As I'm getting older, I'm coming

to these very strange yet "self realizations". They're happening to me every day in the past month. I go through this every few years about something. For awhile, it was clichés. I never realized that I didn't understand clichés until they really started to make sense to me, like lyrics of some deep and applicable song.

As meaningless as these "realizations" are, sometimes when I think of them and understand myself better, I actually get chills. (Not all of them. Just some). Anyway, here's a collection of my (often shallow) realizations that are consuming me lately.

1. I only like peanut butter and jelly sandwhiches when the peanut butter and jelly are spread to the very end of the bread.

2. I do everything in a hard way. Even drinking water. I gulp very hard.

3. I can't stand high ceilings with hardwood floors. I like my environment to be cozy and minimal in design. This is because I feel overstimulated by life and want to feel peaceful where I live.

4. I don't think Woody Allen is funny. Hannah and her Sisters is an entertaining movie but I didn't laugh out loud...once.

5. I have this weird resistance to putting food away. I will do everything else (clean the kitchen etc.) but I don't want to actually condense and put the food away.

6. In the same way, I resist actually sweeping the dirt into the dustpan and there are often little piles of dirt in the kitchen.

7. I like "Women's Literature". I never thought I'd be one of those people, but I am.

8. For music, I like songs with repetition.

9. I never liked the Muppets as a child. And even now, I still don't.

10. There's something about eggs that makes me feel physically sick. Especially sunny side up or overeasy eggs.

11. If I ever talk out loud to myself, I am recounting something I'm worried about either saying "Maybe I did handle that wrong"or "Why aren't you coming over" (as if to the person). This very disturbing quality happens in the morning when I'm groggy.

12. I enjoy "getting work" like a drug rush. When I get hired for something I feel like I've caught a fish. Getting paid and doing the work is not nearly as exciting. In fact, as soon as I get work, I feel an immediate rush that goes away in about 5 seconds. It's like drugs.

13. Copywriting is like math to me -- specifically, it's like a proof.

14. Being "emotional" is a choice for me. I can let myself go or I can hold it in. I feel this side of me is almost more male than female.

15. When I give to people, they are grateful but resentful (this is a brand new one). People don't actually like people that help them or give to them. It makes for an immediate target if anything goes wrong.

16. I dream about strange behavior in people I know or think I know often. My dreams are never that creative. I.E. Last night, I drempt my cousin J held me up at gunpoint.

17. I get amazing ideas for paintings right before I'm about to fall asleep and from the window of a plane.

18. I have no pickiness when it comes to TV viewing and will watch anything except for sitcoms (which offer no satisfaction for me). I realized I particularly like shows where their trying to find a killer (Law & Order is my favorite) or teenage kind of shows (Evergreen is a really good show). But honestly, anything that's not non-fiction will do.

19. I don't really have to drive anymore because Mike always drives and I don't absorb location because of it. I never know how to get anywhere because I tune out.

20. This is weird. Every OTHER day I'm productive. The following day, I do nothing. It's very weird.

Which ones did you get wrong on the quiz?

Shoot

Faiths & Chris answers are wrong.
The right answer for Faiths is A
The right answer for Chris' is A

Fill those in since I can't figure out how to edit this.

A Quiz About My Friends

Here's a quiz about what I think you would do in specific situations. The goal is to figure out what I think each person would do. (It doesn't mean that's what they would do). It's just about figuring out what my impression of each person is. Here's the quiz. It mentions Mike, Jessica, Colin, Wayne, Stace, Faith, Hunter, Chris and Ana. The first one is about me.Take my Quiz! and then Check out the Scoreboard!

So, I'm sorry

that I've been negative and not available. Things are drastically improving. Our house is getting into order. We have a plan on what we're doing. Most importantly, I have a closet.

Thank you to everyone who called me and cares so much. And thank you to C & J for watching Emmett Sunday. You have no idea of how much we got done.

For the next month, I'm going into recluse mode to try to get things done. I'm sorry to all my friends, but I'm going to be in most of the time. I really need to get fully unpacked and organized.

We're having an open house/housewarming party on New Years Day (after the Mummer's Parade) from like 3-8 or something like that. So, you know well in advance. It's an open invitation for anyone to stop by...

That is my friend right now.

images
Originally uploaded by sabbeth.

This has been a bad day. I am a very impatient person and am having a hard time living in transition for this long. There is no room in our house that's fully functional. I am a sad case of an American materialist and I admit it. And if you're reading Avery, I know that there are people out there that have nothing, but this is my struggle and my blog, and this is real life. I'm just honest.

It was when I was sitting in the bathroom on the closed toilet, with Emmett on my lap, blood smeared on his split lip that I had it. A pile of laundry fell on my head, and I started throwing each piece one by one and saying fu8k over and over again, with each throw. I put Emmet in his crib and went back to finish the job.

The house is a total mess. The rug got a new stain on it today. I have several meetings next week and a project due the 12th. Emmett's birthday is coming up and everyone is coming to see the house. And they'll all have a lot of criticizing to do I'm sure.

So I'm self medicating with a beer, drinking only for the hopeful "edge off" that it will give me. I'm hoping that how I will feel is like I don't care and that when Emmett wakes up, I'll just want to play with him and not even notice the markers and the bloks and the holes in the ceiling and the ugly carpet, wallpaper etc.

Here's honesty. Here's what I want. I want to live in an upper middle class home. I just want to not work. I want to go out to dinner and not be thinking about what it costs. I want to have a babysitter that we hire every weekend without calculating the true cost of the night out. I want to be feminine and buy a pair of shoes that specifically match an outfit. I want to get pedicures and my hair cut regularly. I want to be more of a girl than my life has ever allowed.

It's shallow and stupid and above the standards I've set for myself, but it's the truth. I know I'm "lucky" and I should count my blessings, and often I do. But we live in a different kind of society. So my true dream is this. To make a ton of money doing something, start a business that does something to help people (i.e. Living Wage) and then live in an upper middle class home.

Sorry Adbusters, Mother Jones and social organizations and big talking democrats. It's just the truth.