I get caught up in my

strange thoughts. I cherish the strange things I think of, feeling like they're so important and so defining of who I am. I always think I should post them here, but I forget them so easily. They're thoughts of inventions, philosophies, etc. etc. And this morning I was thinking about which strange thought I should put in here, and realized that a) they won't fascinate anyone but me and b) that I can never remember them.

Then I thought about the fact that, like precious moments with Emmett, althought I feel every single one is so important, some things are just to be enjoyed for the moment. To try to write them down, although I would appreciate them later, is simply too hard and is giving more momentum to what I was thinking than is actually there. In other words, when I think about these things -- they're flashes. If I write about them, it seems there's more weight than actually exists.

No, wait. This is all a gross untruth. I'm justifying myself here. I want this blog to be about these thoughts and I'm making excuses for a poor memory. The truth is, this blog isn't about the reader -- it's about me. It's like a diary that is almost totally uninhibited (I have minor restraints that are in odd ways freeing). I am frustrated that I can't remember anything and that my mind goes in these ADD like flashes. This is my favorite part of myself, and I can't seem to write it down.

Alright, let me try to force some memory. Here are some of my recent thoughts:

1. Human Life: Sometimes I wonder if we're all cells in an organisms body or if the world is something we don't think it is. Like I wonder if the ground is what we're doing here (planting and nourishing) and we're actually feeding something else.

2. Diner Invention: A call button for waitresses at every diner table. The table computer would have commands such as "Need straw" or "Ready to order" or "Need condiments" etc. and a patron could simply push the button they want and the waitress could come out with what they need. (I feel trapped inside of restaurants sometimes, waiting for the waitress...especially when I can see the thing I'm looking for at the server counter).

3. Gossip: When I get on a track of talking about someone behind their back, even if it's somewhat harmless, I know they're doing it about me too.

4. Aging: Being thin slows down this process visually.

5. Me As a Boss:I realize, I hate being the boss. I can't stand managing people on the front line. i don't like telling people what to do, but I am good at distribution of tasks. I used to not mind telling people what to do, but somehow this changed, and I can't seem to allow people (even that we're paying) to do their work professionally. I'm constantly blurring the lines.

6. Mike and I as Artists: In the "DIY" age, Mike and I are hiring people and creating an uncreative, modern house. I realized that this is because I can't even allow myself to think creatively, because I know there's no time to fulfil any of the projects I want to. As I said to JB last night, I believe arists that have their art as a core part of them can maintain this. I'm a jack-of-all-trades...master-of-none. This leaves me without the passion to use the little time I have to create.

7. Me, not being offended: Last night, my housemate told me that his x-wife called me bossy and for some reason this didn't offend me at all. I'm not sure why.

8. New Advertising Campaigns: For Trojan condoms, taking ground up shots of various water towers of different sizes with the word Trojan spraypainted on the top. I had another one that I can't think of. A political campaign focused on the politician saying he/she refuses to be a part of the slander, that their morality dictates a different campaign -- one based on respect etc. (I have this all worked out).

9. Sneakers: I do not like sneakers that are trimmed with a white sole. Mine are.

10. Benefits of not hearing well: I can't hear well, as everyone knows (to the point that I actually used closed captioning the other night because Emmett was sleeping and I couldn't hear the TV). There are few benefits to this except that I've sort of learned to read lips and that no one will ever have a problem hearing me. There are two other benefits: 1. I hear things incorrectly, particularly in music, and usually the lyrics I'm hearing are far more beautiful than what's actually being sung. 2) Outdoor sounds seem to make music for me -- like right now, a trash truck is beeping like a bass and there's this whirring sound of traffic that's like a guitar.

11. Sleep: I hate it and wish I didn't have to do it.

12. Theme Song Right Now: This Nada Surf song (I think it's called "Always Love" -- about Loving people instead of hating them. It's on my myspace page. Whenever I start to overanalyze something that someone said or did that brings me into a defensive mode, I think about that song and force myself to sing it outloud.

13. Offenses and The Human Condition: Everyone thinks critical, terrible thoughts all the time of other people. But they're tiny flashes and don't represent the majority of what the person is thinking. It's easily overcome by a positive interaction. I tend to dwell on this energy...if I perceive a negative thought, I make a big deal of it rather than letting it be what it is. Not serious.

14. My Strange Personality: I want to read a book on manners and responses. It would make life easier with people I don't really know.

15. The Benefit of the Doubt: This is my new mantra. Giving this to people around me.

16. Me hating psychology: I wish I didn't know what Fruedian Slips were. Life would be a lot easier. My existance pivots on diagnosing strange and awkward behavior. I forget so easily that the human condition is awkward and that interactions are filtered (and not often filtered well). The ability to socialize is difficult for mankind because there's a layer behind what we're hearing. Some of us try to see through that layer by mannerisms that we've learned about, and try to figure out what the person is "really thinking" rather than allowing them to give us what they want us to know.

