I feel a sense of

judgement, and I'm not sure why. I feel like the people around me are always judging my actions and movements by the mother/wife ideal. I make a public declaration right here that if that is happening, I will continually fail. I am messed-up in millions of ways and can't make any apologies for the things I do or the way I am. I acknowledge that Emmett and Mike deserve better than me. I am not hiding the fact that Mike is better than me and that I question whether my "good" traits overshadow my bad. I find it incredible that he stays with me despite my irradic and hot-tempered behavior. I find myself unable to fully give in to this role and wonder if moving to the suburbs, away from activity and from things I want to do, would be the right (and disciplined) thing for me. Rather than trying to pave my own way, I think I should probably follow what works. (Isolating yourself into marriage and family). I'm not looking for comments to say "no! don't!" or "you're not that bad"! These are things I'm questioning in myself.

As for feeling judged, this is an ongoing sense I feel and a lot of times I quarantine myself because I'm unable to meet up to the expectations I have on myself, which I believe become the expectations other people have of me. Mike is not in this category. I feel like no matter what I do, he's the one person that doesn't think less of me/find me annoying etc.

I feel a little revealed here, and fearful of the whole self-fufilling prophecy, but am aliviated nonetheless to write this down. I can't figure out what I'm doing.

I'm basically happy with my life-- just not always with myself.