Hunting and cookies.

Today we're going to an Easter Egg Hunt up the street. I made two mistakes. First, I agreed to make cookies. Then, I decided to make "real" cookies for a fun experience with Emmett. Well, this was a lot more trouble than it was worth. I don't even think I did it right. I'm going to bring extremely floury cookies to this event. I'm sure the kids will think they taste disgusting. I did the flyer (pictured). I'm not extremely proud of it, but it looks much better than it did before.

Tomorrow, we're going to the Aquarium for free. We went before with Emmett's cousin and his parents and I complained and asked for free re-entry. They agreed, and I have 4 adult tickets and 2 kids tickets. Luckily, Nate will be here so we'll all go and bring Phil as the extra.

Things are sort of calming down. I don't know if that urgent situation is as urgent as it was presented to me. As my dad said, you have to just trust God. So that's what I'm trying to do. The house yesterday was awesome, but the amount of work it needed was insane.

----------------------

Every day, I (literally) search for fair trade clothing news by rss feed. It takes a long time, but I do it diligently. I've started a "fun fair trade blog" featuring the highlights (most interesting or important parts) of my findings.

It's pretty easy to read (headline-driven) and short. I tried to create something that requires very little commitment.

If you want to check it out, it's on my myspace fair trade site.

I'm getting caught in

a whirlwind of too much. Too much is happening and I don't physically have enough time to handle it.

We are in a house that's too small and more people need to move in -- really NEED to move in, and figuring this out is almost impossible. We're going to look at another house tomorrow. I feel this, bringing people into our environment, is something that I want -- but beyond that, that God calls me to. I can't get into the situation I'm talking about now, but there is an urgency to accommodate another person, and I have to figure out how to make this work for the summer. I'm not willing to ask either of my roomates to leave. They are part of my daily joy.

Everything feels so urgent.We're actually looking at buying another house. We're talking about building an addition. But where is this money coming from? We're living on our savings and we don't have much time left.

In the meantime, I have a freelance project that's going over budget and this is akward with my client. She's already invested a lot.

We are trying to get a new table for the kitchen. I have a friend visiting for a week to work on Living Wage, which I can't wait for, but I wish I could be thinking about more. My tooth hurts. I'm not sleeping enough, eating right...I'm not sweeping the front step, which is important here. Every room in our house needs to be cleaned and organized. Everything EVERYTHING needs my attention. I have a rebate to use. A gift certifcate that's about to expire. And I'm not being an attentive friend lately to the people I love.

On the business side, we have a lot to do in a very short amount of time. Our soft launch is this August, and we haven't even selected our manufacturer. And in the background of all this is a child that's growing, thinking, feeling and needs my attention. This continues to be my first priority, but I'm getting tired.

I woke up at 3:30 this morning. I am forcing time into sleeping hours because I don't have any.

I need to pray. I need to find a church. I need to get sneakers and get a haircut and cover my gray hair. We have a meeting and a show in New York. This weekend I'm making cookies for an Easter Egg Hunt and my neice and her kid might be coming into town. Emmett and I are meeting a friend and her kids for coffee in an hour. I'm working on a band project tonight. I'm still in my pajamas. I didn't watch Lost last night. I didn't wash my face before I went to bed.

It's way too much.

I feel like I just dropped my ski poles and am standing up straight -- heading down a gigantic mountain.

I'm swinging over

all of it, and realize that (for me) working on things in the moment dissolves all the complicated thoughts I have. It seems so simple right now. Just listen to inspiring music, be a good mom to Emmett and do things that mean something or feel fun. It solves everything. I'm not sure why I ever forget this.

In the past few weeks, there were a few things that bothered me. I felt rejected at this show I went to, and actually had to deal with feelings I haven't felt since (i was literally) in college. But when I tore it all apart and remembered that I'm not trying to be part of a scene, and remembered I'm a mom and lurched myself above my own feelings, for the first time ever, my "role" felt comforting -- like I had an umbrella and nothing else matters.

For so long, I've felt resistant to being defined as a Mom and a Wife, hanging on hard to my independance and trying to "prove" that I hadn't lost whatever I am. But I'm realizing that my role is actually comforting and gives me excuses. I don't really have to work as hard at being anything, because it shouldn't be my focus.

