For me, stress is

a major factor in getting things done. I use stress positvely and put extreme pressure on myself to get massive amounts done in a short amount of time. I like stress because in it, I produce.

So mentally, I enjoy it. But physically, I suffer. Stress causes a serious problem for me in my stomach, on my back, and with panic attacks. And it's strange because I (literally) don't even know it's happening. I don't realize that I'm struggling until I begin to experience physical signs.

Since last night, my stomach has been hurting. Mike prayed for me this morning and I do feel better. I don't feel stressed out exactly. I know there's a lot to do but this pressure is in my usual process. But usually, after an anxiety-ridden situation is over, I have a panic attack (trouble breathing, fast heart pumping). And, the skin on my back gets very pimply.

And I don't really get it. Stress is something I need. I feel like (for the most part) I can handle it. I don't know how I would live a stress free life.

I'm really thinking about this. Is it healthy or not? Physically, you look at this and think, no. But mentally, it is. I'm starting to think that sometimes physical health and emotional health can be in conflict with one another. I firmly believe that stress (like the kind I have right now) is emotionally and mentally healthy. I actually enjoy it. But physically, my body can't take the influx of whatever chemicals I use to get me through it.

It's the Christening. That's what this is all about. And also, that I did a 50 page Powerpoint in 15 hours for a 1 day deadline.

There's a really good side

to now and the way I am. I was thinking about this need for instant gratification I have -- something I mentioned yesterday in the word "spontaneity" and I was thinking about it last night as I was searching around the Internet.

For all my complaining about boundaries and not being able to do what I want to do spontaneously and instantly, here's a really good thing about now: The Internet. When the kids went to bed last night, I was looking around the Internet at anything I thought of. I looked for shoe pads for Colin, then I read about this story about a pilot and his girlfriend getting "caught" in the woods, then I followed up on the story about the Austrian that kept his daughter captive for 24 years, then I checked myspace, then I looked up a word in the dictionary...on and on it went and I realized that on the Internet, me as a "wife" and a "mother" offers no boundaries with where I can go or what I can do. I should shut up and count my blessings. I have a whole playground here with no restriction.

Yesterday was fun. Emmett, Mike, Ethan and I spent time outside in the front yard taking care of our tree. I played the Polyphonic Spree (much to the despair of my punk rock neighbors) and Emmett and I were dressed exactly alike (skeleton shirt with camo pants and I was wearing a camo shirt). Then, Phineas drove by and he came over and played. Mike and I cleaned up and we had a BBQ with Colin, Jess and Phil. It was awesome. The whole day. I totally enjoyed it and slowly but surely, my sadness about not being at the shore went away.

Other Things Going On:

1. The Christening - This Sunday. It's a big deal. About 70 people are coming. My friend R* is making the cake. We're having a bar. There's lots of good food, drinks -- everything. It's a bigger celebration than Emmett's and that's because this is a completely cathartic event for me. All my worry about Ethan's health...9 months of depression...all of it is in this celebration. My son is healthy. He's okay. He's normal. And this is (secretly) also a celebration of this.

2. Living Room Clothing - Our first order of t-shirts (1,000 pcs.) are sized wrong. This is extremely depressing for us. But, I'm just going to keep going. We have a photoshoot with Carina and I am in love with her photos. We've scheduled this for July. The business plan is almost done. The design side is going forward (we met with Josh). I have forms ready. I understand my audiences. It's all coming together.

3. Current Client - Ask me about this

4. New Client - I had an interview with a new client. It went well, but they asked me to come down on my rate. I thought about it and decided I would do it because it's 10-20 hours a week, steady work. Then, they asked me to write a spec. Keep in mind, at this stage of the game I have some pride. I said no.

5. DE Trip - We went on a trip to Delaware to a flea market and to check out a bizzare restaurant boat. It was like this boat in the middle of a parking lot, sort of delapidated and abandoned. My friend is thinking about buying it. While we were there, a truck pulled up and inside were two Mexican men. I asked them if they were thinking about buying the boat and they looked at me like I was crazy. They said they were waiting for it to open. I saw them later there still and we all knew there was something really fishy going on. The trip was fun. It turned into an all day event and I got to see my old friend Butch, which was awesome. I really miss going on road trips.

And now, a story.
The other day, I took Emmett and his friend Z* to South STreet to get free ice cream (Haggen Daaz was having a special) and the four of us (Ethan, Emmett, Z* and I) trecked down there on the bus. We got off the bus and this friendly looking black lady was pacing, singing praises to God like "Halleluigh" with her ear phones on. She was just kind of standing on the corner, I guess, waiting for a different bus. She said hello to us and I said hi. And she was saying how cute the kids were etc. Then she started saying over and over again "Just don't give up. Just don't give up" and she looked at me and said "Don't give up" and then said: "Do you like wheat bread?" and I said "Yes" and she said "I have this loaf of really thick,nice wheat bread. Would you like to have it?" and I said "Sure. You don't want it anymore"? and she said "No, I just feel like I should give it to you. God is giving it to you". And she gave me the bread and said "Just don't give up" and walked to the wall and put her head down, as if the lights on the stage dimmed her out of view. Like she was an angel that disapeared, but she didn't disappear. She was standing against the wall with her head down. And so, I called Mike and told him and said "What's going to happen that these words "Don't give up" are going to come into play. Of course I believe in these things. Of course I believe in that message. And less than a week later, I found myself leaning on her and leaning on those words. Because even though I wrote about it briefly above, having a thousand t-shirts in the wrong sizes is devestating to me and caused some serious sadness. But I kept thinking about the lady with the bread and that's what has gotten me through it.

