The secret.

So here it is. The big secret. Don't get your hopes up too high, because it's not very juicy. it's something I'm struggling with and an admission. It's something I couldn't really talk about before, but I'll explain why.

It has to do with Ethan's birth. I outlined everything that happened. I admitted all the details. But there was something I didn't admit, and it happened when we were in th e Emergency Room on the 2nd day after he was born.

While we were in there, Ethan was shaking a lot. The doctor was gone. Mike had run to get us something to eat. I was in there alone with Ethan experiencing brief moments of not crying, delirous with emotion and inconsolable sadness. It was at that time that I prayed and said "God, I promise....if Ethan is okay...I promise I will stop smoking. I will offer that as a sacrament to you. And I'm asking that you hear this prayer before Ethan's birth and during his development. I'm willing to offer this if Ethan is okay".

And as soon as I said it, I felt the weight of my prayer and realized that it was not like the bargaining I did when I was younger. That this serious and real. And immediately I knew that in the best case scenario, I had committed myself to quitting smoking, whether Ethan's myclonic shakes had turned out to be something "normal" or not. Because within my prayer, I addressed the whole idea, promising this regardless of the details in the end and if I felt like God had actually done anything. I made a bargain. If Ethan was okay, I would fully quit smoking.

Now keep in mind that I hadn't fully quit smoking. I was barely smoking at that point, but it was something I hadn't stopped doing and during the time that he was in the hospital, I started smoking more than I had been because I was a mess.

We got home and everything was supposedly okay. It was with great relief, but I felt the heavy burden of responsibility to quit smoking. And suddenly, I felt this...You must quit smoking by this weekend or I will take your child away from you.

I WAS DEVASTATED. I was uncontrollably upset and for obvious reason, but I kept it to myself until Saturday...and that day, through an avalanche of tears and my own kind of shaking, I told Mike what I had felt. Because honestly, what could I do? It didn't matter if it seemed right or fair to me. I was the one burdened with the thought. I had made a bargain with God and that's what I heard. And Mike disputing that feeling (which of course he did) offered little calm. There was still some chance that what I'd felt was real and it was all my responsibility. On Sunday, I called my Mom.

My mother listened to the entire story completely silent. She's the only one that can fully understand my history of spiritual experiences, and although this one was different, i knew she would understand why I would take it so seriously. And when I was done talking, she very simply said that she did believe that i needed to quit smoking, but she did not believe that this was the time. She said that she felt that I had been through too much emotionally and that, given a previous history of serious post-pardum depression, that I should wait. She asked me if I had prayed to God for help and I told her no...I had begun avoiding God. That I was afraid of God. That I wasn't talking to God because I didn't want to deal with it. And she said that it didn't sound like something God would do because ultimately, it was making me far away. I accepted what my mother said.

I talked to Ana about it. Ana said that she agreed with my mother, but felt strongly that God taking my baby away from me could easily mean me leaving my child. In other words, why was I so convinced it was Ethan that would die? This made incredible sense to me.

I talked to Jessica about it and Jessica confirmed what my mother had said in terms of my mental health, but it was hard for her. She said she felt it was important that I quit smoking, but that she felt emotionally, the transition would be very rough.

So that's what I did. I prayed a little to God and explained that I was not strong enough to do it immediately, and that I wasn't even sure if he'd said those things anyway, and that I needed to get through these myclonic shakes...Ethan's sickness...Emmett's transition...and my own trasition. That I needed to balance emotionally, because (for me) what I'd been through was fear to euphoria to devestation in a very short amount of time. But I promised to make good on my bargain and thanked him for anything I couldn't understand about what happened.

It's been a secret because in my admission here, I'm saying that now I know it's time. Ethan is totally healthy. I managed to skip depression. I have to honor this commitment I made. And I'm scared.

Not for close minded people.

I am so upset right now, I (literally) feel like I'm going to throw up. This is why..THIS is why I hate politics and I don't get involved.