I'm going into it now and not resisiting it. I have nothing to prove anymore. There are certain things I'm losing, but I'm gaining the ability to let things go and not hold grudges which is something I never had before. The truth is, I like myself better now than I did before.

I've felt a renewed sense of excitement about life lately. There are so many fun things to do and so many things to make. And I can make the time if I want to, because Mike gets it and he gets me -- and in a weird way, so does Emmett.

I still go back and forth wishing I was a more normal wife and mother (everything would be a lot more simple), but they always understand that there's a part of me that needs to feel free. I'm accepting this side, but want to make sure I always create boundaries and don't do anything that will damage anyone.

I think all my crossing patterns are fine, as long as they don't hurt anyone else.

what a perfect

birthday I had yesterday. Every single wish...every single call...every single bit of excitement came as a surprise. I was so relaxed about it, that I (literally) expected nothing from anyone. And I am so thankful and so blessed by everyone that cares so much to do anything despite all of my negativity about my birthday this year.

Specifically, thank you Phil for making my morning with happiness and a new mix cd featuring warped pictures of me and a bunch of songs I never heard before. Thank you Mike for making my afternoon by letting me take a nap, then cleaning out the van, and instaling a new CD player in the van and giving me The Blow CD. Thank you Wayne, for being so happy all day, giving me soda, and the present that I know is coming. Thank you Jessica & Colin for making a party for me, for bringing the weird and awesome cake, for the Star Magazine subscription and for the new Weeds CD -- you guys made it an event and had happiness that spread to me. Thank you Seph for the new mix CD which was completely unexpected and that I'm listening to now. Thank you Allie for adding the visuals to our night with the birthday dance video, which, by the way, shows me that you're a kick-ass dancer. And thank you Emmett for helping me blow out the candles, for getting so excited when I opened your presents, and for the delicious chocolates and sharpie markers. You are the best kid ever. I can't believe I get to live with you for like 20 more years.

I am so, so lucky to have all of you. I'm so lucky to have friends that are more like family. I love you all so much. I am so grateful, so blessed and so, so thankful.

__________________________________________________________________________________________

The other awesome thing that happened yesterday, was that Phil and I went up to Moore & University of the Arts to interview the schools about the certificate-based design programs they're offering. In the end, we decided on University of the Arts. We're going to each get a certification in Print Design and possibly Web Design also. I'm so, SO excited to learn the programs the right way and to be able to do what I want without depending on Mike to help me. Our classes start in May. I'm obsessed with thinking about this.

Today I have a meeting, a doctor's appointment and have a bunch of things to do for Living Wage. It is a beautiful day. I love life.

I have a blister

on my right pointer finger, and it's from playing the bass for hours on Saturday. It was the most fun I've had in so long. I've never experienced anything like it, ever. Playing music for a long time, and repeating the same thing over and over is almost like drugs. I started to hear this whirring sound behind the music, and was focused only on sound. I don't know how I missed this part of creativity my entire life. And all I wanted to do for hours after that was go back and keep going, even though my left shoulder hurt -- even though my finger was swollen. It's this weird, overly intimate, yet totally alone experience that satisfied something I never knew was there.

Other than that, I went to a show this weekend with Jessica. We saw the Weeds (I LOVE THAT BAND) and then the Blow (Now I really, really love that band) and then Mirah (I liked the other two better -- she's good, just slow). I wish the people there were about 10 years older. I am gladly willing to sacrifice seeing music preformed live to not feel like "the old person".

So it's Monday morning. I have a ton of work to do for a meeting I have tomorrow. Tomorrow is my birthday and a day I care nothing about. I guess I'm realizing that "birthday attention" makes me feel self-conscious and uncomfortable and that I enjoy spontaneous acts of love more than obligatory ones.

I'm having a hard time writing this part, because I don't want it to sound offensive. I'm making a cake with Emmett tomorrow and am inviting people over around 9 to eat it and watch Dirt at 10. But in a weird way, it's not about me. It's about "the act" of making a cake with Emmett and it's about not wanting anyone to feel hurt about not being included. But for the first time in my entire life, I don't care about presents or about being appreciated. The most important holiday to me these days is Mother's Day. It's weird, but that feels like the only day of the year I want to feel like I'm doing okay.

what the...

