Being honest...

Out.
Originally uploaded by elisabethie.

is for me to stop feeling self-conscious all of the sudden and to write as I would have written last week.

The Avery comment threw me into thoughts I never really had about my blog. All of the sudden I felt judged and not valid...and by someone I barely know.

Without focusing too much on it, I need to address these feelings, because the TRUTH of the matter is, that as tough and fighting as I am, I'm also sensitive. And I felt embarassed by my own feelings and felt a need to defend them -- as ridiculous as it sounds.

So, I'm coming back out of the closet with you guys. Here's the truth:

1. I AM trivial. I am petty. Things do upset me. I feel more than other people. I worry about my son. I worry about every single decision we make, even if it seems silly to a reader. Buying a house for some people is easy. But for me it's not.

2. I AM Overly Analytic and I use this blog to vent everything I'm thinking. This is a completely selfish blog. It is public, becuase I can't imagine why anyone that doesn't know me would ever want to read it.

3. I AM NOT COOL and I gave up trying like 10 years ago. I do not think cool people have fun. My whole identity is in real, unadulterated fun that blurs out the critical eye. This is my goal exclusively.

4. I DO NOT have a perfect life It's a stretch to assume anyone would think that, but when I write anything positive, it's because I'm trying to be positive. Not becuase my life is great.

5. It is hard for me to be a Christian And it's because in the kind of circles I've always been in and the kind of people I've always connected with still have a negative connotation to Christians.

6. It's making me mad that I am even having to "come out of the closet". But as annoying as this is to me, I have to go through this process to write without the clamp that I suddenly feel.

I do dorky "feel good" things like having everyone post "What they like about Mike" or sending cupcakes into his job with adjectives describing him or giving people self esteem boosts or writing and preforming songs about how much I love my friends. This is simply who I am.

OK. Having said that, here's what I'm thinking about:

Everyone seems like they're in a bad mood today. Mike and I are doing all this free work for people (my cousin, my uncle, the church), and everyone is wanting more. It's exhaustive.

I'm still worried about smoking. I'm still smoking enough to be dangerous. I'm not coughing anymore. Mike is understanding.

By the way, my cell phone is from '97. No, literally. It weighs like 20 pounds and the ringtone sounds are antique.