There are two sides

to every story. This is something I've learned as I've gotten older. Even the person that seems right has contributed something to the problem. It was hard for me to understand this for a really long time in my youth. Generally, I felt that I was totally right about everything -- not even accepting things I KNEW I'd done wrong -- even when I was called on them. One of my reactions to this realization, when dealing with someone I love, has become to take all the blame and to assume I'm wrong about everything. With Mike, when the regret of a fight hits home, I assume I've done everything wrong and that Mike has been right about everything. Even now, I'm thinking "Yep. That's usually how it is. I'm always wrong".

So why am I writing this? Without going into too much detail, Mike's family is very focused on siding. When there is a divide in the family, those involved are eager to find a safe side -- a supportive side. There is a victim thing that happens in that family, where one of the sides positions themselves as a victim. I've seen it over and over again over the years, and Mike and I (particularly me) are the most desired canidates for a "side". Mainly because we care and we'll talk about it and somehow we've won this "center of truth" connotation. My position has always been to remain neutral, but this is almost impossible in Mike's family.

Now, we're in a situation with Mike's family that involves siding. And by all appearances, it seems I've taken a side and am supporting the younger one positioned as a victim (In this unusual situation, both are positioned as victims). Unlike other situations in his family, I am more vulernerable here because we're dealing with a child. God help me. I'm so confused. I don't want to contribute problems. I just want peace.

I'm realizing I don't know how to stay neutral and talk about anything with anyone. Everyone is telling me how they feel (which is fine) but my reaction in conversations is to say "Yeah...I understand....uh huh". How do I not do that?

I guess the whole sleeping thing is ending.

It's 6:04 am. I woke up early this morning and early yesterday morning. I miss the days (like a month ago) when I was sleeping so late and so long.

I had really weird dreams last night. Something about an English guy, us -- living in England, a house, and sci-fi. Unlike other dreams, I can directly connect this to the movie "Arthur" we watched with Emmett last night. He got it at a bike race we took him to on Bastille Day in the Art Museum area. Last night, Mike took off the side of his crib so he has a big boy bed now. (He climbs out everyday. In fact, one day he gave me a demonstration of how he does it, and I videotaped it). Last night, when the bar was gone, Emmett told me he wanted the barwall back up because he was a little afraid of falling out of the bed. So we lined pillows on the floor just in case he fell out (which he hasn't). He also gave up his pacifier a month ago. I made him play the "why I like you game" yesterday. I would say "I like you Emmett because you're funny" and then he said "I like you Mommy because you're funny". It went on and on with him repeating the same things to me. Here are the things I said to him. I like you Emmett because...you're funny, you're smart, you're giving to others, you're cute. (then the game ended)

Also, I got these antique party invitations at a flea market. Most of them are cutesy with little girls on them. But one of them has this extremely cute little painting of a 60's style puppy holding flowers in it's mouth with script that says "You're Invited". When Emmett saw them, he told me he wanted them as the invitations for his birthday because he loves doggies so much. He hugged the invitations and said "I love them". (see invitations above)

Last weekend...Surprise Adventure Tour II

Over the weekend, we did our second Surprise Adventure Tour for Mike's 36th birthday. It was one of the best weekends of the summer. Everyone had fun, and we included a kid's option, so Emmett was able to come. We all bonded and had a completely awesome time.

Here's a portion of the email invite I sent:
THE “Choose Your Own Adventure” SURPRISE ADVENTURE TOUR
This year, we're doing a Surprise Adventure Tour for Mike's birthday, only we decided to give the option for being surprised. In case your new to this concept, Surprise Adventure Tours are “our take” on adult birthdays. Rather than doing something for Mike, we’re trying to make a memory with you. We give you the dates and times. We give you an approximate cost. We give you clues and tell you everything you need. You simply show up and we go. This years adventure involves the word “FUN” the word “RELAX” the word “INDEPENDENT” and the word “THRILL”.

Surprise Number One - Amusement Park
At about 10am, Mike, Phil, Chris, Anthony, Emmett and I made our way on a three hour journey to Knoebels -- a theme park out in the middle of nowhere PA that has no admission fee. It's like a place straight out of the sixties with old style paintings, wooden roller coasters, surprise parades, a dog show, and hundreds of rides. The place is well kept and stress fee, with affordable concession stands, lots of space to BBQ and picnic, and very clean grounds. We got to the motels around 1:00, dropped off our stuff, and went to the park. Emmett Chris and I hung out in the kid's section and everyone else did the adult rides.

Surprise Number Two - Rodeo
At about 7pm, we took off and went to a Rodeo about 50 minutes away. They had bull riding, a horse competition, and a horse doing "tricks". Chris and I both felt sort of disturbed by it all, but of course, we are not at all in touch with how those animals feel.

