"God forgive me everything...

she said, feeling the impossibility of struggling...A little peasant muttering something was working at the rails. The candle, by the light of which she had been reading that book filled with anxieties, deceptions, grief, and evil, flared up with a brighter light than before, lit up for her all that had been dark, flickered, began to grow dim, and went out forever." Anna Karenina

My feelings are beyond me. I long to not feel the things I feel. I understand the peace and harmony in dying. Not feeling the guilt. Not trying to rearrange a puzzle with pieces that simply don't fit. Not trying to figure out solutions to things that feel like understanding the concept of infinity. There is no solution to the problems I have, and as a person that feels more than other people, I am left with a lifetime of internal conflict.

I am inconsolably sad today. I can barely sit here without crying. I am so afraid of the choices I've made. I'm so afraid of the things I've given up...the things I didn't do...the passions I didn't follow. I'm afraid of spending the rest of my life in complacency. I'm afraid that I've made myself stuck, and there is no way out. I feel caged, trapped and scared. My family loves me so much and wants more than anything for me to be with them, devote myself to them and be happy with them.

I can't talk too much about this. Suffice to say, that the majority of my time is spent in a quietude of sadness -- completely alone in my mind, trying to reconcile things that can't be reconciled. I'm deeply, deeply confused.