The panic is slowing down

in time for tonight, when we haul up to Mike's dad's house. We've been working almost non-stop on promotional materials for my dad's store. It's finally coming to an end. His opening party is Dec. 2. I started this on Sunday and by Thursday, 2,500 people in Venice are going to have postcards and about 50 papers are going to have press releases.

This is a result of my family and of my very special friend Jessica who saved me from the agony of a press release I couldn't write. I want to highlight her press release (with tiny little family edits). She did this in no time. I agonized over this for 2 days. I am way too close.

Mike's postcard is beautiful. Ana, my mom and Josh have done amazing reasearch. Check the website on Monday for updates. I think this is going to work.

open water

is a disturbing and upsetting movie. I saw it last night. Phil said it was a scary movie. I found it utterly depressing.

I was with him when he bought the movie, and the guy at Tower was like, "Dude. You liked that movie? I thought that thing was so boring". That guy can't see the ultimate creepiness of something real...and something based on a true story.

The movie made an impact on me, similar to The Vanishing and Happiness. I wish I could forget it, but I probably never will.

The only good thing that came from watching it was a renewed love for Mike. Imagining myself in that situation and knowing exactly how Mike would act, reminded me of one of the main reasons I married him: stability. And during one of the parts I couldn't stand (when I ran off to the kitchen), and I just kept having this vision of Mike as a rock. I realized how much he actually takes care of me, and that without him, I would be a mess.

Unfortunately, the main thought the movie left me with was death. After the movie I told Phil that I was petrified to die.(I will not detail the conversation here in case anyone reading this wants to see this film). He told me he didn't have a problem with death. He just thought it would be like going to sleep.

Avondale & 700 Club

WE ARE going out Avondale today for what feels like a strange event. The woman that is opening a cafe in the area that we were going to is going to check out our stuff to possibly buy it. This is weird, but Im okay with it. She's going to follow us out there.

Yesterday's post didn't do justice to my Saturday night. As I posted, there were 3 parties in the past few days: Emmett's, Jessica's and Phil & Avery's. I should take some time to go into what was a significent Saturday night.

The 700 Club & Jessica's Birthday: Saturday night we celebrated a long awaited birthday for Jessica. We decided we wanted to go out dancing to what (has always been) one of my favorite bars in Philadelphia -- The 700 Club. In fact, in 1999, I wrote a very early online review for travelers (for free) because I loved the place so much. It's located a few doors down from where one of my old boyfriends used to live.

So, Saturday night, I got all ready in a glow in the dark skeleton t-shirt, a black skirt and sneakers and was gearing up to dance. We carpooled there and there were a bunch of us (maybe 20) that were all dancing around having fun. Seph was the first person on the dancefloor and set the stage for unabashed dancing and not caring what people thought. And eventually, we all got out there and were dancing around having a great time. Even Mike. Even Colin.
So Jessica and I, in our scheming little way, desperately wanted to change the music away from rap and hip hop. We decided we'd make two separate requests to help facilitate this. So she went up to the sort of (oddly) hippie-style, BO sporting overweight DJ and asked him to play something by the Violent Femmes (a perfect choice and something mostly everyone knows). He literally flicked her off his shoulder and said something like maybe. Then I requested "Supersonic", which I felt he might play because it's sort of rappy. I requested this because of the name and nature of the event (here's the evite): http://www.evite.com/pages/invite/viewInvite.jsp?event=SKEPJKFJRRGDCWZCJULP&showArchive=true

He said he didn't think he had it, but he'd play something of 80's rap. So on it went, and eventually I got sick of fake dancing. Let's face it. The dance for women to that kind of music is this sexy kind of grinding and I really didn't want to do that. I wanted to use energy.

So, I went outside and while I was pushing my way through I heard this guy (maybe say to his girlfriend) "See that girl. I'm not going to let her through". Because the music was getting on my nerves, I shoved him and pushed through. But then I realized he probably didn't even say that. That that's what I thought he would say and that I am very hard of hearing. But I didn't feel bad becaue I was (unbeknowst to me) hormonal due to "that time". I went back upstairs and had fun again for a little while, but the DJ's BO (I want it to be his) was getting on my nerves and the fact that we made up a large contingency of the dancing and he wasn't playing music for us. Or if he did, I didn't "feel" it.

Now the majority of this post is negative, but the truth is, I had a great time. I am focusing on the more interesting part which is my negative feelings for the sake of this post. On the upside, Jessica and I were pretending to be mimes briefly, I got to play pattycake, I did figure out how to dance to that music and everyone was having fun.

