Orders...and no product

To date, we have about 6 or 7 people that want to order t-shirts from us. Yesterday, I received an inquiry for someone wanting to order 6 dozen. It is extremely frustrating that we are still finalizing our sample, let alone that we haven't chosen our colors. But the demand is there. I have a message on my answering machine from yesterday from someone that wants to buy them. This guy http://www.ujeans.com called me yesterday and we're talking about joint advertising. Everything is happening so fast. I just want to get our products!

LOST left me feeling sad. I miss Charlie. Claire and the baby made me feel what it would be like to lose Mike.

All I'm thinking about is business right now, and my baby kicking and the fact that I hate myself for still smoking. I'm calling a program today.

The classes are going really well. Phil and I are learning so much. I'm bummed that he and Wayne are moving out, but it has to happen due to the baby...

I'm moving from surface to surface

with no energy and feeling totally depressed. This is pregnancy. I know that, but it's leading me into sadness. I keep looking at my list, knowing that all I want to do is go to sleep. But Emmett doesn't want to go to sleep and to get my attention, he's talking non-stop. And when he's not talking, he's just making noises. His voice is irritating to me, and that's making me even sadder.

Finally, I just let him watch TV, hating myself for this. Every time Emmett watches TV, I feel like I'm failing. I don't know how I'm going to get through another 6 months of this. I'm so unstable with my emotions. I have lost interest in everything. I'm not meeting my obligations. I wish we had a different life right now.

The party went well I think. There was some weird depression that followed. I guess it relates to my sister and the difference in response by my mother to her child and mine. It's very difficult for me to be with my entire family. My dad is exempt from these feelings. It's all about my mom, who keeps trying to convince me that she can't wait for this baby to be born. I don't believe that she'll be here for me. It just annoys me when she acts interested.

Everything in life is so disapointing. I think the most satisfaction I've found are independant projects I've done that have been successful --or climbing the corporate ladder. These are the only two things that seem to have fulfilled me. Being a mother hasn't fulfilled me, although I experience a certain joy with Emmett that is different than anything else.

It's day to day with me.

10:58-my friend just called me and told me that he and my housemate were making fun of the outfit I wore at the party telling me I looked like I was at a jewish wedding or a gypsy. I acted like it didn't bother me, but it topped everything off and led me into a 20 second crying fit.

This weekend

we're having a party for my sister's new baby. She's coming in from LA for this event, and it's going to be huge. We're going to have tons and tons of food and drinks etc. If anyone wants to come, you are welcome to come...

Thanks for all the comments on my last post. I continue to recognize that I have some serious problems. I just need to decide whether to create bigger walls to those feelings or to uncover them. The "obvious" answer is to uncover them, but I'm actually not so sure aobut that. If I can fix other things in my life, sometimes seemingly unrelated problems seem to go away. Rather than dealing with my feelings, I think I need to deal with the problem that's probably very far away from the solutions I come up with.

I continue to envy normal people.

When you get married, then have a baby

you're adding boundaries to your life. I feel that I've boxed myself into a very small place. I'm questioning my life. There are things that were left undone. I just try to live with these things when I feel them or more often, I try to push them away or cover them over. There are things I can't resolve and things I never did that I'll never do. None of this is anyone's fault but my own, and Mike is a victim of this insanity and insatiablity. I am not worthy of this marriage. I am not worthy of my perfect child. I am a complete mess, unable to exist in the present. I'm always in the past or the future, desperately trying to thwart routine and find something else. I am basically, very lonely because there are parts of me that have been hiding in dark corners most of my adult life. Some of this, I don't even understand. I wish I were normal and am so sick of living with all this complicated thinking. I want to uncover everything, but realize that doing that will lead me to misery, so I don't. Or sometimes I do, and I get like how I am right now.