We've been trying

path
Originally uploaded by elisabethie.

to do what God wants. Trying to listen. Trying to make the right decision, which is somehting that's confounded by Emmett. It's such a differnt process when you have a child.

But what we realized yesterday, was that when we are "going forward", all the problems seem to vanish. It's when we stop in our paths that everything gets bad. So we're going forward.

I CANNOT THANK YOU ENOUGH --ALL OF YOU, for allowing me to feel that this is as big a deal as it feels...for not condemming me for being petty and for creating an environment that I can be my true self, as silly as it may seem sometimes. Everyone one of you has helped in ways you have no idea of. And thank you JR & AT & HH (usually quiet readers) for calling and writing and recognizing my fears.

I even thank you Anon, with your brash comment, for your words becuase that is a missing perspective. (Now don't hide behind your fears and we'll be fine. You should know, I can take bluntness, as long as it's honest).

Having said that, all is back in line and I'm doing much better, except that I've smoked 4 1/2 cigarettes during this situation and I'm getting worried that I'm going to start again. I know myself and I am teetering. I can't be a smoker. I love Emmett too much.

In other news, there are some pretty sad things happening elsewhere.

One of my friends out here, that's our age, was diagnosed with breast cancer. How DARE I smoke out of respect to her! I want so much to help her and unsure how to help.It's weighing heavily on me, and I'm avoiding the full thought of this reality.

I want so much to help her and I feel so captive. I'm just going to listen and try to bring fun and contemplation into the times we spend together. And I felt it with her when she said "Why me? Why not her?". I wonder the same things. It seems unfair how lots are dealt. And I guess I'm just realizing...life is really unfair. And comparitively, my "problems" seem pathetic. If you're reading "Mary", please know that I want to go through this with you.



In an effort to direct this entry into some positive news, here's a list of other things that are happening:

1. Emmett clearly says "Da-DDY" now.
2. Tomorrow is Mike's birthday.
3. I applied for new freelance work.
4. Mike is appreciated at his job.
5. I am in touch with my old friend, and mentor, Andrea.
6. My friend Phil has started writing letters to me again.
7. I have come to realize that I AM growing in the Orthodox church and God is in my life more than in a long time.
8. We are still trying to figure out how to make Living Wage and the Robot band happen.
9. Today is pretty outside.
10. Certain depression is controllable and I have been a wimp.