It waS a period

of depression that lasted exactly one day. The bitter side of me relishes in this kind of extreme sadness and I allow myself to feel things all the way through and to let emotions build on emotions so that I feel the most I'm able to feel.

But thinking about it more, I realize again that when I stop being busy for even a minute, my worst enemy is contentment. That is more equal to depression than anything else. My life isn't content, but I can't stand the normalicy of life. Of nothing changing or happening.

That last post originated from a fight Mike and I had about me doing too many things and me realizing that I need to do so many things to stay sane. I've written about this before, but I believe that on the underside of humanity is a nagging realization that we're all going to die, and for me, it's a juggling act to avoid that reality.

Being a mother is very complicated for me. Actually, doing anything I'm "supposed' to do is more difficult for me than doing something I don't think I actually can do. I don't know if it's some kind of latent rebellion left over from my youth (or engrained in my thinking), but doing things normally is something I resent and resist. With mothering, this becomes more complicated because when I do rebel against the norms, I feel worried (because I don't know what I'm doing). I get lazy with Emmett because I just want to do what I want to do, and I'm not willing to give myself up to mothering -- something my mom did and the thing that (possibly) destroyed her happiness.

As for the concept of medication, although it's something I've considered in the past, I know my level of emotional moodiness and mostly, it stays in my head. From the outside I usually look like a silly, happy person that loves everyone and everything. I don't have conflict (except sometimes with Mike). Emmett rarely sees any of my sadness. All that to say, I don't think I'm bad enough to justify what I'd have to give up, which is the euphoric opposite to that sadness. In some ways, I feel my entire personality (overly happy, overly eager, overly excited, overly sensitive) hinges on my ability to feel things more than other people. And I get these One Flew Over A Cuckoos Nest visions.

Actual Stuff That's Happening

Emmett's Birthday: I poured my heart into a Thomas the Train birthday party for Emmett. I've been planning it for weeks and tried to make it a kid's only party with no parents. (Although there were a few parents). I bought all this Thomas stuff and instruments and thank God it was a beautiful day. Mike played a guitar and they all played along. We played a game with prizes. We had a parade. And, they played in the sandbox. All the kids had their own cape with their name on it.

Jessica's Birthday: We went out to the 700 Club Saturday night to celebrate Jessica's birthday. I got really into dancing with my glow-in-the-dark skeleton t-shirt, but after about an hour, I got really irritated with the all rap and hip hop music. I got irritated and left.

Phil & Avery's Birthday:

Last night, we celebrated Phil & Avery's birthday. I made fish for us and Phil and a cake. Ana brought beer. It was fun. Emmett picked out this monster poster for Phil that said "Keep Out" at the top. I wanted to give Phil art supplies from Emmett, but to no avail. Emmett was insistent that that was the present he wanted to get for Phil.