I'm sort of depressed today.

Spring brings out passion in me and I can't satisfy it. I love spontaneity, getting into a project on a whim, going somewhere for no reason...i love everything about spring in terms of something new. All of my emotions are at their highest mark. All of my excitement is at a peak. I love life in the spring more than any other time, and it's in a fairy tale kind of way. And being a wife and mother is in direct conflict with what I want to feel and what I want to do.

I endlessly cry on about this, but I am a serious dreamer. Being in a role that's defined by it's boundaries directly conflicts with this nature. I am euphoric when I'm driving alone in the car with the music turned up very loud on my way to something without my family.

I don't think I'll ever be able to resolve this, but for the record, I'm doing my best. It never occurred to me that I wouldn't fit seamlessly into these positions. There's a book somewhere by Sylvia Plath that I remember reading when I was younger and I thought she was horrible, but I understand it all now. I was born free spirited and even though I want boundaries, too many of them make me feel like running. Okay, I'm writing this, but of course everyone knows that more than myself I love my family so it would never happen. I'm just saying I get it.

I wish so much, and I mean this, that I was a normal mother and wife. And if my children ever read this, I'm trying my hardest. I love you both more than anything in the world. I want more than anything for the two of you to be happy, well-adjusted and to love life. I am doing my best. I'm trying my best.

I give myself these little presents

that aren't like real presents, but I think of them as presents. Like, changing the razor after a shower or taping a note to the door or ironing something well in advance of an event. I realize when I do things ahead, they are like presents to my future self. And I find myself doing these things when I think I'm worthy.

Self-love is a weird thing. You're supposed to love yourself, but socially, you're not allowed to do this. You have to put yourself down. You can't be proud of your achievements. You're supposed to submit the proper amount of censorship when it comes to anything you think may make another person jealous.

This is extremely hard for me. I don't feel anyone should be jealous of anything about me ever so if something great happens for me, I want to tell everyone because I'm so excited and so proud. The assumption of jealousy feels condescending to me. I don't want to worry about it.

When you are truly non-competitive and really think another person is great, you're never bragging. You're speaking to them as an equal. The people you censor yourself to are the people you handle with kid gloves because you feel like "they're not doing as well. This could upset them".

In my situation, there is pretty much no one I'm close to that I don't think is "doing as well" as me. My achievements and excitements are paralleled to theirs, sometimes in a different way, but I always think they're parallel. I wish society could shake this comparison thing and that everyone would realize that they can do what they want to do -- it just takes work. No one is better. When people are healthy and do things to their maximum potential, everyone is equal.

I'm thinking about this because I'm thinking about these presents I give to myself. I do it because I'm trying to make myself happy in the future. And sometimes something as simple as an outfit laid out the night before does just that. And is it all rooted in self-love? I think it is. But going forward with that thought, I do love parts of myself immensely. I wouldn't want to be someone else. BUT, there are things I don't like about myself. And that's why these little gifts are not daily.

My dear, darling

Emmett. Two beautiful things happened yesterday that I never want to forget.

Story Number 1. Emmett my little light.

Emmett's preschool teacher, Ms. Tannie, came up to me after school and said "Elisabeth, I want to tell you what happened with Emmett today. He came up to me and said Ms. Tannie, I don't know what to do. My friend Phineas doesn't believe in Jesus and when I told him about Jesus, he said that Jesus was silly". Ms. Tannie said "Emmett, you've done your part. In the Bible it says to tell people about Jesus and you did that. Now what you can do for Phineas is just pray".

The backstory to this is that I heard the whole conversation. Emmett and Phineas were behind the couch and I crouched down so they wouldn't see me. Here's the real conversation:

E- "Phineas, I wish you would believe in Jesus and I pray for you that you will."

P- "I don't believe in that. I think it is just silly".

E- "NO Phineas. It's not silly. Jesus loves you very much and you will go to Heaven if you believe in Him".

P-"Well i don't know. I think Jesus is kind of silly".

E-"NO Phineas,He's not. He's not silly at all. And maybe when you grow up you will believe in Him and I will keep praying for you".

(silence)

P-"Okay Emmett. But can we play now"?

E-"Okay".

And they started playing without any problem at all.

My darling, sweet little boy. His gentleness and conviction is something I am awed by. I adore Emmett. And he is a strong, strong Christian. I remember the day he told me that he was.

Story Number 2. Emmett my little defender.