17. Jewish People: I am convinced this is the strongest culture. I wish I were Jewish.

18. Beauty is not a waste: I value beauty, particularly in women. I don't think it's superficial or a waste. I think it adds to the human landscape. I think women should have higher standards for themselves...I think it's natural. But our culture doesn't allow for this because we're all way too busy.

19. Fear of Nature: More than being shot, I fear wilderness (wild animals, elements etc.) There would be nothing more scary to me than dropping me off in the middle of the safari by myself. I'm certain that I would be immediately killed.

In chronological order, those are my thoughts over a first cup of coffee. Some of them I sort of thought about before. Other ones are new. Emmett is ploping down the steps. I LOVE HIM!

Things I love.

Things I love in this world

1. Life
2. Emmett
3. Mike
4. Good Tweezers
5. Votivo Candles
6. Looking good
7. Laughing
8. Saying hi to people on the street
9. Snow
10. Smelling food outside of a house
11. Projects
12. When Emmett kisses me
13. Resolve
14. Compliments
15. A drastic improvement to an enviroment
16. Dancing by myself
17. Two songs by Nada Surf and Modest Mouse
18. Driving alone in the car and singing the Modest Mouse song very loudly
19. Going out
20. Watching a mainstream movie with housemates

Things I love about other people in my life,
that are not in my family:

Wayne: His witty, funny sense of humor. His sarcasm. His continuous smile, even when he's angry. His bluntness. His funny movements. His love for Avery. His sitcom-like entrances.

Phil: His tattoos. His smile when he thinks something is cute. His obsession with good music. His indifference to drama. His style. His sensitivity. His artwork. His honesty. Those few moments I catch him singing outloud.

Jessica: Her overanalysis. Her lack of wrinkles and lack of aging and how great she looks, even without makeup. Her ability to dance with me for 2 hours alone in the kitchen with the lights off. When she says "I know...I know" in a motherly kind of way. Her new house. Her strange ideas and dreamer quality.

Colin: His laughter. His ability to get into thinking with me. His socialization. That he will get into almost any analytic conversation, even stroking his chin. That he laughs at jokes, to support the person that made an unfunny joke. His loyality.

Avery: Her happiness and sadness. Her non-judgemental attitude. Her ability to go with it, even if it's odd. Her supportive laughter. Her thoughtfulness. Her dedication to her child.

Faith: Her bluntness. Her enduring and loyal friendship. Her retrospective thinking. Her dedication to God. Her sarcastic (and often unexpected) statements.

Hunter: His coolness. His extreme lifestyle choices. His unwavering opinions. His interest in Japanese culture. His honesty.

Seph: His ability to do things. His strange thinking. His warehouse. His humor.

Craig: His wit and his ability to make fun of me in a non-offensive way. His breakdancing.

I am so happy today.

Me. The Pub. Phil. Wayne. And a waitress I remember from Highschool.

I went out to the Pub with Wayne and Phil and had a great time. I went after Emmett was asleep, so he never knew I was gone. Mike had to do a project, so it was fine for me to go. But after drinking a lot and having wasted fun, I woke up this morning and realized I need to make a change. I need to get healthy, stop smoking and enjoy my reality more. I need to start building things with Mike and Emmett more, and shake this party girl thing I have going on. I hope I didn't embarass myself in front of the waitress (and mother) I remember from highschool. Wayne says I didn't (I'm banking on his words).

I need to get back in touch with God in a real way. Last night was awesome and fun, but I am not a person that needs to do it. I really enjoy living and being in reality.

I need to start working on and building my family (making family projects, organizing activities etc.).

So that's my plan. I'm not really into resolutions (I don't keep them), but my plan by the summer is to 1. Get healthier 2. Make family events 3. Make quality Emmett time. 4. Work on my relationship with God.

I feel a sense of

judgement, and I'm not sure why. I feel like the people around me are always judging my actions and movements by the mother/wife ideal. I make a public declaration right here that if that is happening, I will continually fail. I am messed-up in millions of ways and can't make any apologies for the things I do or the way I am. I acknowledge that Emmett and Mike deserve better than me. I am not hiding the fact that Mike is better than me and that I question whether my "good" traits overshadow my bad. I find it incredible that he stays with me despite my irradic and hot-tempered behavior. I find myself unable to fully give in to this role and wonder if moving to the suburbs, away from activity and from things I want to do, would be the right (and disciplined) thing for me. Rather than trying to pave my own way, I think I should probably follow what works. (Isolating yourself into marriage and family). I'm not looking for comments to say "no! don't!" or "you're not that bad"! These are things I'm questioning in myself.

