It's easy to forget

the loving side of being a parent when you're all caught up in an obsessive need to clean and organize and keep things going for everyone and you're trying to run a tight ship and make sure your kids are behaving and that you're disciplining enough when it's something you totally hate doing. And I admit all of you here and now, that I have been failing in this way and something monumental happened over this weekend.

Backup for a second and let me tell you that there have been some markers in Emmett that things are not okay. He's all bottled up and it's taken me two months to see it. It's also taken me two months to realize that my behavior towards Emmett has changed since we brought Ethan home. All of the loving babying that I've given to Emmett was replaced by responsibility. Suddenly I expect Emmett to act older and to do things by himself. I've been expecting him to make choices and to plan things. The age difference between my boys has skewed my understanding of Emmett as a 4 year old.

A mom and her daughter came over for a playdate this week and the mother told me, while trying to get her reluctant daughter to get ready to go, that although she wanted her daughter to obey her, she wanted teach her to question authority when she grew up. And I kept thinking about this.

And I realized that I am teaching Emmett not to question authority. I realized that Emmett is very obediant and when he's not, I discipline him, and I kept thinking about it. And then my friend Laura sent over a list of cute things her son Nicco was doing, and when I had a playdate with her, she asked me about some of the cute things Emmett was doing and I realized, I didn't know. I've become an instructor and have lost the part of me that delights in Emmett's cuteness. So, I called my mom and talked to her about these things. She reminded me of something I know but forgot: Emmett is very, very sensitive. He doesn't like yelling and cannot handle anyone being mad at him. She said that while he was there, he prayed to God that Mike and I would stop fighting.

I was stunned. Mike and I don't fight very much anymore, but it put up all kinds of red lights in me. That something is wrong. Emmett is praying about anger, and I became frantically worried.

When he came home, I sat him down and told Emmett that I wanted to have a serious talk with him. I asked him if he thought I loved him and he said no. I asked him if he thought daddy loved him and he said no. I asked him who he thought I loved and he said Colin and Jessica. So I talked to him asking him lots of questions for about 45 minutes and told him how much I did love him and that if Mike and I were ever arguing in front of him and he couldn't stand it, to take a certain blanket (I showed him which one) and to just throw it into the room, and that we would stop. We had a wonderful night that was full of tickling and laughing and Emmett was the most relaxed I'd seen him in a long time. I knew Emmett felt loved and I realized how complicated children are and that it's my job to figure out that complication and communicate safety and UNCONDITIONAL love in whatever way he can understand it.

And readers and future self, I have felt victory and like there is a light at the end of this dark transition. I am protective of Emmett and know he would not want me to write the details of what happened, but there were three incidents where I reacted to something with love instead of expectation and I REMEMBERED that my role as a mother is FIRST TO LOVE. Instead of trying to correct Emmett, I have been going through things with him. Rather than trying to get us through the transition, I am trying to go through it with him and putting sympathy, empathy and love before anything else. I have an incredible, amazing, talented, obedient and very caring little boy and I must reward his natural desire for acceptance with a lavish of unconditional love. And my heart is heavy and my eyes are all watery as I think about the trust that I'm starting to rebuild with him -- saddened at the word rebuild in this sentence. I continue to fail, but thank God for the people around me because with them, with Mike and with God, I think it will turn out okay.

I deleted my last post because it embarrassed Emmett. I found out he didn't want to wear the sticker to school and that he didn't like wearing it when he got his haircut. He is a private, sensitive person and I need to begin respecting that...even on this blog.