It's like someones cutting down

my strength. I operate on this pillar of independance and for the past few days, I feel like I can't stand up on my own.

My entire life, I've operated behind thick walls that allow me to empathise, sympathise and feel -- but never reveal myself as vulernable. I have this so perfectly figured out, that when I reveal too much, I actually feel embarassed and worried. I'm very happy with the ice pond above my feelings and am content with the semi-permeable shields I have up. It's enough to create friendships and form bonds (and is truly sincere) but allows me to filter out how much I show and how much I actually need to express.

This is way too honest for a blog read by people I know, nonetheless, it's where I am right now. Because lately, my ability to hold this up is slipping. Yesterday, I found myself clinging to Mike for basic human functioning in this really co-dependant way. I can't seem to motivate myself to do basic things (like driving to a place I don't know) without him.

Last night, Mike and I got into an argument because I opened up some of this vulernability to him. He responded lovingly, but later I noticed he became sharper with me than he usually is, telling me things that bothered him etc. Unfortunately, Mike and I are in a power pattern. Before we got married, he was in power and I was always seeking his approval. Then, when I finally started to leave, I got the power and he is seeking to make me happy. When I remove all of my defenses and become vulernable to him, he begins to retaliate. This is either because (his opinion) he's finally able to tell me what he thinks in a safe environment or (my opinion) he doesn't know how to love me when I'm not somewhat cold. So we go back and forth, with me showing and then hiding a weakness that I don't feel on the surface, but I guess is there underneath.

I start to wonder, is there really anything wrong with this if I can refine it a little better? I think of myself as an open and honest person -- and I am for the most part. I just don't like feeling vulernable. At the same time, Mike and I are wondering if this circular pattern is actually our biggest problem.

I've always had this belief

that this overly-perceptive (often paranoid) mindset that I share with a few of my friends is actually some kind of crude form of mind-reading. What if human beings have the ability to read minds, but we're not that developed yet. So this "over-analysis" my friends and I struggle with, is actguallly a crude form of advanced thinking.

Okay. Let me put it more practically.

Here's the situation. I walk into a room and begin talking to 4 friends. All of the sudden, one of those friends disagrees with me in a way that points out a tinge of something negative or irritated. After immediately noticing and dissecting it, I'd conclude that the person is slightly irritated with me because **insert applicable reason** (I'm dominating the conversation and they feel secondary, I interrupted the conversation, I am not including them enough, I said something contraversial etc.). I confront the person and it turns out to be true, but maybe not as prominent as I thought.

I'm starting to wonder if this ability, that most of my friends seem to have, is actually moving toward a human trait that will come later. That we've developed so mentally, that mind-reading is actually a composite of generalized knowledge of the human condition, mixed with cues found in tone and presentation, that can lead to understanding the way MOST people think. That it's not as "supernatural" as everyone thought.

Having said that this is my theory, I don't think me or anyone else I know has it right. Very often, we'll get a perception that something is happening and we're off. We're right that something is going on, but our conclusion might be incorrect (self-focused) or overblown (there is a shred of truth, but it's minor). For some reason, that old game "The Simms" supports this theory for me in that it generalizes certain reactions to socializing. (Too much talking can turn a person off etc.)

I wonder if in 300 years, human beings will be able to accurately read minds with regard to emotion, and that we're seeing the beginning of this now. Certain individuals (who are swirling around me) suffer with an unrefined ability in this, but because we are in the early stages of this understanding, it's unpleasant and self-focused. What if non-verbal cues leading to emotional feeling becomes a basic human function. (And my mind goes wild about how people will present themselves, how there will be more care in interaction etc.) What a creepy thought.

Having said this, I don't think we'll ever be telling fortunes like my picture shows (aside from obvious cases with people under 18 based on life choices they're making and statistics). I just liked that picture.

I'm finally getting sick of

Los Angeles, and I say that sincerely. The people here are flat out weird. I was talking to my dad last night and once again realizing that there's no "goal" here to sound intelligent or to speak intelligently. Maybe it's just Venice because it's a beach town. But people literally shy away and change the subject if you talk about anything negative or anything deep. It's like the people here are shells waiting to be filled up with a character. I just feel resolved to know I officially don't want to live here again, and to genuinely not be faking it.