I CANT BELIEVE WHAT'S HAPPENING WITH LIVING WAGE. I'm trying not to say too much, but at this point, I can't keep these things in. That magazine called and interviewed me on husband and wife couples doing a business together. I'm not counting on this (I was a very nervous interview) but I can't believe it even happened. I can't believe our professor gave them our name. We are whirling from this and I totally believe it was God.

Here is some work by one of our image designers, Beth Haidle. She showed me a few things from her sketchbook to give me an idea. I am amazed that she is with us. Her work is inspiring so much excitement in us. She's coming out in April to sit down and work on this with us. I met her right before she moved to New Mexico, I loved her and her work, and somehow we've stayed in touch. She's got so much energy and excitement about this project and keeps sending me examples and ideas! In the meantime, Phil and I are starting design classes at Moore at the end of April so I can handle the advertising & he can contribute graphic images for the shirts.


And I started the designer guidelines. I want to have it done sometime this weekend. There is so much to do. We are so excited. We love this life and I feel so supported. I know positive posts are boring, but I just can't believe i'm even involved in this.

Freaks & Sleep.

I'm coming to realize that when I don't sleep, I am not as happy. I hate sleeping, but more than that, I hate having no energy. I actually become depressed when I don't feel able to get things done. Today feels like a fresh day. It's 8:08 and looks beautiful, warm and sunny outside.

Yesterday, two people were here. One was a household breakfast with A & N and the other was a dinner with two of our (Mike and my) friends. In both situations, I was wishing so desperately that I'd slept. (This is in part for you A and in part because I'm realizing something). I love people and I'm always interested, but when I haven't slept, I can't seem to keep my mind in one place and I feel like laughing and having fun is harder for me. Both events were fun, but I was disappointed with myself socially.

After dinner, we got into our pajamas and I was sitting with Mike and watched an episode of Freaks and Geeks where the girl gets high. She started philosphizing oddly and Mike said "Elisabeth. That girl -- high -- reminds me of you."

Okay. I blogged for archival purposes of current events....I found my introduction line to what's coming. Here we go.

My weird philosophical state

The Greeks
I've been studying ancient Greek philosophers and I can't believe that no one has been able to disprove the things they said. I won't bore you (or myself later) with the details, but my mind has been racing into these really strange philosphical thoughts. Lately, I'm stuck on one that's putting me in a trance. (Read the paragraphs I wrote about Plato and most importantly Zeno in the picture above. I wrote those blurbs for a Greek festival magazine)

Reality in Question
I'm questioning reality itself. We act like everything is solid, logical and factually-based. But Zeno raised questions about our perception of basic reality. That things that seem to happen (very basic things like an arrow hitting a target) are mathmatically impossible. The understanding of reality and perception that I was taught in school no longer seems to make sense within the mathmatical & scientific structure our society is founded on!

Weird parts of life we pretend are normal
I start to think about the fact that when we get cut, we "heal ourselves" like E.T. That solids are made up of a bunch of molecules moving and if the atoms in my foot are positioned in the same way as the floor at a given moment, my foot would sink and become part of the floor. That I can't look at this gigantic ball of light in the sky, or else i'll go blind. That no one can figure out why we're here, what we're doing or what's going on in the rest of the universe. They can only seem to figure out what things are made of and how they relate. That doesn't seem like much.

My Conculusion
I feel like I'm in this weird sci-fi novel with a spirtuallly-based world and people pretending like it isn't. I'm questioning what we even are and if things I physically feel are even real. What I'm saying is that I'm starting to understand the dismissal of the 5 senses and the fact that when I actually touch something solid, it feels solid, but it's actually moving and that technically, my "perception" is incorrect.

I'm aware that I can only see a small part of what's happening. I believe there's a spiritual world of things happening that I can't perceive with my senses. That this "earth" is more alien-like than I ever thought. I don't know what reality is and I think it's laughable that Western culture can continue clinging onto this scientifically based way of thinking, when we can't seem to figure anything out besides how things work and what they're made of. We never know WHY. We have no explanation for things outside of scientific explanation except "coincidence" or "dejavous" or "a temporary lapse of sanity". Time travel has not yet been disproven, but it doesn't fit in with rational science or any of our sensory-based understanding of things.

