That is my friend right now.

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Originally uploaded by sabbeth.

This has been a bad day. I am a very impatient person and am having a hard time living in transition for this long. There is no room in our house that's fully functional. I am a sad case of an American materialist and I admit it. And if you're reading Avery, I know that there are people out there that have nothing, but this is my struggle and my blog, and this is real life. I'm just honest.

It was when I was sitting in the bathroom on the closed toilet, with Emmett on my lap, blood smeared on his split lip that I had it. A pile of laundry fell on my head, and I started throwing each piece one by one and saying fu8k over and over again, with each throw. I put Emmet in his crib and went back to finish the job.

The house is a total mess. The rug got a new stain on it today. I have several meetings next week and a project due the 12th. Emmett's birthday is coming up and everyone is coming to see the house. And they'll all have a lot of criticizing to do I'm sure.

So I'm self medicating with a beer, drinking only for the hopeful "edge off" that it will give me. I'm hoping that how I will feel is like I don't care and that when Emmett wakes up, I'll just want to play with him and not even notice the markers and the bloks and the holes in the ceiling and the ugly carpet, wallpaper etc.

Here's honesty. Here's what I want. I want to live in an upper middle class home. I just want to not work. I want to go out to dinner and not be thinking about what it costs. I want to have a babysitter that we hire every weekend without calculating the true cost of the night out. I want to be feminine and buy a pair of shoes that specifically match an outfit. I want to get pedicures and my hair cut regularly. I want to be more of a girl than my life has ever allowed.

It's shallow and stupid and above the standards I've set for myself, but it's the truth. I know I'm "lucky" and I should count my blessings, and often I do. But we live in a different kind of society. So my true dream is this. To make a ton of money doing something, start a business that does something to help people (i.e. Living Wage) and then live in an upper middle class home.

Sorry Adbusters, Mother Jones and social organizations and big talking democrats. It's just the truth.