As for feeling judged, this is an ongoing sense I feel and a lot of times I quarantine myself because I'm unable to meet up to the expectations I have on myself, which I believe become the expectations other people have of me. Mike is not in this category. I feel like no matter what I do, he's the one person that doesn't think less of me/find me annoying etc.

I feel a little revealed here, and fearful of the whole self-fufilling prophecy, but am aliviated nonetheless to write this down. I can't figure out what I'm doing.

I'm basically happy with my life-- just not always with myself.

The end of 2006 - A Review

Here's a brief overview of the events toward the end of 2006. This is for archival reasons and may not be interesting.

Christmas: I was halfway into the spirit this year. It's funny because Phil hates Christmas, but there he was with us, getting the tree.

I am making a promise to myself that I will not wake up in any other bed than my own on Christmas morning from now on. It's time to cut the parental ties and make this be about Emmett.

In short, some of my favorite gifts were: leg warmers (Audrey), awesome bra that's "Oprah's Choice" (Mike), best jeans ever (Mike), best sneakers ever (Audrey), Color book (Ana), pencils for crosswords (Emmett), Undercounter CD player (Mike's Mom), Money (my parents and my uncle). But year after year, Christmas is about giving and not receiving for me. In a nutshell, we went to Mike's Mom's house, slept over and had Christmas at her house. My parents came. I am prone to be irritable on Christmas day...I'm not sure why.

All in all, it was an okay Christmas. We gave Angela & Joe, Uncle Peter, Josh, Amy & Don-- Netflix. Most expensive pair of shoes ever (combined with others)-Audrey. Internet radio -- Dad. Kenny Mau earrings - Mom. New computer (combined with others)-Mike. Banjo, guitar, Playmobile, little cars & trucks-Emmett. And various to friends.

Christmas II - The Santa Claus thing: I was deprived of this, but sort of believed it anyway. I'm handing Santa Claus with Emmett like this: "Emmett, Santa Claus is a story that Mommy and Daddy don't believe. The story goes like this..."

New Years Eve: I loved my outfit on New Years Eve. After a day (earlier in the week) spent with Phil thriftshopping, I found a few skirts that I really loved -- one of which I wore. I spent about an hour getting ready and was heavy on the makeup. We went to a party in NJ that was fun, and left to go to another party which was okay but gigantic. Last year, the party spilled into the street. This year it didn't and got "busted" by the cops, leading me to feel that I was way too old to be at that party. We came home and Jessica and I busted into dancing, one song and one CD at a time, in the kitchen in the dark. Avery passed out on the floor. Mike, Wayne and Colin were having some deep intellectual discussion. But Jessica and I danced and danced until I couldn't find any more good songs (and until she wanted to go home). After everyone was gone, I called another friend that came and picked me up, and I stayed out overnight looking for parties, hanging inside, and laughing. On New Years day it rained. I got home at 5pm and we drove out to Avondale for dinner with my parents.

2007 Mom Friends: I went to Tunnels of Fun with Meredith and Owen and Emmett yesterday. I love her and I love her kid. There are a bunch of other new moms around open to connection in 2007. I need to make myself go out more with Emmett. I prefer to be out. It's just hard to get there.

My Dad's Lamps: Well, the postcard mailing was a disaster. Specifically, the US Post Office wouldn't deliver them! Almost all the postcards came back. I think the celebrities pay them off or something. The addresses were valid. They simply wouldn't deliver them. In the end, my dad's work is being taken by a woman down the street opening a Green store, with objects made of found and recycled items. I need to talk to Hunter about putting his computer earrings in there (Faith, if you're reading...mention to Hunter).

Copywriting: I realize, copywriting puts me in a bad mood. I love how much money I can make, but certain projects irritate me. I want to do advertising for myself.

Things to Do in 2007:
• I'm supposed to start a kid's band with my friend. We'll see if this happens. I'm open to it, but lately, projects that involve promotion seem a little overwhelming to me.
• Our business is supposed to be up and running this year
• I want the house to be more together. Specifically, new rugs (at least for upstairs), new paint and a fence or blocking.
• I want to take the following classes: Quark, InDesign, Cooking

Inventions:
I think of them everyday. I should make an inventions blog and just list them. It's ridiculous how many I think of.

Little updates about the people surrounding me:

Mike: Quit his job so we can work on the business. Since he did this, it seems non-stop graphic design work is coming in. Of course we have to take it because there's no regularity to freelance work. I'm okay with it. In fact, in some ways I'm proud of him.

