crossword puzzles

are becomming an addiction for me. I don't know when I turned 50.

This weekend, I did my first crossword. It took at least three hours. Then, last night before I went to bed, I got halfway through my second...in less than an hour. I really believe that you have to do a few crosswords to get it. Then, it comes easier.

I picked this image because things in my life are getting clearer. Not because it has anything to do with my new addiction. Suddenly, I feel like I can see again -- like this dark cave is illuminated with some kind of light, and I can see what's going to happen. I feel like I have a semblence of control.

Here's what's happening:

House: We have 5 people in this little house and I feel so happy. Wayne, Phil, Mike, Emmett and Me. And when Ana is here, I feel like life is perfect. Everyone does their own thing, and we interact on the by. Wayne has his own thing going on with school, Avery etc. etc. Phil has his job and is bringing (literally) good music onto my computer. Mike is building closets. I'm always cleaning and working on community related events. And Emmett is all about trains.

Weekend: Last weekend we went to a wedding up in the middle of nowhere. I felt happy because I danced the whole time and didn't care. I just wish I actually knew how to dance. It would be easier if I had moves prepared.

Flea Market: This weekend is the flea market and I feel excited and apprehensive. This is something I'm co-organizing and we have a lot of people vending. At the same time, I decided I wanted to make the flea market cool by having bands play inside the park. I have 5 bands and one DJ. We'll see how this goes.

Emmett's Birthday: On Nov. 10 is Emmett's birthday. I am really getting into this.
We are making his invitations today. The favors are bat capes with each kid's name ironed on.

Money: This is a struggle right now, but I know we'll be okay despite what Mike thinks. There was some deal with an overdraw on Paypal and we got charged $60. He's flipping out. Things are really tight. For some reason, I'm not letting this affect me. I know that soon I'll be working again. That once Emmett is in school, my baby is gone.

Emmett: He told me he loved me the other day. He said "Mommy, I love you". I burst into tears. And what was weird was that he understood. I kept saying "I'm crying because I'm happy Emmett" and I realized he wasn't asking me why I was crying.

Halloween: When I was six months pregnant, I bought Emmett a monster outfit that reminded me of the little boy from Where The Wild Things Are. I've attached a picture of another kid in a costume (from Ebay). It was the first thing I bought for him. I've waited three years for him to wear this costume on Halloween. My mom (this year) gave him an alligator costume. Emmett has been wearing that costume for the past two weeks. He doesn't want to be a monster. he wants to be an alligator.

Wayne just walked down from the shower and said "Happy Halloween. A holiday I care nothing about". I said "Me either".

I want another child

but I'm afraid of certain things. That's the delay in a second child.This weekend, on our 6th Anniversary, Mike and I finally talked about it a little bit.

Most of the mothers I know that have one kid and are totally fine with it. They're not planning for more and they don't fear having regrets. But Mike and I can't seem to justify the one kid family. I think it's because he grew up almost an only child (with two much older sisters) and because all the only children we know seem to have some sort of residual anger at being an only child. It comes down to Emmett.

For me, the major problem (aside from the actual pregnancy) is favortism. I don't want to be a parent that favors one over the other. I know it's my tendency (I'm always thinking, which is my favorite about almost everything) and I worry for another child. Emmett is my firstborn. He is everything I could ever want in a child. There will never be anyone that can replace him or get more of my love. Not only because he's an amazing kid, but because he is my first.

Having grown up in a family where favoritism wasn't intentionally shown (but was there), I know that not being favored by a parent was exceptionally hard for me. I don't want to do this to my own children. I am very worried that we could mess them up.

All this to say, we've started talking about it as a real possibility. But don't expect anything too soon.

In my neighborhood

I know most of the moms. Every Thursday night, there's Soccer and all the mothers and all the toddlers trek up to the field and our kids, all 50 of them, sort of play soccer.

Last week, when I was there, I realized that (as I expected) the parents here are so different than they are in the country and that even the ones that look kindof normal appear so different with a city backdrop. But that's not what this is all about.

I was hanging with my crew of moms, the ones with 3 year old boys, and suddenly I saw the cool mom group. I never noticed them before. I never noticed they were cool, because they don't strike me when they're alone, but all together, they look cool. They're the moms that wear strange skirts with stockings, weird shoes and t-shirts. They're the moms with good short haircuts and unusual glasses. And they gravitate to each other.

I felt uncool all of the sudden. My group of moms is unassuming. They're all about their kids and the community. So I came home and told Phil that I felt sad like why wasn't I in the cool mom group. And outloud, I remembered that those moms all have little girls (and I have a boy). So I resolved it.

But I didn't really resolve it but just got over it because Emmett loves his friends and this is about him. And I really love the mothers I know.

On Monday, I met someone I don't really know because we're doing a flea market. And I sat with her in the cafe and all of the sudden, I was there with the cool moms. She is one and the other woman there was one. And I liked them. But I realized, as I did when I was 18, that I don't gravitate towards people because of how they look. And that these cool moms are totally cooler than I am, and i could hang out with them and probably will -- but I love the moms that aren't.

