When will this end

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Originally uploaded by elisabethie.

I almost posted a picture of a person suffocating. You can see that picture here. But then I realized it's far too gruesome for this blog, although it describes how I feel. This picture is the more positive side of everything. There's hope. Mike is trying to reach me. But I am so far down and I have no desire to be helped. Buying a house is like lifting a piano and I feel like I'm doing it alone.

Last week, after I told Mike I couldn't handle making the decision, he sent me an email saying that he felt at peace...that this was the right thing to do etc. After a weekend of feeling excited, planning, measuring rooms, talking about different space ideas, Sunday night Mike prays over dinner that God will help us to make the important decisions we need to make. I was like What decisions.

He informed me that he felt "blocked" by something. That he wasn't sure if it was God or fear, but that he couldn't confidentally say we should go forward.He wasn't sure if it was the right thing to do.

I was so upset, I walked away from the table and zoned out into the computer. I stopped talking and could barely do anything. I took Emmett out in the rain and walked him around to get out of the house and away from Mike.

Then, when he asked me to talk, I refused for hours. Finally, I spewed venom all over him, hurling hatred and insults at him for more than an hour. He asked me to pray wiht him and I refused. I went to the store and bought a pack of cigarettes and found 3 beatles on myself, which somehow I took as a don't smoke sign. I did anyway. Last night I smoked 2 cigarettes.

I feel like I'm tetoring in between two high rise buildings trying to keep my balance on a 2x4. I feel like a kid who's parents promised him a field trip to a fun park, and after 3 days of preparation (packing lunches, looking at pictures etc.), the morning of the field trip, they say he can't go. I feel embarassed, angry, stressed and completely detached. I feel like my ship is being captained by a clown.

We came to a sort of peace last night (the cigarettes helped) andthis mroning I woke up with the same lump in my throat and complete feeling of dread. I asked him why couldn't he "have these feelings" before we put our offer in. Why would he waste everyone's time like this -- mine, the relators, the sellers, the inspectors -- ALL OF US. And why was he so confident all weekend?

The problem is, I cannot trust any of my own feelings about this, so any feeling he has, immediately sways me. I am dealing with guilting from my parents, fear for Emmett being away from them, worry about traditional values (it's best to raise your kids in teh suburbs) etc., so I can't trust any "blockage" I have. I know they could be extrenal factors. (Interjection: J, please don't tell your mom (our realtor) about this. It will add more stress that she will think we are wasting her time. I am very embarrassed and don't want her to know we are going through all this)

I feel SICK. I feel like I am drowning in mud, not even water. I feel like someone is dying. I feel like a boyfriend broke up with me. I am crying in spurts -- for like 5 seconds and then not. I can't play wiht Emmett. I want to go somewhere that no one knows who I am.