For her birthday, I found what I believe is the coolest TM I could find. It took awhile, but this is what she wanted me to give her and I wanted it to be better than a typical one. I'm going to show you the coolest TM (which I found out was also created by a Greek). Jessica, if you're reading this don't click the following link: http://www.brugomug.com/

Last thoughts. Everyone is having problems right now. I realize I'm becoming less confrontational as I get older and have more of a desire to avoid problems and run. I'm becoming more superficial and just want everyone to be happy. I never thought I'd become like this but I am.

It waS a period

of depression that lasted exactly one day. The bitter side of me relishes in this kind of extreme sadness and I allow myself to feel things all the way through and to let emotions build on emotions so that I feel the most I'm able to feel.

But thinking about it more, I realize again that when I stop being busy for even a minute, my worst enemy is contentment. That is more equal to depression than anything else. My life isn't content, but I can't stand the normalicy of life. Of nothing changing or happening.

That last post originated from a fight Mike and I had about me doing too many things and me realizing that I need to do so many things to stay sane. I've written about this before, but I believe that on the underside of humanity is a nagging realization that we're all going to die, and for me, it's a juggling act to avoid that reality.

Being a mother is very complicated for me. Actually, doing anything I'm "supposed' to do is more difficult for me than doing something I don't think I actually can do. I don't know if it's some kind of latent rebellion left over from my youth (or engrained in my thinking), but doing things normally is something I resent and resist. With mothering, this becomes more complicated because when I do rebel against the norms, I feel worried (because I don't know what I'm doing). I get lazy with Emmett because I just want to do what I want to do, and I'm not willing to give myself up to mothering -- something my mom did and the thing that (possibly) destroyed her happiness.

As for the concept of medication, although it's something I've considered in the past, I know my level of emotional moodiness and mostly, it stays in my head. From the outside I usually look like a silly, happy person that loves everyone and everything. I don't have conflict (except sometimes with Mike). Emmett rarely sees any of my sadness. All that to say, I don't think I'm bad enough to justify what I'd have to give up, which is the euphoric opposite to that sadness. In some ways, I feel my entire personality (overly happy, overly eager, overly excited, overly sensitive) hinges on my ability to feel things more than other people. And I get these One Flew Over A Cuckoos Nest visions.

Actual Stuff That's Happening

Emmett's Birthday: I poured my heart into a Thomas the Train birthday party for Emmett. I've been planning it for weeks and tried to make it a kid's only party with no parents. (Although there were a few parents). I bought all this Thomas stuff and instruments and thank God it was a beautiful day. Mike played a guitar and they all played along. We played a game with prizes. We had a parade. And, they played in the sandbox. All the kids had their own cape with their name on it.

Jessica's Birthday: We went out to the 700 Club Saturday night to celebrate Jessica's birthday. I got really into dancing with my glow-in-the-dark skeleton t-shirt, but after about an hour, I got really irritated with the all rap and hip hop music. I got irritated and left.

Phil & Avery's Birthday:

Last night, we celebrated Phil & Avery's birthday. I made fish for us and Phil and a cake. Ana brought beer. It was fun. Emmett picked out this monster poster for Phil that said "Keep Out" at the top. I wanted to give Phil art supplies from Emmett, but to no avail. Emmett was insistent that that was the present he wanted to get for Phil.

getting worse

every single second. Emmett wants to go to playgroup. I wont take him. Emmett wants to go to the park. I won't take him. Emmett wants to talk to me. I'm just snappy. I talked to my dad about going and staying with them tonight, they welcomed me and told me to come, but I"m looking around at the big mess and Emmett in his pajamas and thinking about a flea market meeting i need to cancel at 12:30 and the sign I spent so long on and never hung up, and I don't want to do anything but crawl into bed and never get out. I wish Emmett would stop talking and be tired. I hate myself right now. I am so deeply depressed. This isn't a call out for help or support. i feel alone but not because i am. My own problems bore me. I mask my whole life with activity to avoid these moments, and now Mike is complaining about my mask - the thing I need to make it through. i wish that I was nothing right now. It's rare that I go this low, but today i am here and wishing for nothing more than sleep and nonexistance.

i feel pathetic

I am on the verge of tears, and it's been going on since yesterday. I feel a weighty depression that's leading me to be irritated with Emmett and to want to separate from Mike.

I feel pathetic because I'm part of this flea market and I'm getting way too into it, making me realize how sad my life really is. I am caring way too much about this because there is not much passion left. I am dulled from my mothering job and am desperate for stimulation. It ends up, that I do all this free stuff for people and it makes me even more depressed. I'm tired of doing things for free.

Emmett has been less easy lately, and clearly it's because I've slacked on disciplining him. He is acting more spoiled than ever and as soon as I lay down the law he behaves. He needs my attention really bad and I have very little to give to him.

I can't stand this role anymore. I'm not cut out to be a mother. I'm not cut out to be a wife. Everything Emmett is doing right now is driving me crazy.