It's over.

As of last night, the entire thing is over. This whole stupid thing is done. Thank you thank you God.

The past week has been total hell. I forced myself through this and in the end, I feel like I am rechoosing my life. I love my husband. I adore my son. I love God. I know this is where I belong.

I'm never going to be a perfect wife or a perfect mother, but I know this is where I want to be and I can do things the best I can. And even though I'll never be Betty Crocker, I can be fun. That's the main thing I can give to my family and maybe that's what they need the most.

Emmett likes the same

cerael as me. It's frustrating, because we buy him his own kind but he just wants my Frosted Mini Wheats and I can never keep enough of them around. This has been my favorite kind of cerael for the past 3 years. And when asked the deeply profound question "Do you like the mini wheats or the regular ones better", I really couldn't figure out the answer. I like the struggle of the full sized kind, but always buy the mini wheats because they're easier to eat.

I wish I didn't have to eat anything and didn't have to feel hunger. I would be happy to cut this out of my life. I don't really enjoy eating or having to stop what I'm doing to eat. But when I do, cerael is probably my favorite food...and plain untoasted bread. Mainly because there is little work involved in the preparation.

This early mid-life crises continues. I've had opportunities to get out of it, but I force myself to continue so I can feel like the lifestyle I'm in, is one that I choose instead of one that I followed. for a long time, questions of anykind were just pushed away because it's much safer to not think. The result of this is a bitter sweet sadness and feeling a certain entrapment.

None of this is to say I don't adore my family because I do. I wish I didn't have this other side to me. It literally paralyses me from movement.

In the course of writing this, Emmett has spit out 5 spoonfuls of frosted mini wheats saying "yucky" and I got him a new bowlful. He did the same thing with that bowl and all I could think about was what a waste. Now he's eating Life.

I'm forcing coffee

down. i'm so tired and feel overly introspective because of it. I've been in a trance for 2 or 3 days and can't seem to snap back to reality.

This whole period of questioning everything is taking a toll on me. I feel like my joy is on hiatus and I'm slugging along like some aloof, depressed movie character. It could be that God brings joy and in stepping back, it's gone. I don't know. But I think I have to go through this.

It's weird, because I told my mom what I was going through yesterday and she said that she went through the same thing in her earlly 30's. I just don't understand the way things work. I feel at odds with everyone and everything right now. There seems to be so little purpose for living, even when I think about God being involved. Why couldn't we just skip this step.

Feeling overly tired makes things kind of fuzzy and lights overblow detail and darks are harsh, so even the way things look is sort of strange right now. I wish I could turn on and off at will. I wish I could erase certain eras of my life like in Spotless Mind. I just wish this would all stop and I could feel blissfully happy again. Sleep would probably help.

I feel exhilarated

because I listened to music and drove by myself in the car singing. There's something about doing that that puts me into a trance. And it continues after the music is off.

I've begun re-evaluating my entire life and every social convention I've ever been a part of. This isn't easy to do when you're married and have a baby. But I have to undo what I've learned and rethink it all.

I'm dissecting marriage right now, realizing that I don't fully understand this convention. Everyone seems so unhappy in marriage. I don't know why this is the standard. In addition, I'm examining the definition of motherhood and what I've always thought a good mom was. I'm starting over everywhere -- including with my faith.

Mike said to me last night "Do you believe in God" and I said "Yes, I think so, or maybe I'm scared not to believe in God".

I'm starting over.

----------------------------------------------------------------------
One of the songs that pushes me over:

Third Planet
Modest Mouse

Everything that keeps me together is falling apart, I've got
this thing that I consider my only art of fucking people over
My boss just quit the job says he's goin' out to find blind
spots and he'll do it
The 3rd Planet is sure that they're being watched by an
eye in the sky that can't be stopped
When you get to the promise land your gonna shake that
eyes hand
Your heart felt good it was drippin' pitch and made of wood
And your hands and knees felt cold and wet on the grass to me
Outside naked, shiverin' looking blue, from the cold
sunlight that's reflected off the moon
Baby cum angels fly around you reminding you we used
to be three and not just two
And that's how the world began
And that's how the world will end
A 3rd had just been made and we were swimming in the
water, didn't know then was it a son was it a daughter
When it occurred to me that the animals are swimming
around in the water in the oceans in our bodies and
another had been found another ocean on the planet
given that our blood is just like the Atlantic
And how
The universe is shaped exactly like the earth if you go
straight long enough you'll end up where you were

Currently listening:
The Moon & Antarctica
By Modest Mouse

I'm stuck

being a dreamer and it impedes my life.

This is a lighthearted way to write something that's pretty serious. I'm stuck in a delusion that changes all the time. it's like I'm in a fantasy world and I can't get out of it. It actually makes me disregard the things that are around me.

There are probably a few people that can understand what this is like. it's almost a mental illness in a weird way. It looks like I'm talking to you, hanging out, but in reality I'm dreaming about something in this very colorful way. And music is the worst because it puts me right there. It's like a soundtrack.

I believe

Thursday, May 04, 2006


I believe

that no matter what the situation, human beings are destined to suffer and if there's no physical hardship, they'll mentally allot space to anguish and pain. So whether it's someone in a third world country struggling to eat, or someone in this country that's obsessed with if their boss likes them -- there will always be some kind of struggle. In this country, we're so devoid of real "physical" problems, that emotional issues take the place of physical hardship. The space is there.

It's the struggle of life that's intrinsic to existence. We're in this world with these undeniable questions. We're too smart to just accept everything, and too stupid to understand it all. So the struggle becomes one of survival or intellect. Either way, there's a struggle.

Now I realize there are potholes in the generalization of this thought. There are those people that are seemingly satisfied with the American dream, and plod along sort of happily (it seems). But I'm not really talking about those people because I don't know any of them.

I'm just realizing that no matter what, struggle is as much a part of human existance as love. And no matter what the circumstance, people will find something to struggle in.

Currently watching:
Jimmy Neutron - Boy Genius
Release date: By 02 July, 2002

Obsession with Lost

Obsession with Lost

I am totally obsessed with this show. I have never been so into a TV show before, except maybe the first Survivor. I can't stand it. I'm like an addict.

It's weird, my whole life I've hung around an offbeat way of life, and the regulations for that are just as hindering as the mainstream ones. Things like you have to be a democrat, you have to hate TV, you have to find make up disgusting etc. Somewhere in my late 20's, when I finally admitted I loved People magazine and thought that Hillary Duff had a good voice, I started to really figure myself out.

I hate following any agenda, even the offbeat one.

Currently listening:
No!
By They Might Be Giants
Release date: By 11 June, 2002