Yesterday, I worked in Audrey's store again and I am not good at working in the front. It's not the actual work. It's dealing with rich people that want to talk too long about stationary or their dogs. I am faking it. I like the wrapping paper enough to say "Yeah, it's super cool" but going on and on about it becomes a chore for me because in a sense I'm lying. I realize (again with my thoughts on intelligence) that getting THAT into the packaging to me doesn't make logical sense. That's not to say Audrey doesn't have awesome stuff in her store -- she does and I really do like it. And I like working in the store. But I want to kill the words "yeah yeah yeah!!!" and murder exclamation points. I am way too cynical and my beat is different.

Even when I was almost killed walking across a crosswalk (which in LA, in my opinion, promotes death), the guy that almost hit me (who truly should have been mad since I just waltzed out and didn't really look hard enough) was so "dude! you didn't even look! I almost hit you". He was like 50. This town just isn't for me. He didn't yell. There wasn't a fight. There was nothing.

After I worked, Mike and I went shopping and Benetton was having a great sale (v-neck and turtle neck sweaters 70% off). It's still winter at home so to me this was great. I bought several of them and realize that Benetton continues to be one of my favorite stores (and don't think that 80's advertising campaign had nothing to do with it). I just need to figure out the bottom half and create a winter uniform. We also went to Urban Outfitters and I bought the best dress I've ever seen and a cool skirt. MIKE IS THE BEST because he shops with me and doesn't mind waiting or helping me judge. The best thing that's happened for me in LA is a reopening of my style and realizing how I can get through the rest of the winter without jeans.

After that, we met this guy Jay we knew from when we lived there and (surprise) had to find a Valentine's Gift for his girlfriend (spending about $250) within an hour. I was suddenly the professional consultant on this, and wound up encouraging him in the "sleeping" direction with a memory foam pillow, red satin pillow case, and red neglige from Victoria Secrets. It was just funny that I was so influential in something I would never wear (see-through).

The entire time, I felt ugly, short and squat -- something I don't feel at home. I kept glancing in the mirror and realizing how I don't visually fit in in Los Angeles and feeling very unbeautiful and sort of funny looking. My outfit was different (brown knee socks with pink ankle socks & brown sneakers, green short skirt, stripped undershirt, brown bird t-shirt and hoodie). But I got carded again when I got a vodka & tonic, and that made me feel good.

I'm excited to go home.

Now, I just have to get over New York.

It's like every day

you're entering a contest. That's what I miss the most about Los Angeles. Every single day is filled with promise.

When we lived here, Mike was riding his bike down Main Street in Santa Monica, and was stopped at a light. He saw a man looking at him -- trying to figure out if he had the right look for a certain role. The man decided he didn't.

I get it here. I get the sense that anything can happen at anytime. If you're in the industry, every single day is filled with promise. In a matter of hours, you can book a commercial that can pay hundreds of thousands of dollars. You can meet someone that can book you behind the scenes of your favorite TV show. All you have to do is go outside.

More than anything, this is what I feel is missing in Philadelphia. I wake up every day knowing that the only surprises are the ones I've possibly set up to happen. So I enter contests, I contact people, I spread little feelers around in search of that surprise: a letter...a phone call...something.

If you are beautiful (or really, even unusual looking), you can come out here with one focus -- to take care of yourself. To stay healthy. To stay attractive. To look stylish. To align yourself with an agency that will represent you. The rest is about enjoying the in-between times. There are no regular schedules. You wake up every day knowing that anything is possible.

