These dreams.... (Warning: Sexual Content)

Before you start reading this blog, let me make a disclaimer. The reason I write this blog is because in some weird way it helps me. I'm not sure what the difference is between this and a private journal in terms of feeling satisfied, but this feels more satisfying. Maybe there's something to being honest about what you're going through, and not apologizing for it. Having said that, this entry has sexual content. I don't know who reads this blog anyomre, but this is just real life. If you can't handle it, don't read it.
are making me crazy. Every night I have these deeply saturated dreams -- sometimes about people I know. Last night was one of these, very, very detailed in every way. I felt like it was actually happening. It wasn't a bad dream, just very very vivid. And every dream seems to get more vivid. Someone told me you remember more dreams when you're pregnant. I'm starting to believe that person.

Some of my dreams these days have sexual content, so sharing them feels like a purposeful ommission of half the information. I'm realizing that this pregnancy is very different from my first one in the way of sexual energy. With my first pregnancy, sexuality was something I was so far away from. With this pregnancy, it's something I feel very in touch with -- separate from my emotions. That is a first.

Quite honestly, I don't know if I've ever thought about sex this much in my life. Why it's happening when I'm pregnant...I don't know. I might be starting to understand a more male mentality. That somehow everything connects to something sexual. I feel like an 18 year old. Is it possible I"m going through a mid-life crisis?

There are moments (and I mean MOMENTS ONLY) that I think about the 1960's and the concept of free love, and I sort of get it. But, I get it in a utopia kind of way. An impossible kind of way. Because I feel completely disconnected from my emotions right now, the concept of sexuality has become limited to the physical body. My emotions control me, but I don't trust anything I feel. Nothing is valid. So my feelings have become false mirrors of what's really going on. I'm operating on logic, knowing my "feelings" are hormonal and temporary. Like quitting smoking and feeling withdraw irritation. Even though it feels real, you know it's connected to smoking not to reality. Well, that's how my emotions are right now.

The only struggle I have is with energy. I wish so much that I had more. I sleep way too much. It's another beautiful day. I hope I still feel this way (and not tired) in like 2 hours.