Surprise Number Three - Drinking at the motel
We went back to the Glosser Inn motel and Jessica and Colin met us there. I am very picky about motels, and this was a very lo-level. It was cheap and we had two adjoining rooms. They were both smoking, so I brought candles and aired it out for the day. It was okay when we got back, but it was no Best Western (my favorite hotel chain). I found out that Tammy Faye died and got pretty depressed. Emmett and I went to bed and everyone else went out to the surprisingly well stocked "motel bar" and drank to celebrate Mike's birthday. I was going through my own struggle with a bed that I couldn't sleep in. Literally, "my side" was sunken in. I got upset when Mike came back and realized once again that I hate non-chain hotels.

Surprise Number Four - Exploration in Edysburg
We got up the next day, checked out, and went to a weird flea market down the road. Phil saw a guy with his face blown off and another guy with several wooden limbs. I bought some antique party invitations, Phil bought some vintage lunch box thermases, and Mike got some sparklers. Emmett got a little remote control car (complete with a wire). We got lunch at a nearby restaurant, but it was really dinner. $10.99 for an all you can eat buffet. It was an insane amount of food and Emmett ate for free. At the end, they sang happy birthday to Mike and we all got ice cream.Back to Knoebles...we went for day 2 at the park. Chris played Laser Tag with Mike and Phil. Laser Tag for them turned out to be one of the highlights of the journey. None of them had ever played before. Emmett and I did more kids rides with the grand finale being a ride on the kid's roller coaster. Emmett was 1 inch too short, and when the guy told him he couldn't go on, his head sunk into Mike's shoulder and he was crying -- devestated. We took him on one more ride -- a big slide -- and that made everything okay. We got in the van and began our journey home.

Final Surprise - The City On Fire
The final tour involved a tour through Centralia a city that's been on fire (underground) since 1962. We walked around a little.

The Ride Home
We stopped at Turkey Hill and realized we'd eaten terribly the entire time. Anthony got in Jessica & Colin's car, and we stopped at the Cracker Barrel. I was craving a fresh salad. The ride back was actually one of the highlights for me full of laughter. And as of yesterday, all of us felt sort of hungover and tired.

I just have a few more minutes

of my morning Internet routine. Emmett has a few "engagements" this morning. he has more friends than I ever did growing up. Yesterday, he played with Shu for awhile and was supposed to play with Nate and also Chloe. But we both fell asleep for hours and Mike canceled them for us. Today, he's playing with Zack then Chloe then Owen.

Last night, Mike went to this women's wrestling thing with Phil and Seph and I decided that I would take Emmett out for a special night. We went to Johnny Rockets and colored. He wore the hat and got two red balloons. Then we rented the Land Before Time 13. Can you believe it? I asked if they had the original movie and they said no.

Things are just getting better all around and I feel like we're getting on top of all of this. I'm much happier with Mike and my life lately and my family is beginning to come first -- and it's enjoyable for me. I guess I just go in phases. Emmett is adorable and is in this "I love Mommy" stage which I wish would never end. Our business is on haiatus until we get samples, but everything is coming and we still get inquiries. I started going to Circle again and think I will continue. I also need to start going to St. George again somehow. A big part of me believes in the Orthodox faith. I am going to baptize this baby orthodox again.

Summer is wonderful. I don't want it to end. It makes me think of LA. It makes me think of NY. I'm so bored with Philadlephia, aside from the people. BUT, for Emmett's sake, this is the right place for us. Maybe when Mike and I are old, we'll get a tiny little apartment in New York city. That's what I've always wanted to do anyway.

Jessica asked me about the transition with Wayne and Phil moving out, and surprisingly it hasn't been as hard as I thought. I think it's in part because they live so close and I talk to Phil everyday. I don't talk to Wayne as much, but he's busy with his kid this summer. Phil is the one that was always here and the one I thought would be hardest to adjust to life without. But so far, everything is okay. This isn't to say I don't want to live in a gigantic commune someday, because I still do. But a commune meaning a community of people doing neat things. That's what I'm into.

Other things running through my mind are...is there a hair on my back that's making my shoulder blade itch? Emmett sure is sleeping a long time. The mean lady on our block is being really nice to me. I wonder how much weight I've gained outside of my belly. I can't wait until Mike and I are in business. I wonder how Jessica's trash initiative is going. I'm excited about the BBQ on Thursday. I wonder when Emmett will wake up.

I feel so grateful

for the friends I have. I'm sitting here thinking about how deep my relationships are. I'm thinking about the loyalty and the kindness...the care, concern and acceptance. I realize I am so, so lucky. I don't know how I've found such genuine people and how it's possible that they're around me. God is so good to me. I love you guys. I would write names here, but you all know who you are. Thank you. Thank you so much for loving me and for supporting me and listening to me, and for reading this blog even.

I'm an oddball. I'm crazy. I'm unstable. I'm emotionally sporatic. Somehow, none of you judge me for these things.

Here's some proof that

"friends with benefits" is a concept that doesn't work. A girl I really like came down on Friday to see this guy she sleeps with about once a month. They're just "friends" and have been friends for about 10 years. All along, he's said it's nothing more. But all along I've known (and several other people have known) that she is into him because it's obvious. I made warnings to this guy and told him he should back off or just recognize it. He didn't want to hear it or deal with it. If it was left unsaid, I think he felt not to blame.