Emmett and his friend were here and I play this game with them. I tell them they LOVE something (that they'd otherwise be indifferent to) and they tell me they hate it. Usually, it's about my dress. I'll say "You love my dress" and they'll say "We hate your dress!" and I say "You love my dress so much you want to marry it" and they'll say "No, We hate your dress so much!" and it will go on and on, with me "misunderstanding" them.

Well, yesterday I decided to switch it up to my singing voice. I started singing very loudly in bad opera style saying "You love my voice" and they said "No! We hate your voice". And I sang louder and said "You love my voice so much you wish you could take a picture of it and hang it on your wall" and they said "No! No! We can't stand your voice". It went on for about two minutes and Emmett's friend whispered something to Emmett and told him to tell me what it was.

Emmett said "We don't love your voice and we are making fun of you".

Now let me interject here, that I am keenly aware that Emmett and his friend are the cool kids at school and, for a brief second, I felt ganged up on and like how a picked-on kid might feel. But it lasted about 1 second. There was a second though that I did feel that way.

Emmett's friend yelled "We don't love your voice" and Ethan got scared because of the loud sound. I said "Okay guys. I think Ethan's getting upset" but just as I said that, Ethan started smiling. So I said "Well, I guess he's not upset" and Emmett said "Mommy, I'm upset" and his eyes were full of tears.

I said "Okay Emmett, come into the living room and let's talk. And he followed me in and I said. "Are you upset because you were making fun of my voice"? and my baby, my sweet little boy full of tears said "Yes. I don't want to make fun of you". I hugged him, fighting back my own tears and said "Emmett, what you are saying feels good to my heart". We went back to the kitchen and his friend said "Emmett, what happened? Why were you crying?" and Emmett said "Because I don't want to make fun of my mommy" and his friend said "I don't like that game either".

I had the best mother's day!

At about 10am yesterday and Mike and Emmett went into the basement for about 15 minutes and came up. Emmett ran over to me with a little bouquet of daisies and baby's breath. And behind him was Mike holding a big bouquet of daisies and orange Gerber daisies. And Emmett said "Here Mommy. Look. Here are some presents". And Emmett helped to wrap all his presents for me. A glass magnet, a beautiful little bag, a hair band and a bar of soap. And he made me a beautiful little card that said "I love you". Later, we went through all the presents. He unwrapped them from the plastic and had me put them out, telling me the benefits of each.

Mike gave me 2 boxes and told me to pick one. Both had beautiful, beautiful Anthropolgie clothes. The first box had a brown tank top with an earthy, 70's style color rainbow around the shoulders and a super cool red skirt that's not too old or too young. The second box had a beautiful, beautiful red and cream Lithe dress. I love them both.

We got ready and I asked if they would all be willing to wear the same shirt as me and Mike (reluctantly) said okay, and we went to lunch at a cafe having a special Mother's Day luncheon. It was wonderful. On the table was a caraffe of coffee and fresh squeezed orange juice. I got an omelette with spinach and goatcheese a mixed greens salad and desert.

It was a total blessing for me. I've written this before and I'll write it again. Mother's Day means more to me than my birthday and this has been the best ever. I feel totally blessed and loved.

I wonder how much it would change me

if I went back into the corporate world. I got a call today from a headhunter asking me for my salary requirements. Then I got an email from a company looking to hire a copywriter. It's been 7 years since I worked full-time at a company. The last one I worked at was Comcast.

The main reason I left Comcast and never went back, was because I didn't like the person I was becoming. I was extremely caught up in my career and loved being part of a city landscape during lunch. I loved being all obsessed with nice restaurants, happy hours, and (physically) walking in a corporate way. I loved shopping at Banana Republic daily. I loved paying full price for things, and not even caring. If I wanted anything, I just bought it.

But, I didn't love the loss of creativity. Comcast had all of me and all of my creativity. I became safe in my tastes to the point that I wanted our Christmas tree to look like the one in Macy's.

Despite myself, I became aware of a certain superiority I felt and decided that I had to stop myself. All this in addition to an amount of stress that caused me to have sweaty palms at all times and created conversation with Mike that related only to work. So, when we moved to LA, I decided not to look back and to be freelance exclusively.

It was a good decision, because by the time we had Emmett, there was no "decision" to make. Although, ironically enough, when I first got pregnant (before you could tell), I decided to apply for a job, which I got, and it was hard to say no to it because it paid well. But I had no choice. We were moving back to Philly to have our baby.

I'm rambling on here, because all day yesterday I was thinking about going back into the working world and my heart started pounding and I felt so excited and thought, we could be okay financially again...and I miss getting dressed that way...and I miss walking to work...and I miss writing for good companies. I miss it all. I'm really, really good at being corporate, and I miss it.

So I stopped last night and examined myself, I realized that it would all happen again. I would be so caught up in it. I would be so into it. I would love it and hate it. My world would be that. Despite it, I'm buyable. At a certain salary, I would do it, even though it's all true. I think some lessons you just have to re-learn a few times.

My latest design

I'm posting these because it's showing my Indesign progress and I want to be able to look back on it. There are details that will change on these, but it's the basic idea.
Next class...Web Design 1.