of wood
And your hands and knees felt cold and wet on the grass to me
Outside naked, shiverin' looking blue, from the cold
sunlight that's reflected off the moon
Baby cum angels fly around you reminding you we used
to be three and not just two
And that's how the world began
And that's how the world will end
A 3rd had just been made and we were swimming in the
water, didn't know then was it a son was it a daughter
When it occurred to me that the animals are swimming
around in the water in the oceans in our bodies and
another had been found another ocean on the planet
given that our blood is just like the Atlantic
And how
The universe is shaped exactly like the earth if you go
straight long enough you'll end up where you were

Currently listening:
The Moon & Antarctica
By Modest Mouse