I'm swinging over

all of it, and realize that (for me) working on things in the moment dissolves all the complicated thoughts I have. It seems so simple right now. Just listen to inspiring music, be a good mom to Emmett and do things that mean something or feel fun. It solves everything. I'm not sure why I ever forget this.

In the past few weeks, there were a few things that bothered me. I felt rejected at this show I went to, and actually had to deal with feelings I haven't felt since (i was literally) in college. But when I tore it all apart and remembered that I'm not trying to be part of a scene, and remembered I'm a mom and lurched myself above my own feelings, for the first time ever, my "role" felt comforting -- like I had an umbrella and nothing else matters.

For so long, I've felt resistant to being defined as a Mom and a Wife, hanging on hard to my independance and trying to "prove" that I hadn't lost whatever I am. But I'm realizing that my role is actually comforting and gives me excuses. I don't really have to work as hard at being anything, because it shouldn't be my focus.

I'm going into it now and not resisiting it. I have nothing to prove anymore. There are certain things I'm losing, but I'm gaining the ability to let things go and not hold grudges which is something I never had before. The truth is, I like myself better now than I did before.

I've felt a renewed sense of excitement about life lately. There are so many fun things to do and so many things to make. And I can make the time if I want to, because Mike gets it and he gets me -- and in a weird way, so does Emmett.

I still go back and forth wishing I was a more normal wife and mother (everything would be a lot more simple), but they always understand that there's a part of me that needs to feel free. I'm accepting this side, but want to make sure I always create boundaries and don't do anything that will damage anyone.

I think all my crossing patterns are fine, as long as they don't hurt anyone else.