The secret.
So here it is. The big secret. Don't get your hopes up too high, because it's not very juicy. it's something I'm struggling with and an admission. It's something I couldn't really talk about before, but I'll explain why.It has to do with Ethan's birth. I outlined everything that happened. I admitted all the details. But there was something I didn't admit, and it happened when we were in th e Emergency Room on the 2nd day after he was born.
While we were in there, Ethan was shaking a lot. The doctor was gone. Mike had run to get us something to eat. I was in there alone with Ethan experiencing brief moments of not crying, delirous with emotion and inconsolable sadness. It was at that time that I prayed and said "God, I promise....if Ethan is okay...I promise I will stop smoking. I will offer that as a sacrament to you. And I'm asking that you hear this prayer before Ethan's birth and during his development. I'm willing to offer this if Ethan is okay".
And as soon as I said it, I felt the weight of my prayer and realized that it was not like the bargaining I did when I was younger. That this serious and real. And immediately I knew that in the best case scenario, I had committed myself to quitting smoking, whether Ethan's myclonic shakes had turned out to be something "normal" or not. Because within my prayer, I addressed the whole idea, promising this regardless of the details in the end and if I felt like God had actually done anything. I made a bargain. If Ethan was okay, I would fully quit smoking.
Now keep in mind that I hadn't fully quit smoking. I was barely smoking at that point, but it was something I hadn't stopped doing and during the time that he was in the hospital, I started smoking more than I had been because I was a mess.
We got home and everything was supposedly okay. It was with great relief, but I felt the heavy burden of responsibility to quit smoking. And suddenly, I felt this...You must quit smoking by this weekend or I will take your child away from you.
I WAS DEVASTATED. I was uncontrollably upset and for obvious reason, but I kept it to myself until Saturday...and that day, through an avalanche of tears and my own kind of shaking, I told Mike what I had felt. Because honestly, what could I do? It didn't matter if it seemed right or fair to me. I was the one burdened with the thought. I had made a bargain with God and that's what I heard. And Mike disputing that feeling (which of course he did) offered little calm. There was still some chance that what I'd felt was real and it was all my responsibility. On Sunday, I called my Mom.
My mother listened to the entire story completely silent. She's the only one that can fully understand my history of spiritual experiences, and although this one was different, i knew she would understand why I would take it so seriously. And when I was done talking, she very simply said that she did believe that i needed to quit smoking, but she did not believe that this was the time. She said that she felt that I had been through too much emotionally and that, given a previous history of serious post-pardum depression, that I should wait. She asked me if I had prayed to God for help and I told her no...I had begun avoiding God. That I was afraid of God. That I wasn't talking to God because I didn't want to deal with it. And she said that it didn't sound like something God would do because ultimately, it was making me far away. I accepted what my mother said.
I talked to Ana about it. Ana said that she agreed with my mother, but felt strongly that God taking my baby away from me could easily mean me leaving my child. In other words, why was I so convinced it was Ethan that would die? This made incredible sense to me.
I talked to Jessica about it and Jessica confirmed what my mother had said in terms of my mental health, but it was hard for her. She said she felt it was important that I quit smoking, but that she felt emotionally, the transition would be very rough.
So that's what I did. I prayed a little to God and explained that I was not strong enough to do it immediately, and that I wasn't even sure if he'd said those things anyway, and that I needed to get through these myclonic shakes...Ethan's sickness...Emmett's transition...and my own trasition. That I needed to balance emotionally, because (for me) what I'd been through was fear to euphoria to devestation in a very short amount of time. But I promised to make good on my bargain and thanked him for anything I couldn't understand about what happened.
It's been a secret because in my admission here, I'm saying that now I know it's time. Ethan is totally healthy. I managed to skip depression. I have to honor this commitment I made. And I'm scared.
posted by sabbeth @ 9:00 PM
5 comments
5 Comments:
I have a student who, since the beginning of the school year, has done nothing. He is a bright, entertaining and pleasant kid but he never turns in homework and turns his tests, quizzes, and class assignments in blank. I really like the kid and have spent a good amount of time conferencing with him and encouraging him to take part in his education to pretty much no avail.
