I deleted my other post

because I realized what i did wasn't right. Or, it was a little right, but it's not the problem. Last time I got pregnant, I did the same thing. I went around hacking things out of my life hoping that would make me feel happy. The truth is, my sadness is my own and my problems can't really be put onto a person. Unfortunately, I always seem to pick the same people to blame and it's never really them.

I feel like I"m not allowed to have too much fun without Mike and Emmett. I am very frustrated that I am not like other mothers and wives. I wish that I could feel contementment in being this. I probably will when I'm older. Right now, I just want to be single and free. I wish I could go back in time and have fun again and be free again. I don't want to give up what I have. I just wish I had more of the other thing. And being pregnant is bringing this out so much more because I know I'm captive for a year.

I talked to two people about "my problem" yesterday. Both had good advice. Here's the meat of what I got:

JB- You need counseling.
CD- You are misdirecting your feelings. Undo what you did.

So, I'm going to do both. I have some people to call for counseling and I'm trying to undo what I did. I need to focus on the real problem. My situation is more like this one: A person hates their job. They get stuck in a traffic jam and get cut off. They blame traffic for their misery.

If I think about the fabric of who I am, I see myself as a person that has tears, rips and fraying. But, I'm starting to believe that, when you control the amount of damage to the fabric, it can actually add beauty and dimension to a person. I need to stop certain rips from continuing and allow the other ones to be there. Because even if I try to fix them, it will never be seamless.