I wish I were...
more like a movie character, and what really shocks me, is that people like that really exist. Like this person. He's real, but how can he be so incredibly aloof and cool -- like for real. But he is, and I know he is becuase I know him. And there are a smattering of other people that I've met that are the same way. They're really, really that cool.
I always assume that secretly, everyone is a nerd or that everyone is like me -- but I don't think it's really true. I struggle with my faith in that I long for the seeming "liberation" that comes with being so wild and artistically free. I think some people get there and fun becomes not as silly and safe as my fun is. Experimentation is at the root of their experiences. This is something I limit.
My Christianity puts undeniable boundaries on my experiences -- and they're boundaries that I feel a sense of rebellion against. I wish I weren't such a touchy feely person -- such an honest person, and a person exisiting in such structure. I want to be wild, living in crazy places with aloof situations and weird people -- doing intense art projects and trying everything. But I can't.
I have only one resolve; The glimpses I've had of myself in these situations. I can say (and everyone around me has said) that I was a mess.
So to close my diary thought, I'll say this; Although I think that kind of life is the coolest, maybe I really can't handle it. Christianity aside...I'm not sure if I can stomach such a fearless life. I think security is something I need more than spontaneity.
posted by sabbeth @ 12:11 PM
3 comments
3 Comments:
Here's the thing about living, no matter what your spiritual beliefs: The best, cleanest, most drama-free way to live is to spend our time here first figuring out our own true nature and then living in a way that is true to it. Anything else hurts not only us, but the people around us.
Thanks guys. I know you're right. It's hard recognizing which is my true self sometimes. But maybe there's a little alter ego thing going on here and it's just a matter of accepting the majority of myself as being the more safe side.
I agree with the above comments. I think both lifestyles-- the wild and the safe, come with their dark sides and their doubts and their pitfalls, as well as their joys. It's just a matter of which is more natural for you.
(I'm basically just restating what's been said. Oh well)
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