Emmett: Emmett is an amazing, amazing child. There was a period of time that I wondered if he was blessed in a strange way. He's even tempered, and (for the most part) obedient. He's quiet and respectful. Last night, I told him he couldn't have his chompie before bed because his lip is swollen. He was crying for it and I kept going up to explain. At about 11:30, I heard him crying and went up. He told me that he found a chompie in his bed and gave it to me. I came back down and 5 minutes later he was crying for his chompie. The point is, he wouldn't take it until he had my permission.

Phil: Phil continues to be an incredible housemate and someone I admire. He's down-to-earth and rational, at the same time sensitive and honest. In some ways, Mike and I have decided that Phil is one of the most normal people we've ever met.

Wayne: Wayne is in and out in a dramatic relationship with his girlfriend Avery. I can't knock it because it seems passionate.

Jess & Colin: They moved and are still kind of MIA as they're getting it all together.
Faith & Hunter:I never see Hunter. Faith has a great blog.
Seph & Craig: These two make me laugh so hard when they're together.

Audrey: Her baby is due anytime. She's got 3 stores. She's successful, beautiful and has barely gained any weight during this pregnancy.

Ana:Ana is in LA helping Audrey and will probably move there for awhile. I miss Ana.

It's weird to realize

that's there's very little trace of all of these blog emotions in my day-to-day life.

There was a time that I was confrontational, emotional and tansparent. But something happened in this whole aging process and now I keep a lot of things to myself, minus this blog. My emotional ups and downs are mostly untracable. Something I'm happy with. I think this has to do with:
1. Emmett
2. Housemates

Thinking about all this and re-reading my blog every so often, I would like to state that it seems that when I write in here are the times I'm unhappy. But when I look at the sparcity of posts, I realize that although I seem insane with my emotions, most of the time I'm happy. Or at least happy enough that I don't need to talk about anything.

I feel like I heard God say

why are you betraying me. I was sitting in the living room this morning trying to figure out if I'm in a good mood or a bad mood and thinking about the fact that I wrote that I'm doubting the existance of God and this little tiny impression came over me, very gently, that said that.

Because I guess I'm not really doubting the existance of God. I'm more frustrated with the structure of my life and doubting God or not believing in God would give me the license to be selfish.

What was even more surprising is that I feel like God isn't angry at me.Because in that little interaction, I felt like God understood. Kind of like a father.

For the past few weeks I have felt far from God in this sewing wild oats kind of mood. I've felt rebellious about my life. I've been wanting freedom from all of this. I've felt tired of structure and have just wanted freedom. In these thoughts, I decided that God was probably furious with me and would probably let me die in an effort to save Mike and Emmett from the horror of who I am. I've always felt there's a complicated war going on. I keep writing more about this belief and deleting it because it sounds crazy and wrong.

I was born a freespirit and every few months, I desire to run. It's not something I would ever do, but it's a feeling that puts me in a bad mood and makes me irritable and depressed. As I'm thinking about it, I'm realizing that this quality (although leading to euphoria and passion) isn't necessarily best unmanned. If I talked to a therapist, they might tell me to "get in touch with and allow" myself to continue down these paths of thoughts and to consider what might be best for "the way I am". (i.e. leaving Mike etc.) But when I think about living with myself for 33 years, I realize that the times I've been the most together (and the happiest) are the times I've forced control on this freespiritedness -- and didn't notice it. That being free in a controlled environment is what works best. I'm a dreamer and reality never lives up to my dreams.

As a disclaimer, I need to write that Mike is not and has never been the problem. Mike is the best husband I could ever have, allowing me to do what I want with complete trust. There is no other man I've ever met that would allow me to be fully who I am -- in every way. He's flexible to my needs and wants and tries to let me go through things instead of taking it personally. Over the weekend I realized (and actually said to him) that he is the best husband for me because he gets me...he doesn't question my movements, and he lets me have as much freedom as is possible in a marriage. It's just hard to be married with a kid when you're a person that rebels against routine etc. etc. Why am I so messed up? TV mothers are infuriating to me right now. I hate them due to my own feelings of inadequacy.

I'm working all of this out and I don't believe a therapist can help me. It's just something I have to deal with every so often, recognizing that it's probably something that will always be there -- just something I need to *NOT* allow myself to feel so much. (Let the field of psychaitry sigh).

I'm trying to get through this.

Christmas destroyed the order I have in my life. I have a million returns, rebates and all this other stuff to do. Our house is way too small, and as a packrat and a deal finder, storing things is impossible.There are a million fun things to do and there's no time. And even when there is, I don't allow myself to do it because I feel too guilty about not spending time with Emmett.

But lately, I've been partying a lot to avoid all of this and I'm feeling very far away from God. I'm questioning his existance. I feel very suffocated in this role. I woke up Sunday morning not feeling like being a Mom. I woke up Saturday morning not feeling like being a wife.

So. That's a post. I wish I were posting in here more often. There's no time for anything. I'm becoming a recluse.