Dear Everyone

It's all hanging out here on this blog. Some of it is obvious, because I write it straight out. Other parts I've coded for myself to understand. Pictures mean things to me. This blog is very odd. I don't want to take it down, yet I become self-conscious about how much I'm saying and who I'm saying it too. I mean, anyone can read my blog. I'm not going to be a dictator demanding you tell me who you are. But if you're a regular reader, would you mind telling me? You can email me or write your initials in the comments, and I'll figure it out.

Yesterday was another frustrating day for me. We had a BBQ for Wayne's birthday. Originally, it was because Wayne and Phil are moving out also, but I was convinced out of focusing on "the move" at the party. So it just became about Wayne. I'm getting sick of not drinking and not smoking.

I've been focused on one friendship circle for awhile now, and I think I need to undo some dependence I have on it. I think I need to focus more on the other friendship circle I'm in, even thought it's not as edgy. Somehow, in this preganancy, I'm drawn to things that scare me slightly. I'm drawn to things that push my beliefs. I'm drawn to things that create a feeling, whether good or bad...just that there's a feeling. I need to expand my friendship circle to include more Christians, more women and more sensitive people.

I go through this thing almost every day about moving. Sometimes it's into a commune. Sometimes it's far away from everything, with just Emmett and Mike. Sometimes it's moving away by myself, with just Emmett and not Mike. I'm continuously unsatisfied. I can't seem to get myself above water. I'm insatisable. I could cry at any second. Everything feels sad. And when it's not, I'm so SO happy because of the extreme relief. I go through a very low spot about two times a week.

I miss smoking. I've dipped back into it and have smoked about 1 cigarette a day for the past week. It's bad because I want more than that. I keep taking them from Phil and I think he knows. Today, I'm not going to take one.