The problem is, this is a really sweet, gentle and sensitive girl. She has problems, but I genuinely like her. This weekend, when she came down from NY, she told me she was getting into a real relationship with someone else and that it was hard for her to stop seeing this guy. So, she told the guy -- hoping to find something kind or loving in him. There was nothing. He said "Why are you acting like we have a relationship? Your emotions are way too strong for this situation."

I am friends with both of them, but much better friends with the guy. Somehow, I've gotten into the middle of this situation and I'm always "supporting" the ruins of this impossible arrangement. Last night, when she was at my house crying for three hours, I started getting really irritated with his lack of irresponsibility. I counseled her as much as I could, and when he came over later, I made him deal with it and made them talk.

There's a certain point that a person knows that another person is in love with them. To keep that person around -- ignoring their feelings just to get what you want "blamelessly" -- is just wrong. I started thinking about this guy and the fact that he has KNOWN this the whole time and thinking about how callous it is to let someone love you when you don't love them back. Whenever a guy has liked me -- particularly a friend -- I would immediately move away from the friendship so they wouldn't be hurt by me if I wasn't interested. I know today I'm going to have to talk about this more and somehow resist aligning against him with her.

Marriage really is better. Thank God I'm not in the dating scene.

Here's my list for today

Call:
• Wayne- Okay having Nate on 4th (done)
• M Card/B Republic
• Mom - Dianes
Clean:
• Bathrooms
Do:
• Charge old cell
• Fill out ticket info (done)
• Check for Ana
• Send Aunt Flo card
• Uncle Peter - Gift?
• Emmett Bath
• Grad Check - Jesse
• Genuardis Order

I would also like to address my last request for people to tell me who they are. The truth is, it's okay if you don't want to. I don't really care that much. I don't want to make anyone feel like they're not allowed to read this blog. I don't want it to be private, that's why I have it up here. And that's something I've been really thinking about lately. There is something in saying things honestly -- outloud, instead of pretending they're not happening. There's something about allowing people to see you as imperfect, instead of trying and pretending to be perfect.

Here's a funny story
(I've told this story about a million times).
When Phil and I began taking our class together, we sat next to each other (of course) in the computer room. It was set up in a square, and the desks went around the parameter of the room. On the first day, I was joking with Phil and writing his name in cursive with hearts and stars all over my computer screen (and laughing). But I realized that everyone in the class could see my computer screen. It looked like I was "in love" (in a very girlish way) with my boyfriend that I was taking the class with.

As you can imagine, there was nothing I could do about this besides erase it. I couldn't stand up and make an announcment to the class that Phil was just my housemate and that I was married with a kid. It turned out not to matter. There weren't really any pretty girls in the class...until we noticed the redhead. She was the only girl in the class with potential. I cut class one week and phil said he talked to her.

After one of our last classes, she warmed up to me and started a conversation. I was participating and so was Phil -- but I was barely participating. I was waiting, like a hunter, for an opportunity to clear Phil of any connection to me, very clearly pregnant at that point. And brilliantly, I figured it out!

Me: "So, where do you live"? I asked
Girl: "Oh, I live in West Philly. Where do you guys live?"
Me: "Oh, we're not boyfriend and girlfriend at all! This is just my housemate. I have a separate husband that's the father of my baby and everything"...
Phil: "Yeah. Not my baby".
(Pause)
Me: "But yeah, we live in South Philly".

Dear Everyone

It's all hanging out here on this blog. Some of it is obvious, because I write it straight out. Other parts I've coded for myself to understand. Pictures mean things to me. This blog is very odd. I don't want to take it down, yet I become self-conscious about how much I'm saying and who I'm saying it too. I mean, anyone can read my blog. I'm not going to be a dictator demanding you tell me who you are. But if you're a regular reader, would you mind telling me? You can email me or write your initials in the comments, and I'll figure it out.

Yesterday was another frustrating day for me. We had a BBQ for Wayne's birthday. Originally, it was because Wayne and Phil are moving out also, but I was convinced out of focusing on "the move" at the party. So it just became about Wayne. I'm getting sick of not drinking and not smoking.

I've been focused on one friendship circle for awhile now, and I think I need to undo some dependence I have on it. I think I need to focus more on the other friendship circle I'm in, even thought it's not as edgy. Somehow, in this preganancy, I'm drawn to things that scare me slightly. I'm drawn to things that push my beliefs. I'm drawn to things that create a feeling, whether good or bad...just that there's a feeling. I need to expand my friendship circle to include more Christians, more women and more sensitive people.

I go through this thing almost every day about moving. Sometimes it's into a commune. Sometimes it's far away from everything, with just Emmett and Mike. Sometimes it's moving away by myself, with just Emmett and not Mike. I'm continuously unsatisfied. I can't seem to get myself above water. I'm insatisable. I could cry at any second. Everything feels sad. And when it's not, I'm so SO happy because of the extreme relief. I go through a very low spot about two times a week.

I miss smoking. I've dipped back into it and have smoked about 1 cigarette a day for the past week. It's bad because I want more than that. I keep taking them from Phil and I think he knows. Today, I'm not going to take one.