To boldy ask "Is everyone having a good time".

We're in Florida at my grandmother's house. It's 4:22 in the morning and I'm the only one up. I went to sleep at around 6pm yesterday. I realized yesterday that being tired makes me very critical and irritable with my family. I get very touchy about everything and rethink events in a more negative (than actual reality) way. All this to say, I'm looking forward to my dad waking up so I can apologize to him. But I'm looking at about 4 hours before that happens.

My grandmother is so, so sweet. There are pictures of Emmett up everywhere (and Audrey -- there is a whole piece of furniture dedicated to Javin). Her entire goal is for us to have a good time. I know very much where I got my desire to host -- she's just more honest than me. We'll be sitting there, and she's bringing out all kinds of food, in odd combinations, but you know she's doing it because she has no idea what anyone is hungry for and thinks if she can just put the right thing out, when the person sees it they'll eat it. And then she will keep asking "Is everyone happy? Is everyone having a good time?" I WISH I could ask that! When I'm entertaining, even in the smallest way, all I'm trying to do is make the person or people have a good time. If they're happy, I'm happy. My grandmother is the same way.

Here's the weird thing. The reaction when someone asks you if you're happy is to not give too much response. I've made a mental note of this for when I'm older and become exactly like my grandmother. When someone is trying hard to make you happy and you're content, there's some weird desire to make that person feel like it's not working. You're not happy. Now I don't do this with my grandmother, but I see other relatives do it with her. Her dream would be for us to say "Wow Yaya! We are having a great time! The food you put out hit the spot and everything is so comfortable. We are so glad we are here!" I am making a note of this so that the next time she asks me I can enthustiacally reply that I am having a great time. (Because I am -- I'm just relaxing). One more mental note. I need to tell Yaya what a great host she is. She tries so hard and she really does succeed.

One more thought about hosting, and something that's happened to every single friend I have including every person that reads this blog. Althought I don't ask everyone if they're having a good time when they're at my house, I will secretly ask a close friend that's over if they think things are "going well". If it's a smaller group or one friend, when everyone leaves, I'll ask Mike if he thought everyone had a good time. In fact, whenever anyone comes for a visit, even if it's just for a short time, me asking Mike if he thought it was fun is a definite. The only thing that holds me back from having fun is when other people can't.

Very often, my after-visit conversations with Mike involve analyzing even the tiniest "off" reaction to ensure the person truly had fun. There is little room in the conversation for Mike to reply "yeah, it was okay". That statement for me is deadly. I don't think I ever realized this before now.

WARNING: THIS BLOG IS GETTING VERY DEEP INTO MY CRAZY WAY OF THINKING. YOU MAY NOT BE ABLE TO FOLLOW FROM THIS POINT ON

(The thinking pattern that's about to happen is proof of my insane map approach to thinking) So I wonder about my ability to have fun with a person that's not fun. I don't think it can be done. As I'm writing this, I'm realizing that paramount to me is a happy person, at least during a visit. A person that I perceive as unhappy when visiting, I take as a direct reflection of discontentment with me (unless there's been a deep discussion outlining why they're not happy). In other words, if a person is over and seems downcast, I must talk to them and try to help them out of it. This is part of my desire to create happiness around me. If I can't get into that part of them, I give up. My happiness at their visit is over.

I'm realizing now that friendships fall into two categories for me: Close, deep & analytical or fun, silly and happy. There is very little outside of these two. And when someone is on my turf, my need to show them a good time takes over, and my enjoyment is mirrored directly from the amount of happiness I perceive in them.