I just forced Mike into an hour long discussion of my disillusionment with our time. WILL THE NEXT REVOLUTIONARY PLEASE STAND UP!! And by revolutionary, I don't mean someone that's going to do a little on health care. I mean the next person that can see that we live in a sheep to the fold society and people follow whatever they're told and DON'T QUESTION AUTHORITY. I'm looking for the person that says "This works", and says it unabashedly to people that are conditioned by their political affiliations to agree or disagree.

Martin Luther King and John F. Kennedy keep coming to my mind as I think that they were dealing with a society of people that didn't think they way they did, and they were able to change ACTUAL THOUGHT, not just bills. They were revolutionary in that they actually changed the way our society viewed right and wrong. And it wasn't about their political views and it wasn't about their extreme situations...It was simply that they made sense and were't afraid to say it to a flock that never thought differently. I want that man. I want that woman. There has been no one in my lifetime that has done that.

I am so sick of following along in a society with politics that haven't been rethought since the 60's. These little tiny, minor changes are cute and pacifying. But there is a thought pattern on both sides (There! I! Said! It!) that lacks questioning. I am so over the Liberal that seems to agree with EVERY Democrat issue. I'm so over the Conserative that seems to agree with EVERY Republican stance. I'm so over people praising our so called revolutionary Michael Moore for literally "preaching to the choir". OF COURSE liberals are against war and guns. It's in their code of conduct. Now convince people to feel or think about something they're not supposed to. I'm over Bill O'Reily critizing gay marriage, singing directly to his mother. OF COURSE Republicans are against gay marriage. It's what they're supposed to think.

I am craving to speaker that brings me to tears. I'm begging the person that will lead us back to questioning authority (and I don't mean authority of the party we're not in). I want a liberal that's questioning the liberals. I want a conservative that's questioning the conservatives. Ideally, I want someone that questions both. So where is this independent, dynamic, likable individual that can acutally make things better and will make people THINK.

And if your pissed at me because this is what I think, it only goes to prove exactly my point.

Bill Clinton was my favorite president

and he was because I loved the fact that I liked him. I loved his humor. I loved his candidness. I loved it when I quit my job and his plan covered my health care during the transition. I loved that he protected mothers who were pregnant from losing their jobs. I loved the funny videos he made of himself. I was really a fan of Clinton. But I'm a fan of JFK more. In fact, I believe there should be a JFK day. He was so revolutionary in what he was trying to do, that he was shot and killed most likely by his own government. I equate him in my mind to Martin Luther King. Only he could never be so forthright.

WARNING: POLITICAL ISSUES. ABORTION.
Having said that, my mother brought up the abortion issue when I mentioned that I was routing for Obama. I said "Mom. There's been a Republican in the white house for 8 years. What's really changed?" And my mom said "Partial Birth abortion changed".

So, this morning I looked it up. And I tried to find a page not covered in gruesome images, and I did, so I began reading this one .

And actually, partial birth abortion was something changed when Clinton was in office, but he vetoed it. There were enough votes the second round that he couldn't veto it again. And when I glanced at the diagrams (black and white sort of medical drawings) on the left, I shut the page down and realized I couldn't look at it, despite the fact that they're not really offensive comparitively. It's been 15 years since I've allowed myself to think about this issue. And now, I'm stuck.

First, this blog is not meant to cause a debate and everyone should believe what they believe, but if you don't understand what happens during partial birth abortion, please read about it. I don't know why this is a conservative/republican issue. I really believe anyone having any opinion should know what they believe intelligently and should not think in anyway because a party tells them too.

It seems so unfair! Why is it cool to be pro-choice? I just said to Mike "I have to vote for McCain. THIS IS SO UNFAIR. THIS SHOULD BE A LIBERAL ISSUE. LIBERALS ARE AGAINST KILLING. REPUBLICANS SHOULD BE WANTING TO CONTROL THE POPULATION. WHY IS THIS A REPUBLICAN ISSUE!!!" And I wonder sometimes, does everyone actually know what they're talking about? I mean, I can understand if someone is pro-choice for "this many weeks" or for "this kind of procedure" or "In this situation". But there are a lot of people that are pro-choice through the entire 9 months -- across the board. And to those of you reading who understand the details of all of it and still feel pro-choice, we just have a different opinion and I don't feel conflict because of it...because you know what you believe and why. But I know that fthere are other people that are doing exactly what I've done for so long when it comes to this issue. Just not thinking about the details. Avoiding understanding what's actually happening. And this is totally wrong.