ADHD

Mike sent me a list of ADHD symptoms in adults. By the time I got to the end of the list, I (literally) welled up with tears. I had 18 of the symptoms listed.

I know I have ADHD. I refer to it in a funny way, but I'm realizing that it takes a lot of work for me to feel satisfied with "the trip" or to enjoy the present. I'm truly always searching for something extreme.

I saw a TV commercial once and it was of a TV flipping channels. It went on for about 15 seconds and then block text came on the bottom of the screen. It said: "Is this how you experience life". And I thought "Yes". It was a commercial for ADD and ADHD.

In order for me to acomplish something, I have to set a goal for myself that I can beat. I have to time myself or offer myself a reward. It's difficult for me to get started and in the course of an hour, I can get super excited about something, plan the whole thing out, but lose the steam necessary to do it. Even with this business. As into it as I am, it is hard for me to stay above the water. I have mentally done the whole thing and want to start the next project.

Last thing: Mike also sent me something that said caffine can cause symptoms of ADHD. i'm not going to post it on here because this post is already going to be long. It probably helps make it worse, but I know I have the basic problem. I also know I'm not on extreme worst of the scale. But as I look back on my previous posts, I feel like I live in a glass house.
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Suggested Diagnostic Criteria for AD/HD in Adults
If you have exhibited at least twelve of the following behaviors since childhood and if these symptoms are not associated with any other medical or psychiatric condition, consider an evaluation by a team of AD/HD professionals.

1. A sense of underachievement, of not meeting one’s goals (regardless of how much one has actually accomplished).
2. Difficulty getting organized.
3. Chronic procrastination or trouble getting started.
4. Many projects going simultaneously; trouble with follow through.
5. A tendency to say what comes to mind without necessarily considering the timing or appropriateness of the remark.
6. A frequent search for high stimulation.
7. An intolerance of boredom.
8. Easy distractibility; trouble focusing attention, tendency to tune out or drift away in the middle of a page or conversation, often coupled with an inability to focus at times.
9. Often creative, intuitive, highly intelligent
10. Trouble in going through established channels and following “proper” procedure.
11. Impatient; low tolerance of frustration.
12. Impulsive, either verbally or in action, as an impulsive spending of money.
13. Changing plans, enacting new schemes or career plans and the like; hot-tempered.
14. A tendency to worry needlessly, endlessly; a tendency to scan the horizon looking for something to worry about, alternating with attention to or disregard for actual dangers.
15. A sense of insecurity.
16. Mood swings, mood lability, especially when disengaged from a person or a project.
17. Physical or cognitive restlessness.
18. A tendency toward addictive behavior.
19. Chronic problems with self-esteem.
20. Inaccurate self-observation.
21. Family history of AD/HD or manic depressive illness or depression or substance abuse or other disorders of impulse control or mood.


The Positive Aspects of AD/HD
Most descriptions of AD/HD focus on the negative aspects and neglect to mention the advantages to having AD/HD. They include:
* Creativity
* High Energy
* Intuitiveness
* Resourcefulness
* Tenacity
* Warm-heartedness
* Trusting Attitude (sometimes too much so)
* Forgiving attitude (sometimes too much so)
* Sensitivity
* Ability to take risks (sometimes too risky)
* Flexibility
* Loyalty
* Good sense of humor

we are transitioning

In so many ways right now. Phil is living here. Ana is moving in. Wayne is staying with us. And in the process of all of this, our house is like a boundary for us. If it were up to me, I'd probably live in a house full of people. That's how I always liked it best.

So today, we cleared out the basement and our entire backyard is full of crap. It's stuff I don't want to tdeal with. I feel embarassed to the neighbors. I cleaned out Emmett's toys. I cleared out some of my old stuff. Half of it is at my friends warehouse. The other half is at J & C's house (the ebay stuff).

And I just accepted a freelance job. And mike just went on a job interview. And we're trying to get back into our business. And everything is transitioing right now.

But what I'm realizing is that everything has been transitioing for the past 5 years. I just want to know what my life is going to be.

My energy

is fading. Every day I wake up thinking that my energy is going to come back, and it hasn't. I have spurts of energy, but I think I've used it all up. Sometimes I blame it on coffee. Sometimes I think it's aging. But I just don't have the same energy I used to.

There was a time that I could go nonstop all day, from one thing to the next, not needing the motivation to "get started". But somehow now, that's irregular. Now, I need to get the motivation to get started.

My obsession with being feminine is coming to a close. Winter is coming and I simply don't have feminine clothing. Because of that, i'm forced back into jeans and t-shirts. I wish I had time to figure this out.

In other news, we can't use the water again. This time, it will pour onto the street if we use it. Phil is here, and Emmett calls him Bill. We went to Mike's dad's house this weekend, and I got freaked out at his church -- again realizing that I was never really at a "mainstream" church. We went to the bar up the street on Saturday and I got pretty drunk, but had a great time. We finished the gigantic festival book project -- I think it turned out well.

Mike is creeping down the steps. Today Lauren watches Emmett. I should get things ready for her to come.