I feel like the 5 senses only apply generally to the medical side body (physical)and even then, there are "medical miracles" that we seem to think are logically based instead of something else. I beleive that all human senses outside of the physical body, are questionable. When we touch things, we're not feeling movement in solids. We can't hear sounds we know are there, like elephant calls or underwater communication -- who knows if catastrophic events have sounds we can't hear before they happen -- the animals seem to know. We can't see wind or oxygen. We can't see anything spiritual, things some of us feel and know are there. We can't figure out why when we think of a person, they suddenly contact us or what these little anomolies in human connection actually are...because they don't fit into the scientific form of the 5 senses.

I'm thrown into this weird state of existance. I'm not sure how much of my perception is inline with what's actually happening. I'm quick to admit that I don't believe human life is the highest form of existance. Now, I just don't know that I even understand what we are.

Strange dream (circa 2002)

There was a meeting, with 6 men, formally dressed in business suits at a table, negotiating. 3 sat on one side of the table and 3 sat on the other.

The interior office walls were glass, covered by venetian blinds, and the room was well-lit by sun light. I was peering through the cracks in the venetian blinds, and no one could see me.

The meeting was typical, with corporate nicities sludged with a get-down-to-business attitude. It was formal, sort of like a board meeting, and the topic was whether or not to continue going after one of the people they'd been courting.

I realized quickly that these were not actually men, but they were demons, discussing whether or not one human was worth trying to win over. I felt like I somehow got somewhere I wasn't supposed to be and was watching something I shouldn't be watching.

The three men on the right side of the table were arguing that it was worth the effort and that they should continue. The three on the left felt it was a lost cause and wanted to abandon the project. The odd thing was, there was nothing scary or unfamiliar about the way they were meeting and talking. It was all very calm and professional, like they were negotiating budget spendings for the following year. In some strange way, they were so familiar, they were not completely unlikable. It seemed like this was simply their job.

Two of them became dominant in the discussion. The one on the right kept arguing for the person, saying that it was worth the work they'd put in, that they'd seen progress and that it was worth continuing. The one on the left was adamantly opposed, saying it was hopeless and a waste of their time and that they needed to move on. It became a debate between the two that lasted about 10 minutes.

After a pause in the conversation, the man on the left, the one opposed to continuing, said something to the man on the right that has left me chilled ever since. He said:

"It's not worth continuing with this and I can prove it. She's outside of this office looking through the window right now."

More on this.

There's been some hurt-kind-of responses to what I wrote. Last night, I was up dealing with the surface of this "coverage", examining why I have it, and wondering if it's hurtful to people I love. It's not fair that people should be honest with me and that I should always keep something up for my own protection.

I realized that when I don't talk about things, I don't feel them as much. If there's something bothering me, I can talk about it safely and make it go away. When I talk about something too much, I actually find myself creating and adding to my feelings and end up fixated on the worst case scenario.

As awful as the ice pond imagery is, here's my defense to it: I'm spared what may be a complicated mixture of emotional and death/life oriented pain. If I were not to filter this nucleus from myself, I don't think I could handle it -- let alone anyone surrounding me. I've created boundaries for my feelings because I don't think humanity can exist happily, going too deep. There's no desire to block anyone out of anything that I'm not blocking myself out of. Except Mike, and this is where I need the most work.

Last night I said to Mike: "You can never hurt me no matter what you say. I've arranged it like that since the day we got married." I said that to him when he told me very gently that he never wanted to hurt me. And (minus serious circumstances) it's something I really believe. Where it affects other people -- that's what needs the most work. Because the truth is, I'm much happier this way. (Then I wonder...but am I? And decide, yes, I really am. Then, I get confused by what I feel and what's there because this is anti-psychology).

The other thing bothering me last night was the fact that my mother has "been there" for my sister's child in a way I didn't feel she was for me. If I allow myself to feel too much of this, I will warp reality rather than looking at it from a distance and seeing facts like -- well maybe my mother realized what happened with me the first time and is trying harder with Audrey or maybe my mother really loves being in Los Angeles during the winter or maybe my mother loves working at a store that's succeeding or maybe this is like a vacation for my mom--it's just fun. So that's an example of this layer of ice. If I look through it, I can see it. When I start to feel it, the words "Benefit of the doubt" are lost, and I'm caught in emotions that map their own course.

Life and people are so complicated. I'm just trying to get through being happy. I'm starting to believe that censoring what I feel keeps me sane.