Then, two days ago on the first day of the new semester, he came in and stated that he was making a fresh start and was going to make an effort and start doing his work. The next day, he did exactly that and I was thrilled. I assigned the class homework at the end of the class and he remarked that he was going to do it.
Today before class, I wondered if he would actually have his homework and just in case he didn't, I tried to figure out what I would say to him. I wanted to say something encouraging and not squash his new found optimism. But at the same time, I would need to hold him accountable, which was causing me a lot of anxiety because that could shut him down again.
While I was thinking of what I would say to him if he didn't have his work, the old adage "Today is the first day of the rest of your life" kept coming to mind. I then started thinking of derivatives of that statement, and for some reason, I just kept simplifying it until it became "it's never too late to change".
I thought about possible comebacks he or his classmates could give to negate that axiom, such as "yeah, well, it's to late for me to change, this is who I am, I always screw everything up" and I realized that the point I really wanted to make to him was that, while yes, it is too late to change past screw ups, that doesn't mean that the future can't be different from the way things are now.
I've seen so many students just give up because it's so much easier to throw up the flag in defeat and then live in a secret, desperate world gilded with self loathing. It's easier to do that because we convince ourselves that the alternative involves an absolute that, if not achieved, is damning - like, if you say that you've turned over a new leaf, then every thing you do from here on out better be "new leafish" or you're a failure.
To that, my argument was going to be that affecting change, true change, is one of the most difficult challenges we as humans can ever face, particularly if what we are trying to change is ourselves. For many, cold turkey approaches are often self defeating which is why I didn't want my student to feel as though he had blown his chance at turning his academic career around. I couldn't stomach the thought of a 17 year old kid thinking that if, on the first day after he had publicly announced that he was going to do his homework from now on, he didn't have his homework done, he had lost his chance.
Instead, I wanted him to surge forward, I wanted to remind him of how proud I am of him that first of all, he had the courage to admit to himself that he needed to change and that second, he had said it aloud in front of me and the rest of the class, like he new he needed support. I would then remind him of how I could be of assistance and encourage him to try again tomorrow.
After all, those quotes I mentioned above are about TODAY and our FUTURE, not about what's happened in the past or are former patterns of behavior.
And if we slip up along the way, if Mason does his homework 3 days in a row and then walks in on the 4th day empty handed? Does that means he's broken a promise to me, to himself? That failure and possibly not graduating and even perhaps never finding a career that he enjoys will be his punishment?
No. As his teacher, punishment is the furthest thing from my mind because I know that no one will be harder on Mason than Mason will be on himself when left alone with his thoughts. Instead of punishing Mason for breaking his promise to himself and to me, I will work harder to make him understand that it's never too late to make a new start - even if that new start happens ever couple of days.
Why not just give him the zero and fail him and say forget it? Well, that's not an option because as teacher, I made a commitment to my students and their futures. I vowed to myself to be an understanding and loving teacher who only wants the best for my students, and who sees the best in them and realizes the contributions they will make to their families and societies in the future. And yeah, sometimes I screw up. Actually, a lot of times... and you know what, my kids always forgive and forget.
So, if Mason breaks his vow? Well, that's when I'll remind him that his slip up is already behind him and therefore can only exist as a reminder to try again, that it has nothing to do with the future and that I look forward to collecting his homework tomorrow.
I love you and am proud of you.
Thank you a. This brought me to tears.
I smoked for ten years before I quit, and I found the following helpful:
-one day at a time. Don't think about the big picture of "I will never smoke again" Just try to get through each day individually. And if you slip up, try again the next day.
-Replace it with something else. For me, it was gum and hard candy. Some people use water and toothpicks.
-Support. Call your friends if you feel tempted. Join an online support group.
-Exercise. When I smoked I got super winded on hikes, and it was really motivating not to feel that way after I stopped. Plus, exercise made me feel healthier and less like smoking.
-Scare yourself. Read stuff about how bad smoking is for you, and how a lot of the damage gets repaired if you quit.
...Just some ideas. A couple might work for you. I think it's great you are doing this--- hooray!
jb
Let me know what I can do to help you.
i know you can do it elis.
i am very proud of you and i know this is scary, hard and a big challenge. Just imagine savoring every bit of life you can have with your boys.- and how you would regret so much having to leave them early. That can motivate you. I am totally here for you as support.
*A
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