I was talking to Mike about a perpetual bordem and restlessness I have and how, somehow, this has become the structure for the female herion in movies like Eternal Sunshine and Garden State. This crazy sort of girl that seems insatiable and full of passion and dreams. And it's the way I really am (some of it, not all), and I think it's funny that someone deemed these traits as appealing. I can say quite truthfully it's a hellish way to live. I am easily bored by my surroundings and generally insane with my desires. Being a dreamer is forever feeling unhappy with where I am now and having delisusions that I don't have the energy to see through. Someone compared me to Clementine and while I watched that movie again, I realized I felt somewhat insulted at the halfway point. Until she said something that I really related to. She said to Jim Carrey "Why should we bother trying this again. You'll get irritated with me and I'll get bored with you like i always do with every guy".

That bordem...that A.D.D of life...is something that is corrupting my entire world. This dreamer quality manifests itself in a seeming bi-polar disorder kind of way. Visiting a place like Venice Beach doesn't help. Going ANYWHERE doesn't help. I'm constantly wanting to move anywhere but where I am.

Mike is a stable force for me. Thank God he's not like me and I don't know how he puts up with this. If he wasn't a 1-track mind, I don't know what we'd be doing. In response to all of this craziness, he keeps saying he loves our house and sees so much happening in Philadelphia. He can't wait to get home and work on our business. I'm on the side dreaming of having apartments in Venice, New York and Philadelphia with these delusions of living everywhere. And Mike has learned, at this point, to just let me go on and say nothing. That eventually it will pass.

Today's post - from Venice Beach (literally)

I woke up this morning at 5:00 LA time, totally unable to sleep. Mike and I are both sick and we went to bed late. Audrey is having contractions but they may last a few days. I asked Mike if he wanted to go for a walk and he said no. So I got up, put on my crappy plane clothes, got a cup of coffee and I'm sitting here on the beach writing.

I have to say, deep in my heart, I'm deeply saddened that we do not live here. Jessica, I'm sorry. This is the last thing you want to hear. When Mike and I first moved here, I referred to this place as an actual paradise. And I think it is.

When we got off the plane, the first thing I was met with (aside from the fact that even the airport has decent loudspeaker music) was the progression. That everything here seems fair. Everything makes sense. Everything is constructed for the time we're living in now, unlike the East Coast, which is leftover from a time long ago. Roads make sense. Architecture is modern and efficient. It all makes sense. Even the weather. For the time we live in now, a very busy time, being able to "do" all the time makes life easier. There's a sense of possibility here -- even people without money can seem to make this work.

It leads me to feel sad. Sad that we wasted the time when we were here. Sad that we moved when we did. Sad that we didn't buy the 600,000 beachfront property in 2000. Sad to go back to what suddenly seems like a gritty and unnatural place to live. Sad that this kind of beauty and lifestyle is reserved for the rich. But mostly sad that I am a water person -- a beach person and that I may never live near a beach again. ((I write that half not believeing it).

It's not possible to be freespirited when you have a child. To everyone that reads this blog -- almost none of you have children. This is my statement to you: If you want to move, do it now. If you want to be extreme and bohemian, do it now. You simply can't justify this when you have a child. Every move is permanent and serious becuase you know your child needs stability and to establish friendships. I never want Emmett to be the kid that says "Well, we moved around a lot". I cherish the old friendships I have. They are seriously important to me. They (in part) define who I am. Even though we lived in a crappy part of Upper Darby.

There's a feeling of boundlessness and freedom that happens for me when I'm looking at the water. I'm not sure what it is. Maybe I've gotten to teh end of teh place I can actualy go. I feel less confined and more creative.

Having said all of this, this progressive city does have its serious problems, for which at this moment, I am thankful. Namely, the smog and the earthquakes.Sadly, these two things are a condolence for me right now (especially the earthquakes). And also, that everyone here is so beautiful and (for the most part) so not deep. If I could move the East Coast people to the West Coast, i think living in the shadow of a potential earthquake would be okay.

Alright. My hands are freezing. And as it's getting lighter outside, the romance here is fading a little. I should go back to my room, get dressed, and see what is actually happening today. I love you all so much. I am so thankful that I have such a wonderful garden of friends.

yesterday's post

from the airplane


So...here we are. In route to Los Angeles, to see my sister have her baby.
My whole family will be there, and this is a source of stress for me. My
whole family, all together, is something I don't enjoy. I love everyone one
on one, but I don't like the role I have in my family as a unit.