I believe in life. Of all kinds. I don't believe in the death penalty. I don't believe in war. And above all, I don't believe abortion is right. AND I AM NOT AFRAID TO SAY IT despite the pro-choicers reading here and depite the fact that this is not a cool stance to take. I don't believe killing of any kind is right ever. Having said that, I am still more moderate. Things like The Day After Pill seem a lot less bad to me than other things. I really should make that Liberals Against Abortion website I always thought I should make.

As a mother that ADORES my 3 month old, I am totally distressed. I don't want to be an issue voter. I really like Obama. I think he is strong, intelligent, capable, intellectual. I believe in him. BUT, I think abortion is so incredibly wrong that someday it will be considered bizzare and unusually cruel. It is this issue (and a few others) that keep me dreaming of the Independent that will rise up from the ashes and will just do what he or she thinks is right, rather than what the party tells them to.

I long for the next JFK.

I am feeling better and am realizing

that weakness is something that's very hard for me. I'm frustrated by myself when I'm tired. I get irritated with Mike if he's sick. But after this bout with the flu, I have learned my lesson. I realize that I'm not a person that gets "sick" often. That my sickness until now has been what some people would call the sniffles. I am sorry Mike for the times I didn't take care of you enough during your illness.

I'm coming out of it. Today I just stayed on the couch and worked on getting well. Emmett went to his friend Zach's house after school it was my final push into "getting back on the mend". So i did some thinking today and watched CNN for a long time:

1. I am officially an Obama fan.
2. I can't stand weakness. This is a serious problem.
3. It seems like my cat no longer feels the need to "get out of the way" if I'm walking up the steps.
4. I think one of the worst ways to die would be drowning.

I also talked to my friend Meredith today. She's one of my mom friends that doesn't live in South Philly, but I sometimes wish she did. She's so easy and accepting, yet brilliant and introspective. And I look at her and all the other moms I know and realize that I (somehow and despite myself) have managed to make friends with "the best" in the mom world.

I'm going to write about three of these women that I am appreciating right now. One of them doesn't read this blog, but I'm thinking of her fondly and want to include her. As for the other two...you guys are very special to my heart. Thank you for reaching out and being there for me.

In a stream of consciousness way, here are my thoughts on R*, S* and M*:

R*: Gentle. Peaceful. Always talks slowly. Nonjudgmental and can bond with you at a moment's notice. Emotionally in touch, but never frantic. Calm and collected. Laid back. Together. An excellent listener. Beautiful. Honest.

S*: Striking -- adorable when casual and magnificent dressed up. Genuinely sweet and good natured. Sincere. A very aware mother. Has an engaging laugh. Gentle. Kind. Thoughtful. Calm. A role model.

M*: Intelligent. Sophisticated. Quirky in a very cool way. Smart. Fashionable. Clever. Urban. Intellectual and diplomatic. Refined taste. Can get very deep. Can dwell on the positive side.


I am so, so lucky to know great kids with great moms.

I am going to the doctor's

because I'm sicker than I've been in my entire adult life. I think this must be what being sick is like, and I've just been spared. I thinjk I have the flu. eberything is foggy, but I can't sleep. My legs hurt. I'm sneeing uncontrollably. My sense of time is off (an hour feels like it's about 3 hours). I am shivering and then hot. My head hurts. My vision is blurry.

It's 9:53 and

Emmett is at my parents house. About 10 minutes ago, he called and said "Mommy, I want to come home" and I said no problem and tried to make it as simple and as easy as possible. Having said this, I'm sick. Very sick. I've been sleeping and shivering all day adn Mike has been taking care of me. And as happy as I've been to have Emmett not in my "den of sickness", there's something in me that just wants everyone home.

When I was little, I remember one time, being at my grandmother's house, a place I loved going, and suddenly missing my parents and wanting to go home. There was a desperation I felt. I needed to go home. And right now I'm wondering if Emmett feels that way. And if he does, I feel like we're doing something right.