I think it's probably hurtful to them that I feel this way, but it's the
truth. Every time my whole family is together I end up getting upset.
Everyone ends up mad at me and I end up mad at everyone. I don't know why
they even want me there. It's really much easier without me.

So, part of me is dreading this. I'm excited for Audrey and to see her baby.
I'm excited to see Ana. I'm excited to see my parents. It's the all together
time that brings a sick feeling to my stomach.

We're at the tail-nd of this plane ride. I watched some Robin Williams movie
about a president that gets elected due to a faulty computer system. It was
a mediocre film, but I could barely see it because the screen was flipping
and staticey. I really do hate US Air. They didn't even formally address it.

Stuff with the clothing line is going, slowly but surely. I'm hoping to be
able to work on it while we're out there. We have a few promising
manufacturers and officially have our design consultant. It feels major.

We're both (Mike and I) sick. We're sniffing, sneezing and I have this weird
pain in the upper back of my throat. It feels painfully dry. Mike is blowing
his nose...I'm trying to hide it because this plane is literally full. When
we were bording, I was so mad at Mike. He booked our tickets one behind the
the other in 3 rows. His idea was that we could just "switch" seats with
people. I was like...we HAVE to. Emmett is 3! And it was akward and
uncomfortable, but it's over now. Everyone around us was put out because it
was actually 3 middle seats. Who wants to trade an ender for a middle seat.

I have to pee, but I would never even consider it on a plane unless it was a
dire emergency. I'm amazed at my ability to "hold" when I want to. And I
really want to. And I swear that guy standing in line for the athroom was
the genie on Pee Wee's playhouse.

Anarchy in the...

Downloading music can prove to be a complete waste of an afternoon. I typed in a few songs that I never get sick of (Madam Me by Alkaline Trio, Blister by Jimmy Eat World) and found a message board of people discussing music they never get sick of. I quickly downloaded everything they listed -- and as much of it as possible.

Then, I listened, to song after awful emo punk song. And I realized that truly age plays a part of what people enjoy listening to. When my music king housemate came home and I named a few of the bands that proved disasterous, he said "You must have been on a really young message board". I felt justified in my conclusion. I HATE emo.

Lately, I am addicted like a drug addict to downloading music -- both new and old. So far, I've only found one song and one band myself (that my music friends haven't lead me to) and it's not even that good. I'm working hard to create a CD of songs I never get sick of and also a Gym Mix 2007 because by summer I want to be back at the gym and done with smoking.

Included on Gym Mix 2007 are: Blister (Jimmy Eat World) Mr. Brightside (Killers, King of Carrot Flowers (Neutral Milk Hotel), Anarchy in the UK (acoustic -- I'm not sure if it's even the Sex Pistols that did the acoustic version). As for the world's best Mix, I'm having a hard time deciphering the 4's from the 5's (stars). This is boring but it's where I'm at. Every second I get, I return to my music collection and rate songs and try to hear the bands I've always heard of but never actually heard. I feel like I'm educating myself.

So, I have a gym crew of 4 people that are willing to go with me. And I've developed a design team of 3 that are willing to take classes with me. I know design, but I don't know the right way to do any of it, so Mike always has to redo certain things I do. I want to learn from scratch InDesign, Quark, Photoshop and Dreamweaver.

Today is busy. We're leaving for Los Angeles tomorrow for 2 weeks.Audrey is having her baby and we're going out there to see the kid and to support the store. Today is also Godparents Day so we have to go to Greek Church and then I have a meeting at 3. In the meantime, the Fair Trade stuff is going great. We're getting a lot of response -- in everything.

Okay. I better get ready to go. We're all sick.

*** Images above are the insert and disk image of an album I just designed. Don't enlarge and read it. The words are completely offensive, but I was happy with my impossible treatment of way too much text.***

I don't get this.

I don't seem to get basic humor.
I still can't figure out if I'm really smart or really stupid.